Friday, March 07, 2008

days 2-3 as a mute

life here at my parents house has become a wonderful blur.
i'm pretending that i don't have any work to do, artwork to make, business to deal with or email to answer and that watching the entire two seasons of twin peaks is actually an important, nay, CRITICAL thing to accomplish.
i'm getting there.

i have been going for silent walks with my loved ones.

today i went for a walk and i cut through lexington center.
i love lexington center. this is where i grew up and shoplifted as a youth!
the skateboarders in back of the bank, etc.
except the skateboarders have been permanently banned from behind the bank. they're supposed to skate in an ACTUAL skate-park that the town BUILT using thousands of town tax dollars.
i don't understand.
don't they get that building a skate-park for frustrated teenage boys - who want to very purposefully skate their angst away in public parking lots - is dead wrong, it's like the worst kind of insult?
it's remind me of bansky's wonderful stencil.



anyway, it was a half-day (thursday, school lets out at noon) and there were millions and millions of tadpole-like middle-school kids all sprouting around, being all high on sugar and cellular technology and generally terrorizing main street with their deafening cries.

i listened to a few of their ramblings and shoutings as i passed by their groups. it was insane, they're all talking incessantly about shopping, money and brand names. and they're, like, 11.

however, i think i remember this being the age when i was at peak insecurity. that was the era of swatches, guess jeans, benneton, forenza and whatever the fuck else and NOTHING ELSE FUCKING MATTERED.
if my OUTFIT DID NOT LOOK GOOD AND I DID NOT HAVE COOL SHOES, I WOULD DIE. i really, truly, clearly remember the feeling. it was a strong sense of purpose, to shop (or shoplift, in my case) for the desired items in question was a kind of be-all-end-all of existence. seriously. those years were hell.

all of the junior high school girls were wearing jeans, bling t-shirts and Ugg boots. they look like this.



i have to talk about this, it;s been bugging me for a few years, since i noticed (at airports is where i mostly pick up on what's trendy, since there are always high-fashion chicks in line at security, and you can stare at them).

what is up with this shit? is it just me, or has fashion recently gotten ACTUALLY UGLY? legit ugly?
i think people felt this way in 70s - those with common sense were like: I aint' putting that shit on my body. go away with your bell-bottoms and shag hairpiece.

i think it's happening again. the big sunglasses, the ugg boots, the flared jeans, the velour matching sweatpants.
it seems like a cruel joke on the part of some fashion-designer-in-the-sky who wanted to see how far he/she/it could take this joke.

can we agree....



...that these are bland bedroom slippers, staple-gunned at the bottom for reinforcement?
i googled. they cost about $150. i don't know. i feel crazy. whats going on???????
it really feels like someone is laughing. i will not waste any more time on this topic.

on that note:

from comments:
How about lip-gloss and overall at the same time? Posted by Psychodelicategirl on Wednesday, March 05, 2008 at 10:41 PM

Totally.

how about lip-gloss and nothing but these hideous things:?



,.....................

so a man staggered toward me a few nights ago downtown, looked at me and said, "excuse me, am i going the right way?" I looked in his eyes for a second and quickly answered, "yes, you are." he thanked me and continued to walk...
these kinda things really make you wonder... where are we going?
ps. i absolutely love that you exist. Posted by LYNZ on Wednesday, March 05, 2008 at 10:57 PM


i, in turn, love that you exist. where are we going? to lexington center, of course!, for absolution in the blood of the middle-schoolers.

........................

For live use the Shure Beta 87 is highly recommended to allow better clarity at lower volume.
It's a condenser with a 10 kHz boost and a sloped low cut filter for reduced popping of P's and B's.
A multi band compressor such as the Drawmer S3 may also allow you to preserve your health while still giving the audience everything.

I love you for what you are.
Eric Posted by Magnolia Studios on Wednesday, March 05, 2008 at 11:18 PM


yes, yes. yes. this is the microphone i use, wise man. i recommend. one of these days i need to do a tech/geek blog about all that shit.

...........................

i have a sort of serious question,
did your insurance cover the operation.... is there like a group plan for rock stars?.. do rock stars have insurance?
just a thought, Posted by The Debutante Massacre on Thursday, March 06, 2008 at 2:33 AM


thank you for asking. insurance is a fucking joke in this country, as we know. the answer is: no, virginia...rock stars do not have insurance. once my rock band got to be big and huge enough and we felt we could afford it, we turned into a business, employing me and brian the drummer as. we then bought a group plan to the tune of several hundred dollars a month per person. and no, my insurance did not cover the whole operation. i paid for it with a credit card and will have to submit the bill to the insurance company and pray to god i get paid back. the insurance did, however, cover the hospital costs. but not the surgeon. i am glad you asked this, because a friend of mine named jasmine just started a great organization called "rock for health" and they address exactly the "why do no musicians have insurance" issue. go visit, learn, and give them money and energy if you can, and from the look of their site they're going to be at sxsw in austin next week, so if you're there, give them a hug: http://www.myspace.com/rockforhealth

....................................................

i can empathize. i got my tonsils removed last year. it was not a jolly week. but you're doing pretty damn well, i see.
now this is something i thought you of all people could figure out. i have to kick arse at a symposium organized by my university (where nepotism is the thing i struggle with on a daily basis). the theme is "cultures in transit". please suggest a topic! i've picked my brain for 48h and still haven't find the right one. just scribble anything that pops up in your head. something that can throw those bastards out of their chairs.
Much love,
Soso Posted bySoso on Thursday, March 06, 2008 at 10:03 AM



"The Impact of Environmentalism and Post-modernism on Pre-teen Footwear"

......................................................

david said...

