Sunday, November 25, 2007

flailing flag from the front

this isn't the blog that i wanted to write.

the blog that i wanted to write was epic and profound and detailed
and full of photographic images and reflections on the last two
months. in fact, i have several drafts on my desktop complete with
photos. i've been all over the fucking place a lot has happened. i
was in montana, doing a solid week of training for yoga-teaching, i
was in seattle working with my new back-up band, i was working on the
record in LA and san fran and somewhere in there i was in new york
with brian and other friends putting on the finishing touches.

i still might write that blog. it's long, but every passing day makes
it feel less relevant, because i'm stuck in an entirely different
swamp now.
i need to at least relate my current state of mind. are you guys
still out there?

during all this mess of the last two months i got gradually lost in
every way.
my mind started to deteriorate and my body tried hard to keep from
crashing.
i went vegan for a while for survival.

my whole infrastructure started to feel like it was falling apart.
my home, my team, my brain, my career, my general web of safety all
going the same way: nothing literally falling apart but nothing
working at capacity anymore, either.
the basics keep me from despairing: my record is incredible, i'm in
relatively good health, nothing is awful.
the difficulty lately lies in wondering what the point of all the
struggle has been. i've been working my ass off for years, non-stop,
deluding myself into thinking that it would get easier and more fun
and it's only over the course of the past year or so that i realize
i've dug my own grave more than i have dug the tunnel to freedom.
it's just the same cycles over and over. don't mean to sound morbid
or anything here, but the theme is applying to life in general. i'm
watching all these people around me rushing and struggling, caught up
in the game, everybody working their fingers to the bone. myself
included.

it reminds me of that wonderful part of "eat, pray, love" where
elizabeth gilbert goes into a lingerie store in italy and buys a
shitload of fancy underwear, even though she has no lover and no
chance for intimacy even remotely around the corner. she finds
herself thinking about the italian soccer fan she was sitting behind
a few days before who was screaming at the top of his lungs at
Albertini, the star player, who had just passed the ball to midfield
where there was absolutely nobody waiting. the fan was screaming:
"Per CHE, Albertini?!?!?? PER CHEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!??" in her own mind,
she was asking the same question: "For WHO, liz??? FOR
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO??!??!?")

this is how i'm feeling lately. maybe it has something to do with not
touring for too long. the disconnection is pretty complete. for who?
for me? for you?

the biggest delusion i've revealed is that i keep learning the same
lesson of self-reliance, or is it just my puritan upbringing?
i've had these mini-realizations before, but this one was more seismic.
i was working for years on the assumption that if i just played hard
enough, wrote well enough, felt passionate enough, proved myself
enough, toured enough, won enough fans, who know...that help would
come swooping in like a magic carpet and take all the responsibility
away. but this is totally childish thinking. there is always a
support staff, but that's what they are: a support staff. i am, will,
and should always be the end of the line, the only one in control of
my own show. i don't know why i started thinking, at a pretty early
age in my career, that if i just worked hard enough i 'd be able to
hand that responsibility off to a team of experts. i am the expert.
it's terrifying to realize that and have to re-format your mind to
the new scenario. it's not only applicable to my career, it's just as
applicable to life. you wander through your days thinking that you'll
find that perfect scenario, job, lover, partner (fill in the blank)
who will somehow unburden you of your struggling existence, your
decisions, your responsibilities. it's bullshit; only you can truly
unburden you. but the fantasy is very, very tempting. does it ever
work? if you exchange stories with anyone (try someone who's recently
been divorced for starters) you'll find that the delusion is an
extraordinarily common one. we want to believe in the fantasy more
than we want to take responsibility for the fact that we are, indeed,
the only ones who can run our own show.

one of the yoga teachers who was in montana left me with a choice
phrase that keeps reverberating around in my head.
we were in an incredibly long and hard pose, sweat pouring and people
groaning.
he said:

"Don't be fooled. HELP IS NOT ON THE WAY."