SSSSHHHHHH! Day #3. Have you spoken yet?


funny you should ask. i fucked up the other night. brian was over to watch the family movie and i totally forgot i was supposed to not speak. the movie ended and i poked my mother in the foot to see if she was still with the living. she didn't move. i turned to brian and said "she's out like a light". but it sounded more like "sheheheh uout likekekliggh". i realized i'd fucked up before the end of the sentence and we all agreed to pretend it hadn't happened, all exepct my mother, of course, who continued to be out like a light.

.........................................................

i'm really tired.

.........................................................


these boots would make an excellent album cover



............................................................


one last word on madonna?

.........................................................
andy pants said...

Re:Madonna
Is someone being 'in complete control of their own life' really something to idolize?
I like to think I have some control over my own life. But that I also give some control to the significant people within it. The people that I feel matter.
Isn't to be completely independent ultimately to be completely alone? Isn't that alienating?....

oh god, this is the lonely at the top discussion i have been wanting to avoid for years. but really. i think you've hit another nail on the head with madonna and the feminism issue here. BEING IN COMPLETE CONTROL does not mean that you are a powerful woman, or person. it reads like a sign of weakness, of non-humanness. when madonna defended herself however-many-years-ago re: the "express yourself" video by saying "but I CHOSE to TIE MYSELF UP! NOT SOMEBODY ELSE! I'M THE ONE IN CONTROL HERE!" it just sounds so fucking terrible. this is not what i want to look up to. i am spending a lot of time harshing on madonna here, but the points being brought up are valid. i love her, love tons of her music and have been shaped by her to god knows what extent. huge. but i don't think of her as a powerful role model, not in the THATS-the-way-to-do it way i crave. she seems to be trying too hard to truly BE in control: a lady-doth-protesteth too much situation. in fact, thats the thing that makes me crack when i see it, that makes me not buy it. when i see a woman with a hard, fuck-you-i'm-in-control-here exterior, it's just as much of a turn-off as when i see it in a man. i don't want to see ANYBODY like that. it's a cartoon and i don't believe in it, because i TRULY BELIEVE THAT NOBODY AROUND HERE REALLY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!! if you're acting as if you do, you're LYING. that includes you, madge.


thats all i have to say from tonight's mute pedestal

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

goodnight

love

a

60 comments:

lentower said...

thanx for the beauty

Idril said...

The wonderful regression of living at one's parent house... A bit sweet a bit numbing. A tad irritating at times. But it's good to have people who actually look at you with love and tenderness when you're in your pjs, not showered in two days, and with a leftover of acne bursting back.

With all the feminist issue we're going at the core of ethics of the person... should we consider the goal of our life is conquer freedom and affirm your personality and desires, or to contribute to the human community and care about our impact on the world. I'm actually torn between the two of those, reaching the end of my studies and getting ready to jump in the real world pond. Is focusing on my neverending hunger in understanding and mastering art, music and writing is prolonging my childhood and irresponsability indefinitely or is it desirable ? should I stay on the humanitarian action path I am on now, and gather my strength on saving this cynic world ? Rhetoric questions more than true questions.. I guess life is just about traveling between one or the other ?...

Oh and Ugg boots, you stole the words from my mouth : postmodernism made fashion.

Elise said...

blogging at 1:19 in the morning? You MUST have a lot of time on your hands. Make sure to enjoy it while you can, although I do miss your singing. Hell, maybe your true calling was blogging...

Alice said...

On behalf of my nation I wish to apologise for Ugg Boots.

No one, EVER, should wear them in public. EVER!

I do own a pair, but they are strictly for wearing as winter slippers around the house. And they're black.

And the good one's cost $150 because they're usually made from high quality lamb's skin and wool, which makes them breathable and therefore incredibly comfortable. But does not mean that they should be worn in public. EVER!

My apologies once again.

ps. Next time you come to Australia can you come to Perth again. We miss you all the way over here. XX

vivienne said...

Ugg boots...
If you were in Edinburgh right now you would not be able to look anywhere without seeing them or some form of them.
They ARE slippers YES!

Come on people, DM's are where it's at. When will people learn to take decent care of their feet?

I hope your throat/voice get better soon. But there is no hurry as the edinburgh festival isn't for a little while yet ;).

x

Richard Paul Hamilton said...

Your buggered vocal cords are like Beethoven in reverse- appreciate them while they last.

Yorksdevil said...

Well I think you've hit the nail on the head with them boots. Most certainly more Ugly than Ugg.

On the topic of rock star insurance: I read an interview a few years ago in which Lemmy mentioned that he has to go get checked over by a doctor before touring for insurance reasons, and that despite his diet of Jack & coke with a side of Marlborough lights, he was in fine health at 60.

ellie said...

uggggggggggggggggggggg indeed. I worry that they are not just a fad, too. The people around me have started treating them like another category of shoes entirely. I overhear things like:
"what should I wear with this skirt?"
"Oh, just throw on a pair of uggs, it'll look fine."
It seems that it has never occurred to many of these girls that one might voluntarily choose not to own them.

jelliedfrogsontoast said...

Ahh, I do love you Amanda Palmer.
Reading your blogs never fails to brighten my day (although more often than not they tend to function as a tool of procrastination....).
Thank fuck someone is finally talking some sense on the ugg boot front - they're huge over here too. Admittedly the £10 imitations from Primark are possibly even more huge.....
But seriously, my eighty year old (& slightly senile, bless 'er) Nanny has winter slippers that are identical save for the chunky sole.
I thought it may interest you to know that there is a blue piece of paper on the wall of my music classroom analysing the vocal techniques used in Girl Anachronism (the demo version). A little while ago we had to bring in a piece of vocal music for our A level class to analyse, & Girl Anachronism was my example. Not only did it get blared out from the head of music's sound system but we also had a class discussion on all the different musical techniques used - it was given the same amount of consideration as we would to Haydn or Schubert & my music teacher also complimented your writing, use of dramatic devices & the way Brian's drumming punctuates & emphasises the phrasing. (:
Wishing you a speedy & stress-free recovery, & all the best for the concerts with the Boston Pops. Oddly enough I feel sort of excited for you.
I am seriously tempted to blow what would probably be most of my lifelong savings on a transatlantic flight to Boston to catch one of them.
Oh, and I just wondered; where do you actually post your blogs? They seem to appear in so many different places on the web - do you personally post them all in all the places, or do you just post in one place & then someone else copies & distributes? Just one of those silly niggling curiosities!
Much love & hippy flowers.
Rachel. X

entropyartist said...

Enjoy the silence, I would love to have an excuse not to have to speak.
I am awkward, and as much as I'd like to maintain a very intriguing, woman-of-mystery façade, when I open my mouth, all of that crumbles into a pile of incoherence.

As for Uggs. ugh. and. ick. I've been having this argument with my mother for AGES, because some three or four years ago there was a certain über-celebrity who slished and sloshed out of her SUV at Sundance Film Festival (an homage to all of the terrible things you can accomplish with a sewing machine, leather and fur. gag me with a spoon) pictures were published and immediately loads and loads of people started buying these things up like chocolate-coated porn.
I say they're hideous, but my mom, who works at a small outdoor clothing+supply store insists that they are the warmest most comfortable shoes/slippers/boots that sherpa shepherds (from NZ?)have ever invented.

Thusly, I maintain that they belong on a snowy, windswept mountain, on the feet of someone cloaked in wool and goatskin and a poncho (in a very unfashionable sort of way) who needs to wear these things to stave off frostbite. They should also use those velour-ish tracksuits as fire-starters...

That being said, it makes me happy, in an i-am-laughing-to-hide-the-tears kind of way, that Uggs have finally trekked all the way from the northwest to new england (and from the responses, to europe and australia too. yikes bikes!)

I can tell you now - You will never get used to them.


Keep healing. Keep writing. Keep making beautiful.

Love

David Westway said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hubris said...

Ugg-ly boots fo DAMN sho! I'm really glad I'm not the only one. I don't really go for fashionable dress but jeez, I know shitacular when I see it. Just a month ago, the GF & I pass by this new shoe store in Yuppieville Toronto and we had to agree that these shoes represented an immanent decay the fashion sense of the folks at the top of the industry. Then reflecting on that thought, we became quite satisfied at the prospect. We began to imagine fashion shows where the models wear these god-awful boots with an inflatable floatation ducky ring while sporting Bootsy Collins sunglasses.

Simply asinine.

the deviant tart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the deviant tart said...

god i hate today's fashions. the best is when they have faux-fur on the top of those boots, and wear their pants tucked into them. it looks like they are trying to pretend they are on some sort of ski trip. Now, am i correct in assuming that the sweatpants of which you speak are the variety with words written on the ass? because i have noticed that the people who are most likely to wear those are the people who least need to draw attention to their ass!

one fashion i have NEVER EVER understood since its conception over a decade ago is the whole baggy-pants thing. if they are running around pulling at their pants, clearly they don't want them to fall down. they even wear belts...they just DON'T use them for their intended purpose! Here's a thought...if you don't want your pants to fall down, BUY SOME THAT FIT! unnnngh.

(wow...that made me sound like a bitter old woman...swear to god i'm in college...jesus...)

Also, BAD AMANDA! no talking! :( the world needs your voice as good as new!

Bobby Jean said...

I kinda wonder if Uggs are regional. I haven't seen those yet. But I also don't pay that much attention.

I personally like the whole socks with sandals look. Specially with flip flops and leg warmers. But that is just me.