everybody cracked up laughing. we all knew what he meant. there is
that fantasy, in every moment of tension and struggle, that help will
magically arrive and make all the pain and suffering go away.
so many people in my life...my agents and managers and engineers and
producers and lawyers and accountants and bandmates, the list goes
on....the airport luggage carriers, the hotel clerks, the
taxidrivers, the people who make my sandwich....they're all helping,
and god knows i need them and they need me to function to
survive....no doubt. but they're not going to save my life, they're
not going to give me any answers, they're down here in the mire with
me, trying to figure this shit out for themselves. wondering, too, if
someone is going to open the door to their bedroom one night and say:
"i know you've been waiting for me for years and i'm finally here.
things have gotten way too out of control, my friend. before we get
to the meaning of life stuff (and believe me, we'll get there) let's
start with something simple, like your closet."

now we know why cult-like religions and personal organizers paid $500/
hr are doing fantastic business.

this is turning into the blog i wanted to write.
i should be warming up my voice for tonight.

look i rhymed.

i'm trying to focus on each small task at hand until my shit gets
together in some recognizable way.
i'm supposed to be leaving for australia in a week and i still don't
have a plane ticket or a plan of where to go and stay, even though
there are shows booked, which makes me wonder if i'm going.
my head works in strange ways in this regard, and always has: until
i'm at the airport, i still think there's a chance it might not happen.
this fear is founded, actually, on a life and schedule in which
things - often beyond anyone's control - have fallen apart at the
last minute often enough for me to not trust anything unless it's
right in front of my face.
i've gotten used to this the way i've gotten used the things in my
apartment always being different when i come back due to the number
of people coming in and out. i just don't blink an eye.

i'm at home right now, jason webley is staying here, we played in
portland last night.
i hadn't played the piano on stage in a long time. i felt rusty but
creaked back into action well enough. there was some snafu with my
keyboards not being fixed so i started the set off with two broken
notes.
something was cosmically against me (or else i was playing harder
than usual) but by the end of the show there were 8 broken keys. i
could barely get through a song. there's nothing romantic about it,
you don't get the satisfaction of a guitar player with the springy-
sprangy look of strings splaying everywhere. every song ends up being
an intellectual obstacle course instead of an emotional outpouring
and that plainly sucks. in trying to describe the feeling to the
audience, i tried to come up with an apt metaphor and finally hit on
this: starting a song and then realizing that the main notes you need
are broken is much like when you're driving a car in an ice storm in
the way left-hand lane of a highway and the entire windshield fogs
up, leaving you only a few 3x3-inch patches through which to figure
out where the fuck you're going.
but playing together with jason, and watching him play, was joyous in
itself. i could forget the fuckshow of my life and take comfort in
singing some new material, which we had a great deal of fun putting
together on the drive.
he's one of the best songwriters i know.

tonight we play providence and then i spend the next two days trying
to dig out of the pile.

so that things do not end on an entirely sour note, i will include a
recent self-portrait that made me happy:




all my love,

a

50 comments:

Mix Tape Radio said...

thanks again for the thanksgiving interview.

in the end everything always always ends up okay.



see you new years eve

joelle said...

OMG!!!Would you hurry up and get over RICKY WILSON already??!!!You are a grown woman!! Stop whining and maybe you will find out that you are not the center of a universe!

Rachel Goff said...

Amanda, I'm hearing you!

I'll be front row in Melbourne, i'll buy you a beer and we can commiserate together.

R x

Jessica said...

oh, dear. this is my first post, tho i have been lurking out there for years. i am here, "out there" listening, reading. i have been experiencing similar frustration lately and have been waiting for the epic post to distract me and take me to the wonderful world of 'other people's confusion and problems' and when you posted the letter to nick vargelis i was waiting, i was out there. and it wasnt the epic blog that i sooo needed. and i screamed 'i hate you i hate you i hate you i need more'. it was a moment of weakness, and i am sorry. by the way, how is that broken, dying finger thing going? i havent heard anything about it in awhile. this is good, no?

ZWingate said...