Love love.. glad your surgery is over. Heal up real good now!!!

winterflamingo said...

Soooo Uggs aren't particularly attractive. But admittedly they are very warm and cozy. I'm not saying they belong in Florida to be worn with short skirts, but if you live where there is a serious winter (Anytime it will stay below ~20 for a week or more), they're a great option!

Would it not be worse to have an attractive and painful fashion trend than an ugly and cozy one?

Brittany said...

I often wonder if the name Ugg stemmed from the gutteral sound eminating from the marketing research group assigned to the product.

The commercial success is relative to the pet rock in that most of us see the gross sales and wonder: Why, dear god, why?

Hope all is well in throatland (I think I have that film somewhere...)

spider said...

i do totally agree. uggs are ugly and they have become a fashion statement. kate moss starts the trend and everyone follows.however i do have a pair but not for fashion because not only are they pretty grotesque but you do feel like a clone. and also a smurf. they really remind me of smurfs footwear. but yes i have a pair. colour = rum raisan. they are at least a little different.mine are reserved for only when it is very cold. they do work wonders in cold weather but for fashion they are quite horrendous.
now that its summer theres a new craze. the white ray ban wayfarer sungasses.

Lauren said...

Amanda, I wanted to reply to the hospital thing...

I was in the hospital on Wednesday for dehydration. I've been in the ER a few other times as well, and every time I go, I am constantly joking, usually ignoring the pain. I feel like in that environment, I wouldn't want to have to bring sadness. It's like cheer up mode kicks in. I really try to make the most of every situation.

periculum said...

Oh dear. I agree with you completely about the Uggs--all the girls I go to school with wear them. The first time I saw them I was so bewildered as to why someone would willingly put those things on their feet, because they really are truly UGLY. My friend is fond of calling them Fuggs. She also told me that they were originally from Australia, used on beaches to protect surfers' feet? I dunno, sounds pretty weird to me.

The way I look at it though, girls are so concerned about being fashionable & trendy that they'd put ANYTHING on their feet or whatever to feel accepted. That's what people do when they don't have any other identity to go by.

About the rockstar insurance: I think it's pretty funny you brought this up, because I was just wondering about that the other day. Maybe it was in my head because I was thinking about your surgery (by the way, I hope your throat feels better soon!), but that's not the context in which it came up. I think that ideally the labels should offer some sort of medical coverage for the artists they sign. Just my two cents.

Thank you for existing, you seriously give me hope for the future of women in the musical field. :)

sarah said...

AFP, did you know that those FUCKING ugly boots are made out of real lamb and all that [not]cool shit?
waste of money and factory time. a poor excuse for killing animals.

can you eat soup? i wanna take you out for soup. good yummy soup. :]
i hope you're feeling better! i gotta send you my 'get well soon!' card. but i'll probably forget, therefor just giving it to you at the pops show.
i don't remember if i said this in a comment before, but i watched the madonna documentary. oh how i love her.

p.s., to the rest of society, all teenagers are not idiots or tools who are down with uggs. trust me; i'm one of them.

xdead13x said...

Finally, there is someone who detests Ugg boots as much as I do!

Unfortunately, my sister has at least two pairs of them and every time she wears them around me I cringe at the sight of them.

spinewillsnap said...

RE:Ugg boots...ugg.

That actually reminds me...a couple of friends drove me out to a mall so i could raid the hot topic there and buy a david bowie shirt, but as payment i had to go to abercrombie, a&f, american eagle, hollister, etc. with them.

it got to the point where i was so sick of the smell, the lights, the music, that i sat in front of a potted plant and began to meditate.

my friends were less than amused, most of the patrons were more or less like "wtf?" and this one girl in Ugg boots kept walking by me and giggling kind of snidely; it amused me.

preteens/teens in that scene scare me.



P.S. have you heard P!atD's Nine in the Afternoon? it kind of reminds me of the beatles.

phonakins said...

Girls in Australia wear them with denimn mini skirts...

Andy Pants said...

I love Ugg boots, almost as much as I love being different...

roark said...

it sucks to fall for the mask.

Uggies as my nephew calls them. Oh I have a pair that I wear a lot. They are great for those with legs to spare with horrible circulation. I know they aren't cute and come spring they will collect dust like everything else in the back of my closet that only sees the dust bears.

Good luck picking your next album cover. I'm sure it will come to you....in a very unlike ugg fashion.

Katrina said...

It saddens me that two of my best friends own a pair of Uggs. Being the curious girl that I am, I proceeded to ask them if I could slip my feet into them (after tsk-ing and shaking my head at them).

Have you ever tried on a pair of Uggs, Amanda? As guilty as it makes me feel to admit this, they are mind-blowingly comfortable. However, this doesn't excuse the fact that they're beyond hideous.

I was convinced that the trend was going to meet its demise a few years back, but seems like we'll have to wait a bit longer.

PS - seeing middle-aged males wearing Uggs is even more humorous.

LadyLazarus said...