Amanda,

This, too, is my first post. I'm very much a voyeur online, not to mention in real life. I am always waiting for someone else, something else, to make the first move. I'm always too afraid to do it myself. But you are completely right, and I needed to hear this tonight. I will at least go to bed saying that I'm going to change.

Seriously, thank you for all your inspiration. I've been trying to learn to sing/play from the companion - sometimes doing that is the best I feel all day. I can't wait for the record! Take care,

wasted_life said...

amanda, another heartfelt post, and i certainly needed one tonight. thank you as always. i've been on a dresden dolls addiction the past week...just enjoying your words and music as they help me get through my own times of being lost.

i hope montana offered you some peace. i know it always does for me when i am out there. it's nice to not have the brutality of the northeast for a while. your yoga teacher's quote reminded me of a billy corgan line i used to say all the time: "to the revelations of fresh faced youth, no one will come to save you".

can't wait to see you in boston in december.

avandamanders said...

Speaking as a recently divorced person... yeah. You're on the money. Although I gotta say, its REALLY difficult to get past that whole "being rescued from the train tracks" illusion... Once you've built an entire life around that fantasy, you risk losing a part of yourself trying to strip it down and re-establish yourself as having SOME sort of purpose.
Blah.
Hoorah for existentialism.

Best of luck to you in finding some sort of peace.

Ed said...

We're still out here. Reading blogs at 2am when we should be living (or sleeping).

My fantasy is that my fill-in-the-blank will inspire me to embrace my struggles, decisions and responsibilities. That's one that can actually come true.

And I'm sure you've heard it before, but your music, your passion, makes people happy, and few people are lucky enough to be able to say that.

casacre said...

I read your last post before going to bed and dreamt you ended up staying at my place in Melbourne. Strange fo shizzle... cuz as if!


http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/imagine.jpg

Keep on moving.

calebzia said...

thanks as always for writing and remember we love you as much as you can. we really appreciate how incredibly hard you work, see you nye in nyc!

Editorial said...

I guess that's the price you pay for being an optimist. As a dyed-in-the-wool pessimist I never expect help to come swooping in, so am always pleasantly surprised when it does.

Frin said...

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=204

I'm "out here".

The irony of it all gets me sometimes... there's So Much to everything - too much to ever be experienced.. and yet we have this tendency to think "...this is it?"

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=240

Take care, Amanda. I'll see you when you get to Brisbane (if All Else Fails I'm sure someone from Danger Ensemble will gladly take you in). Love.

The 327th Male said...

Gah, you are coming to Australia but not visiting Adelaide? My couch is empty if you need it!

entropyartist said...

I wish that I had some words of wisdom to offer, some witticism to share
but I don't.
I've never been very good at that sort of thing.

I hope that you enjoyed montana; I am missing the wide-openness very much right now.
You should maybe think about playing a show there (though not before I return) we are a sad, culture-starved people.

Here's to things looking up.

Bisous

Ainsley said...

Amanda, I never know exactly what to say in response to your blogs. I never know what to say when I meet you, or others that I hold in such high artistic regards.
So instead of saying something to try and make everything all better, I will share with you something that happened to me at school the other day.
I was sitting in english class.
We were analyzing an african folk story.
God how I hate analyzing.
So I let my mind wander, and soon enough, had myself convinced that you were standing in the doorway. I immediately looked towards our open door, and had to stop myself from saying 'Amanda!!'
There was no one there, but the fact that I had felt as though there would be some how made me feel better and gave me the strength to participate in our class discussion.

Sorry. That was long.

I love you, I hope you feel better,
Ainsley

S said...

speaking words of wisdom, indeed.
im gonna stick to my romantic fantasy where love will rescue me someday soon, im not ready to wake up just yet.
you seem to be. and i don't doubt for a second that you'll find your answers among the way.
love

ellie said...

When you don't see the point in all your work, remember all the people whose lives you have changed, who you have inspired, helped, saved, given hope. Because there are a lot of us. And I know that probably doesn't help much when you feel like this, but it's true.

And it seems to me that when you feel lost like this, or anytime, really, you just have to live off those good moments and memories. Because what else can you do? How can you not drive yourself insane with wondering about the point of it all, unless you just take things as they come and do whatever you can to be happy?

We'll all be thinking of you, and I see you when your in Philly.
Much love,
Ellen

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Eva said...

Fuck!

“no doubt. but they're not going to save my life, they're
not going to give me any answers, they're down here in the mire with
me, trying to figure this shit out for themselves”

This is a frustrating view, thinking that no answers can be given, because how could anyone know for sure? And if someone claims, how can I tell, he is right, as there are million other theories? And what is “right” and “wrong” anyway- who am I to differentiate…it goes on and on and it’s getting worse! I know this.
But believe me, not everyone is down there in the mire. I hope and believe you will meet a person who is not.
It is a fucking strange but most miraculous and privileged feeling. It changes everything- though you are still on your own, maybe feeling even more lonesome- still carrying all the responsibility- running against brick solid walls again. But you will never be able to express this view again. And this fucking great. Every single day!

Namaste! (und alles Liebe aus Deutschland)

juey said...

I feel like I'm still out here.

And your always with me, because I can hear you all the time.

For who you're doing this? I somehow hoped for yourself. And of course you're doing this for me, and all the other "mes" out here, waiting for the record.

And I really want to see the blog with the photos! It sounds cool.

And on life not getting easier... what can I say? I'm to young to comment on that, but don't you love what you have? Are you sure that you'd be happier with a higher level of safety? I'm not sure. I feel like it would eat away everything that is free in you.
Maybe you need a place to come home.
J

Michael Oberon said...

hey miss 'manda you're spose to put all this angst into your art and emote it on down the line to the rest of us. :-) sing to me baby!

writing is an art too tho - got your pain anyway. you're transmitting on some other circuit is all. some days feels like you're on a precipice but if you step back you'll find you're actually on a balance beam.

nadia fucking comanece eat your heart out!!! here comes a double barani quadruple axel toeloop tsukahara with a triple ripple butt flip. and . . . . she sticks landing. (John Tesh adds, "and look at her hair! it's fabulous!")

and if you fall, help is only on the way if you ask for it. everyone else will still be gasping at your audacity and somehow overlook the crumpled form at the end of the runway. the trick to avoiding crumplage is, stay on the beam girl.

love ya sista - keep it keepin' on.

June Miller said...

But where else would I be?

'the difficulty lately lies in wondering what the point of all the
struggle has been.'

Alright. Let's start here. Seven years ago, no one had heard of a genre such as Brechtian punk cabaret. Your work over the years has spread a concept you and someone else came up with all those years ago and it's spread across over the world to kids trying to find that certain...thing. The right ones, the ones you were trying to get to hear what you had to say, the ones who are feeling like you are, listened. I think that's very profound. You've probably noticed your fans are a passionate people.

Many fans (myself included) have told you how inspirational you are to them. This work that you do, it leads your crazy little creative fan-base to want to...CREATE! What an interesting concept. You probably know how happy that can make those people; those who feel they want to contribute something but are struggling to figure out what, exactly, it is.

In getting all these peoples' attention (not just the fans, but other artists as well) you don't have to face the bleakness of the world alone. We're the only ones running our shows, but other people do make a difference in its quality.

...

'wondering, too, if
someone is going to open the door to their bedroom one night and say:
"i know you've been waiting for me for years and i'm finally here.
things have gotten way too out of control, my friend. before we get
to the meaning of life stuff (and believe me, we'll get there) let's
start with something simple, like your closet."'

Something like that. A couple nights ago, it was a very bright full moon. I caught myself staring out into my road as I pulled up to my driveway to open the gate, as if expecting to see or hear someone walking up from either direction. It was a hope, beyond anything, though I knew no one would walk up. I just stood there for a few minutes. There was a mist over the street, to the left of me. A giant redwood was silhouetted to the right of me, a way's down. It was a very eerie scene, but I've always liked that. I just wanted to take it in. I always take it in, whenever those kind of nights happen. It seems I'd just like someone else to experience it, as well. I need a better nighttime camera, is what I determined.