Oh GOD, not those fucking ugg boots! Whenever I see someone wearing them, I mentally go, "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG," in a Charlie Brown-esque way. I also think, "Those shoes are only for lesbians." Which makes me laugh because, ELL OH ELL, I'm bisexual! XD Oh, life.

Hee hee, I don't know, I think a few good fashion things came out of the 70's, like ponchos. I still like them. :P Not that I wear them all the time, but I don't mind them.

I think Middle School is one of the worst times for everyone. All the kids are at that age where all the puberty horemones start to emerge on high, so everyone is defensive and they all give the appearence that they are shallow. Now, it's definetly true that some of these kids are indeed shallow and will stay like that. Some just haven't seen the light yet. But, I think a lost of them are using all the fashion, makeup, and ramblings and shouts to cover up who they really are on the inside because, like you said, they're so insecure. I remember when I was in middle school, those were two years of HELL. (only had 7th and 8th grade at that school) The first year I was all anxious and it was hard to go to school. The second year, I was depressed and silently angry. But by the end of that year, I started to come back to myself a little. See, when I was 9, I was preasured into dying my hair blonde by my Mom, who at the time said, "All the pretty and popular models are doing it! You should do it!" I only dyed my hair because I felt I was ugly without it. So, the end of 8th grade, I dyed it back to my natural color (brown, by the way).
We do the craziest things for exceptance. But one day, some of us realize that there are more important things in the world than having the "best" hair or "the most popular" clothing, because there are others out there who are going to think that what we are is the best, no matter how we dress, wear our hair, shave or don't shave, wear makeup or not, or even if we don't take a shower that day! There are going to be people out there that care for us for who we are, not what our shell portrays us to be.
And those that don't realize this? Well, it's like Plato's cave allegory. Those who are in the dark cave believe what the see to be true, but those who have come into the light, they are the ones who know the real truth.
Saddly, there are not a lot of us who are brought into the light.

Jess said...

This is in reference to the "masks" idea from the first day of mute pontification.
Have you ever read American Psycho?
The subject of masks is fantastically realized through the blossoming of Patrick Bateman as a true psychopath and figurehead of our time. He is the angsty teenage boy deciding where to skate; the eleven year old desperately smashing her feet into unbreathable ugg replicas her mom got on sale at payless; and he's even the cloistered artist, recovering from surgery and fielding the questions of his fascinated following.
Funny, I've always thought you would be a great person to talk to about that book (and there are feminist undertones, I mean mary harron directed the film goddammit), and now it's your silence that has lead me to bring it up to you.
Food for thought.

Sara said...

Not to say I'm ecstatic you had to go under the knife, but I do have to admit that your increased blog-related activities are lighting up my life! Do you think being silent makes you more introspective? Or is that a silly question with an obvious answer?? :P

P.S. I have quotes from your blogs all over my walls in my dorm room. So keep em coming. The newest additions:

“we is human, we is flawed. thats the story."

“Feminism says, ‘No more masks.’ Madonna says we are nothing but masks. Amanda says You Choose, Ladies: mask today, naked tomorrow, lip-gloss today, overalls tomorrow. fuck 'em if they can't handle you either way.”

Sara said...

Oh shit I didn't mean to rhyme. Knife, life... hah.

I apologize for the cheese factor.

said...

I shake my head, and turn it to the side like a puppy does.

Thank you for not being Paris Hilton.

Anika said...

Today as I hauled my arse and my laptop out of my bedroom to the phone line for some internet transmitted Amanda-brand mind-boggle, I was expecting another blog like the Madonna one which was as insightful as it was confusing to me. But this one isn’t, which is good because it means that I can actually structure a response to it. But I need to say something else before I venture into the world of “yes fashion is getting irrefutably, illogically terrible.” I couldn’t say anything about the Madonna one when it happened; it was much much too fresh for me to deal with until later. But I did write something. And I feel it is important that you read it.

“I don’t want to write this and I can’t believe I’m getting caught up in it all again. I just really wanted to see what you wrote in your latest, and you blogged today (my time zone) and I read it and I was in one of those numb suspended head exploding moments that used to hit me when I first read through them. And it’s not so much the actual content of the blog. But it really hit me. I know that I have been thinking about this more than I was before. And you come out with this. And it’s exactly what I have been going on about whether that was literally, consciously, or on the blog or not; its on-point.