...


Damn. I'm just going off on tangents everywhere. I take my time trying to figure out how to respond to these things, though. I started writing this response about an hour ago, I think.

...

Does Baudelairian gypsy-punk sound interesting to you? Some friends and I got an idear going on.

awillhoff said...

i don't know if you're a ray bradbury fan at all but i recommend you read at least three stories. "The Fog Horn", "All Summer in a Day", and "Golden Apples of the Sun". you'll see you loneliness in the first. you'll see that things could be worse in the second. you'll see why you do all of this in the third.

Flozza said...

This reminds me a lot of a song by The Streets. Two of them, actually, but one in particular: Empty Cans.
"Or maybe its that i realised that it is true;
No-ones really there fighting for you in the last garison.
No-one except yourself that is, no-one except you.
You are the one who's got your back 'til the last deed's done.
Scott can't have my back til the absolute end,
Coz hes got to look out for what's over his horizon.
He's gotta to make sure he's not lonely, not broke.
It's enough to worry about keeping his own head above."
Hehe, objectivist garage music?

I wish I could make it to your shows, but I'm stuck in Brisbane. And just wait until the album is out. You might not end up with a team of experts, but you know we love you even more because you don't. And life without responsibility would be boring anyways - no guts, no glory.

kick_it_to_me said...

A,
I emailed Steve from Dangerensemble
about accomadation in Melbourne.

Your most welcome to stay at our house, just talk to steve about an email I sent him.

Your right Amanda Palmer, I can't save your life, but I can't give you a roof for ten days.

bug said...

Amanda, what can I possibly say to you? You do this to yourself because that's the way you are. That's the way you create and that's the way many more like you do it as well. You hit the ground running and you don't stop running until you slow down. That is what gives the life meaning. The times when you take a break. When you look around at what is perfect at that moment and at that moment alone and that just has to be enough and it IS and it's heartbreaking and beautiful, and that's the nature of life. You pull people in when you need love to sustain you until you can get on your own feet again and give something beautiful back to everything that creates you. And that's just the way it is. Some people know that birth isn't a one-time thing; it's a never-ending, painful, shocking, wonderful, life-giving experience. All I can say is that I understand and I love you, and try not to make this more about me than you.

Vrai said...

I abosolutely adore you. Every time I feel a little crazy and like no one else in the world thinks like I do, I find myself at your blog.

Just trust in yourself and let the universe unfold around you. It's you life, your career, your world.
Nothing is out of your reach.
You've always been a total inspiration to me. I just hope you can see that same spark of inspiration in yourself. Latch onto it and grow from it. Have lots and lots of faith in yourself because you CAN do it, make it, achieve it, etc. Your life will turn into just what you want it to be. No worries.

Now to steer a bit off course:

We met once. For a brief moment. You played in a small venue in Boise, Idaho, June 2006. I was the girl who had been dancing to all your songs and managed to catch Brian's broken drumstick. You both signed it for me and I couldn't actually think of anything else to say but 'thank you'. I was too gobsmacked that I had the chance to meet you.
The thing that always echoed in my memory was how very human you were. I think we delude ourselves that those who have fame will be something brighter and better. You don't know how much it meant to me that you were just you that night. It gives me hope that maybe someday I can take all this music and passion inside me and turn it into something even more amazing without having to make myself into something other than who I am.

<3

~Vrai

Hieronymus said...

Sometimes ya just gotta look at the bright side - Australia! Take me with you please; I just loved it there. Here are some pix I took:

Trifle's Australia

Saturnina said...

I 've cracked a smile reading your confused words.
I'm looking all around and i always remember the stupid details only because it's hard to find something interesting. Sometimes i give some flowers to people that i don't know,i don't know why. We are looking all around, we'll find a no-sense solution,as usual.
I'll hope to see u in Italy creative girl.

S.

http://eveningsoot.splinder.com

Saturnina said...
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Anika said...

I'm here. i haven't fallen apart or lost faith, or started opperating at a lesser capacity, and i hope i won't any time soon. i care, we care. i care about those who care.
as rachel goff said "I'll be front row in Melbourne, i'll buy you a beer and we can commiserate together." me too.
and as jessica said i too was happy to see the return of the big deep emotive "epic" post. thank you. we will be here ready to philosophise and comment when the post you wanted to write is complete. i'm sure it will be a masterpiece.
the bit that you said about the person just walking in and saying "i know you've been waiting for me for years and i'm finally here.
things have gotten way too out of control, my friend. before we get
to the meaning of life stuff (and believe me, we'll get there) let's
start with something simple, like your closet." that really stuck with me, its just right on. such a perfect summary.
yeah, disillusionment sucks. but things get better, i swear, and it will feel even better knowing that it was you who was the one to improve things for yourself.

good luck. see you in Melbourne. and as always, the spare room is, well... spare.

xxx Anika.

on the ampersand said...

amanda,
you are the best.
i beleve everyone understands the fustration your going through.
your right everyone wants a savior, someone to get you through your problems.

well i'm "out there"

and i'm listening

i can't wait for the album.Are you going on the true colors tour next year, or was the yearly thing a myth?


xoxo much love

~N~

David said...

O Amandamandamandamanda ...

If you can't stand the heat, oh wait, you ARE the kitchen I guess. IMHO, your angst as it comes through in your songwriting is one of the main attractions to your music. It must be hard to be intense all the time. And it's hard to rest when you're so driven to succeed. Though you claim not to read music, you know what a rest is, and I've made this comment before, sorry, but without the rests, the music becomes more like noise. Like the white space in graphic design layouts. Like that all important good night's sleep. Ya get me?

Noga, it's in the breathing.
You should be happy
instead of seething
sometimes its crappy
yeah, but most times pleasing
so let it go girl
and mind your breathing!

When will the new album be released? I WANT IT. NOW.

peace & love, David

Kristopolis said...

still here.

Rae McMahan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rae McMahan said...

Per che means why. The guy was Italian, right?

Remember that you have a horde of devoted fans. Start up a YouTube and tell them what to do. A wink and a smile and they'll be trampling eachother to serve you.

Erich said...

Like many I only know you through lyrics and blogs. I connect with a lot of what you have to say.

You're right, we all have gone through that at one point or another. I found this quote a few years ago and it's stuck with me ever since.



We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
~W.H. Auden

When DD stops in Tampa my boyfriend and I will be but two of many screaming and entralled in the chance to share in the passion that is poured out each night on the stage.

All the love, Erich

Many-Eyed said...

We all have fantasies and it’s awful that they can never come true.
I understand what it feels like to be emotionally and mentally unstable most of the time.
It's crushing and I can relate to where you are at the moment.
My fantasies are varied and the really some of the most important will never come true.
I don't really have any advice on how to feel better, but I don't think emotion is about feeling contented. Try and take some inspiration from these feelings and states, create things and think "I have created something, constructed from raw emotion".
It feels good to create things, it feels productive even if it turns out deformitive.
I'm sure you'll be kept busy though,
Amanda just know and be reassured that what you do, create, composing songs or art or whatever else. It is good, and that goodness reaches other people.
Just by reading these comments on this singular blog you can tell that people are relating, not feeling so isolated, dissociated and that is only a fraction of the goodness that you create.

Amanda, you spread goodness, and that in itself makes you good.

So I hope this elongated comment has given you some reassurance, and perhaps made you feel mildly better. I hope I haven't pissed you off:)
I'll be seeing you in Sydney, so until then,

Marrei said...

It is scary to acknowledge just how much responsibility we have as individuals.

Who knows? You may find yourself in a better place in life sooner than you think.