And what can I SAY? Here you are professing about all this wonderful connectedness of the internet and the fans and all that, but at the same time, I can’t reach you. So you read all the comments, so what? You won’t read this and I know it. It gets back to: WHO THE HELL AM I WRITING THIS FOR?
You? Who’ll never read it or care and it would be uncomfortable for you to do so anyway because I need you as a mentor, because I’m a fan, and I don’t want to be. I just want to be a normal person, so we can connect normally because no-one needs anyone and it can work. But alas…
Or maybe the invisible other audience of my blog and yours? Your fans? The people directed from some forum I was on, the people unlucky enough just stumble upon the page randomly. The ones who don’t even visit my blog anyway? To whom I only talk to about you and my singing lessons… and it’s so boring. Going back and looking at it I try to revise, some of it seems so half explained, just launching into my obsessions (although some bits of it was explained better than others).
Or me? For myself. So why the hell is my blog and this letter on the internet? And if I truly wrote my blog for me I’d put in all the awful details and names and places. And I wouldn’t keep it just for me. So I obviously do want someone to read it. But who? Shiiiit.
Trying to explain why I blog is even harder than trying to explain all the other comments on yours that I haven’t posted.
Were the letters interesting? To anyone? A little? To a Dolls fan only maybe? Does it translate in other aspects of life?
Pfff.
So maybe I’ll send something to you. Maybe I’ll mange to compile it. A back-story, plus that unsent jumbled letter that I put on my blog, plus relevant blog bits, plus my comment on what you said on your blog just then.
Bullshit.
So… what can I SAY? Is it enough to do what you did and say that it was amazing and completed your week and profound and ‘yes yes yes!’ like at those parties you used to have in college?

Is that real?

Does too real to be articulated in words actually come across as fake?

Sometimes I think it must. That’s what I thought when you sent me a letter. I thought what you said must be what you say to everyone, because it was so simple and yet translated such significance. I just couldn’t think that maybe we had had the same effect on each other. That maybe I had given you a dumbstruck with meaning moment. I don’t think I quite believe that now. But I’ll consider it.
It’s like what you said about Madonna in that blog:

'but what seriously gives? who is this for? what's the deal? shocking? personal? media whore? demons out? just cause?
c'mon, madge, gimme some truth.'

I mean you also say that Madonna seems fake, and I don’t think that about you, but the whole ‘true real intent’ stuff is all the same. That’s what happens when you want to know a person and not just worship them.
Yeh.
I want you to read it this. I do. I want it to be readable for you and for other random people. And it can’t serve both purposes. Because whoever is reading it perceives themselves as the ‘you’ and only one person is Amanda Fucking Palmer, so I’m excluding everyone else, who I still want to comment on this stupid comment and visit my blog.
It hurts to think.

But you always had comments on your blog. You had a fan base and fans from before the blog. You never had to deal with the fact that no-one cares, or at least you haven’t talked about it.

'one difference for sure: the thing that's interesting about these books that i'm about to compile (especially in the case of the virginia companion) is that i'm peddling wares to a pre-existing audience,
i don't plan to cross-over onto the NY times best-seller list or get any press attention or prove to the fetish/alternative/gay/fill-in-the-blank community that i'm down in the trenches with them. it's all me and blank canvas and not much to prove. i am preaching to the choir, writing for an audience that already has (we hope) some connection with me, my band, the songs. so why am i even doing it? here we go.'

And since I base so much of my blogging architecture on yours, I have no idea how to deal with it either. I just sound whingy. I know, and I hate it and I want to be more than that. Which is freakily exactly what you were saying about the new book (and I’m not just adding in references here):

'the only thing i can come up with is that i'd like to answer my own personal challenge of displaying some kind of truth that's profound but not shock-valuizing, meaningful without being pretentious, self-inspecting without being egotistical, and relatable without being stock and cornball. this is hard.'

But for whatever reason, you HAD a reason for starting the blog. I don’t think I quite know yet.
Is it like songs, like that guy from (Dallas Crane? Kisschasy? Other miscellaneous band?) said, that sometimes you don’t know what the song actually means until you take it out on the road and play it to some people? So when I get comments it will all be realised?
I keep thinking that I am sorting out something in this and on my blog. That its some sort of great big exercise in god knows what, and the more I put on here and the later I stay up to do it, maybe it will suddenly morph into something amazing that will solve all my problems about understanding it all (well, not that that’s a problem per se, but as anyone would, I would appreciate some help). Maybe someone (you?) will read it and say that it was excellent and that my musings have actually benefited them in some way and it will all be worth it to have touched that one person like that…
Not likely.
I mean, I’m still whinging even after I got an email back from you. What more could a person want?
Connection.
The place.
To know a person.
To have that person I refuse to talk about on here back. And if not them, to just have what we shared. That invisible line of understanding. That’s what it’s all about. That’s what my whole fucking life is about. God this is getting deep. I want to connect with people on that level. I could feel it cut through me the moment I said it. It’s true. That is my mission as a person and as a performer. Same as you.
There it is.
It’s my whole fucking life’s ISSUE hanging on by a thread to you, so forgive me, I think, if I go on a bit.”


I doubt you’ll ever get through it if you read it at all, and if you even get half-way I’ll be insanely flattered. I only posted it because since you haven’t been able to speak you seem to have been paying more attention to the fans’ comments. For which I am grateful; for the chance. And thank you, as I have said numerous times before, no matter how much it messes me up occasionally, I enjoy it, and that’s why I will continue to haul my arse and my laptop out of my bedroom to the phone line for some internet transmitted Amanda-brand mind-boggle… its good catharsis.

Anika.

Emily said...

I think the point of Uggs IS that you can get away with wearing cozy slippers outside.
I love that quality in mine, but I would not have paid upwards of $100 for them, I got them for free from my sister, who got them for a dollar.

Also, Twin Peaks FTW.
"How's Annie?"

June Miller said...

Um, we've been waiting for a skate park for about 30 years. Like, in the LATE 70S those assholes started planning it. It's been a big tug-of-war about insurance and taxes and all that. They can't really get away with skating on the streets/public property, either. They're pretty much like 'Fuck it' now and venture the half-hour north to the nearest park to do their thing.

Ah, Uggs. It's like being near the popular girls in high school, all over again. Your girls were wearing jeans and bling tshirts, though? Really. Ours decide to go for the, Ugg/mini skirt/low cut tank/fitted hoodie combination. Like, YEAR-ROUND. Sometimes they go for the low-ride jeans, or add a kicky scarf. It is truly as much a fashion atrocity as it sounds. It's like some girl was sitting around one day and was like, 'I want to be an eskimo...but I want to look sexy when I do it. OH MY GOD, THAT'S IT!'

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/
It's fun. They hate Uggs and they even ripped on Madonna just recently. They don't care much for the latest fashion crazes, either.

I enjoy large sunglasses, though. Some 70s styles were pretty sweet. C'mon now.

...

Your discussion of control put Janet Jackson in my head. But also, exactly.

Ashley said...

Oh Amanda. I will always wear my Uggs as long as I live somewhere it snows. Ugly as they may be, and fashionista I am for the rest of the year, my feet stay warm, toasty, and comfy in those things. I adore fashion, but if it's below 20, fuck fashion, long live Uggs.

Damien said...

Ugg boots are hideous.

Fashion is a joke.

Anyone that will pay hundreds of dollars for something simply because it's "stylish" is severely lacking in critical thought capabilities.

"Bling" is the worst thing to happen to youth in America since Second-to-Third-generation Gangster Rap.

Also, Crocs look stupid. I'm taking a stand and I'm saying it. They may have some wonderful functionality and uses (and if so, great), but they look stupid.

Wishing you all the best in your enforced vow of silence.

Bobbing_For_Applesx said...

in regards to the uggs and fasion statements- as a teenager, I see trendy things every day in school. I can't say that I hate uggs, but thats only because the trend creeped into my mind while I was sleeping. It was a slow, but surely process. You, on the other hand, have been hit on impact. I guess you can think of it like The Night of the Living Dead where everyone turns into zombies.

David said...

WOW ya done GOOD Amanda!

How's day 4 and 5 goin for ya then?

I bet you're good at this! You got all that practice in your statue days, huh?

I've always thought it would be so cool to not talk for a week or so. How long do you have to be mute for anyway?

You should be getting lots of blogging done, catching up on all that email and shit.

I'm gonna light the Virgen de Guadalupe candle for you tonight again so hang in there AFP!

SSSSHHHHHH!

addy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
addy said...

http://www.uber.com/chrisweeks/blogs/dont_start_your_day_with_a_parrot.html

xtine said...

well, there's ugg boots and there's crocs :

http://www.hegemonyrules.net/images/crocs.JPG

equally blinding.

have an awesome week, amanda! =)

Christian said...

Amanda: You are an incredibly reflective person, and your diary postings are a gift to us/me. Thank you. I aspire to your level of thoughtfulness and openness.

I humbly submit a musical recommendation for your time silent. The Organ. A group of gals from Vancouver that really rocked. Smiths-style jangly gloom. I'm not sure if you'll like them, but there's little harm in making a recommendation.

As a college student, I see Uggs all the time. From now on, whenever I seen them, I'll be reminded of this entry. This is much better than absolutely stupefying effect they normally produce in me whenever I see them.

Get well soon, Amanda, and enjoy your time off.

God save the Dresden Dolls.

Amanda said...

Oh yes, you must come back to Perth next time you are in Aus. And I do beliebe Uggies are the fault of the Aussies!

Yep - they are expensive because they are made of Aussie lambs wool. Our lambs, our fault. They are commonly worn with ultra tiny mini skirts over here and it's HORRIBLE.

I'm watching Peter Pan. The 2003 one...it's beautiful.

Rest up, get well.

Best Wishes

Amanda.

Alameda Green said...

...okay, so they're hideous, the Ugg boots. I get it. And I'd never pay the full price or regard them as any sort of high end fashion or a "cute" or integral part of an outfit.

But lemme tell you something: the Payless knock offs are brilliant when you're running out to CVS in the middle of the night in fucking January for what may or may not be a pint of ice cream. And some chex mix. And a new razor. And batteries. And sewing needles.

Feminism shouldn't be such an ugly word. I volunteer at a women's crisis center, and none of us are foot-archless, saggy titted hags. But we're feminists, and we're proud. Shit, even if we were, it's a beautiful thing regardless.

Enjoy the silence,
Brianne

David said...

Oops, I forgot the light the candle! Sorry! My wife and I started watching the Flight of the Conchords DVD. These guys are fucking hilarious!

Other things I forgot to mention in previous comment:

Love that graffiti stencil! Thanks for posting it.

I have a pair of ug knockoffs that I wear around the house as slippers (and sometimes to the town dump on Sundays). I got them for free from a kid who's dad knows a guy.

Have you heard music from "Boards of Canada"? Scots they are.

Thanks Chris for recommending The Organ. I like!

SSSSHHHHH!

(Getting obnoxious with that aren't I?)

hithere said...

I was in lex center on thursday too! My friends and I were eating lunch after school there but then the middle schoolers arrived so we ran away to cary to read old newpapers. And then sadly, back to school.

And I really don't understand the Ugg boot fad at all. A few months ago I actually counted how many girls I saw in the hallway wearing those goddamned things and I saw 46. And I'm sure there were more. It's crazy that someone is making that much money off of those fucking things. And they are indeed slippers. People should not be wearing them out of their houses.

Bobbing_For_Applesx said...

its so weird to think that you're only two towns over. you've probably gotten over the fact that you can walk down the street and see a die hard fan, but i'm still trying to comprehend this rock-star-living-in-home-state (not to mention home TOWN) feeling.

Editorial said...

Best wishes for your recovery, Ms P.

I'm surprised at the amount of Ugg-hate here.

As someone well past my teenage years, the attire that kids choose to wear causes me great amusement.

I prefer seeing people wearing ugly clothes than wearing bland or anodyne ones...

KK said...

hey amanda,
being an avid finger-picker myself, i was wondering if you still had the habit, and if you don't, how did you stop because i really think i should but i just can't do it! i've tried everything but alas, my fingers are still all red and picked apart. every single one of them. it'd be great if you had some advice. see you with the pops. i can't wait(my mom was so impressed haha)!

love,
kk

dinosaaaurs. said...

well hey at least they ain't CROCS.


I for one hope that huge platforms with goldfish in the heel get brought back from the graveyard of unacceptable 70's fashion.

KK said...

oh and when i first saw ugs, i wondered for days why they were in fact, called "ugs" and the only reason that i could come up with was because they were fUGgin UGly.

eleanor ruby said...

i think you'll enjoy this:

sesame street does twin peaks.

Casandra said...

I told my boyfriend about your hatred for ugg boots. He said that instead of just using the boots for an album cover, you should set a pair of them on fire and use THAT as an album cover. Just a suggestion.

The graffiti wall and skate park are about as stupid as prohibition. Everyone knows that making something legal makes it boring, and making something illegal makes it exciting.

Well, I like your blog. I will definitely be reading more of them. I hope you can talk (if you so choose) soon! Your voice is too amazing to keep from the world.

Much love!

faeriewings said...

UGGS=hatehatehate.
The poor sheep.
Some people actually care enough to buy fake ones. I just think they're gross and wouldn't spend my money on shoes like those when I can get a sexy pair of mary janes. ;D

WritingWithGlovedHands said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WritingWithGlovedHands said...

"can we agree that these are bland bedroom slippers, staple-gunned at the bottom for reinforcement?"

I love you. Marry me?

UGGs are hideous (Although, I can't talk. I own a pair of imitation ones, but only because they were $15 and I'm a poor college student. I save them for when Ohio gets a foot of snow. But it's Ohio, so that happens about every other week around this time of year). Almost as hideous as those fucking North Face jackets. I just want to take all designer name clothes and burn them in an epic bonfire.

Beckham said...

oh my fucking "insert here".
i wish i could have a conversation with you about midddle schoolers. i'm in middle school and everyone around me is...so many words can describe them. and the whole trend of Ugg boots, jeans, abercrombie tees, and those abnormaly short puffy jackets get on my nerve. every year the same person wins for best dressedd. that is to say, the girl wearing the clothing described above and a "hip-hop" or "gangsta". i myself have a very unusual or eclectic style. but sometimes i try to be classy and wear empire wasted skirts from the 50's and a ruffled top. it's pretty sweet. so i happen to get compliments like "i wish i was brave enough to wear that" and then knoweing what it's like to be that shy, girl-in-the-corner type say "well than wear the shit!" but of course they just go with the trends. however hideous they are. and in lextington square did you happen to see elementary school girls with cellphones. i mean. what the fuck?! a six year olds running around with PINK RAZORS! and then they have fancy touch-ipods and the just "love" hannah montana(new merch brought to you dy disney channel)and THEN they have these attitudes. these fucking ATTITUDES. the kind that make you want to punch a little kid. like today for instance. i was grabbing recycling bins at school for recycling club when i ask an Ugg-boot-wearing girl where the bin for some class was when she answers "that's a crate" THAT was her answer. then she laughed with her little Ugg-boot-wearing friend. how tragic. like seeing someone do something good for the enviroment constitutes as being a loser. well i bet that if Hannah Montana had done Earth HOur they maight have participated. one day amanda, OH ONE DAY, i WILL have a sit-down talk with you. i almost secretly wish that i would get cancer and wish to meet you. that day will be marvelous.

see you one day,
rebecca <3

Loser face. said...

Lexington loves to find pointless things to spend money on and try to control people. Everybody is the same around here. Im suprising somebody so artistic as yourself grew up here. Its amazing how uggs are such a popular trend even though they are by far the ugliest things i have ever seen anybody wear. I think thats why they call them uggs. hah.

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