If this helps, you continue to inspire your fans with your honesty and passion. I hope you don't find yourself feeling too lost because you are doing a great job!

andrea said...

sounds like your living life, my dear. the constant struggle of it all. we're all going through it. you know this, i know this. is what we do with our lives ever completely satisfying? even if we're doing the things we want to do? you're right, life is a cycle and that cycle is repeated and repeated and repeated and we become easily jaded. but i guess you could look at it as would i rather follow a cycle doing things that i like or things i don't like? but then you encounter another problem. am i doing things i like because i like it or because i think i'm supposed to like it? and do we really want someone to take away our responsibilites? i mean it reminds me of one of those movies where the kid gets a million dollars and buys who or whatever he wants and he doesn't have to do anything for himself. and he likes it at first cause it's exciting and fun and he feels unburdened and in control but then everyone has gotten so used to doing things for him that they don't even ask him what to do before they do it. and suddenly that sense of control is gone and you feel trapped by your own lack of responsibility. so, i don't know. maybe that was a crazy example but... responsibility can be freedom. it gives you the freedom to be responsible for your choices. and even though some of those choices are hard and a pain in the ass, when you look back you'll happy you were the one who made them and not someone else. especially if those choices have great outcomes. and no one cares more than youself about what happens to you. most people are already busy trying to fix things for themselves to have time to worry if the person next to them is being taken care of. i think i'm pretty self reliant. i don't know if this is good or bad. maybe both.

are we still here?
i am, and judging by the 40 some posts before me, they are too. never feel like blogging is something you have to do. do it when you have something to say and we'll be here.

live life
have fun
don't over think it

all my love,

andrea

Elsa said...

Hey Amanda,
I was just sitting on my coach, pretending to read Mists Of Avalon, when I started thinking about how wierd my life has seemed recently. On a random thought I decided to check the blog to see if it was updated and I found that you had read my mind and had expressed everything I was feeling perfectly.
Everytime I am sad I think of all the moments I spent that day laughing, and then I think of the next day I'll be able to sleep in passed 10:30. Life is good.

Thank you for not being afraid to be honest and open.

ellipsis said...

Amanda, you are a visionary and probably my favorite artist.

I've never posted here before, and I've only known about the Dolls for a couple years(became creepily obsessed this summer, won't bore you with the details).

I'm glad to hear the Dolls are touring again, and I would love to see you in concert, but I live on Vancouver Island, and I can't afford to go too far into mainland Canada.

Anyways, this is getting kinda long, so I just want you to know that you still have lots of fans left, and I'll do my part(whatever a fairly reclusive Canadian can do) to make sure you have even more fans in the future!

Also, I love reading the blog. Hope you can write the blog you wanted to write, it sounds really interesting(this one was too, I'm trying to be encouraging! I'm probably not very good at it..)
and I'd love to see it.

Emma said...

Hey Amanda,

Australia is going to be good for you. If nothing else, there are a fuckload of people who want to buy you a beer. Me included. *grin* (Any chance you'll stick around for a while in the lovely Spiegeltent beer garden?)

It's going to get better, you know? There will come a time when you'll reap all of the rewards for all of the fucking hard work you're putting in right now, and that's going to be awesome.

So here's to that. Be strong. It'll work out.

(Another person elbowing for space in the front row in Melbourne!)

Dave said...

still here, Amanda. you don't know how often you nail on the head all the fractured nonsense I'm trying to say myself (though with much more eloquence). your words are a constant aid in refocusing my mind.

everyone around me seems to be looking for that magical help/fix these days (synchronicity, indeed), all the while knowing that it's a delusion... I may relate your yoga teacher's quote to all of them.

for who? for yourself, I suppose. but know that we're out here, still. still reading and going through it each day.

remember that what you write makes a huge fucking difference. in lieu of a flesh-and-bone support staff in my life, I look for it elsewhere. your blog is one of the most constant and helpful supports I could ask for.

thank you.

polkacentric said...

Performing and being a performer is an uncanny experience. We are both in an out of place. we are giving soooo much of ourselves yet have no tiem to jsut be ourselves. We can get exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually. With so many support staff, roadies, fans,and our head is always somewhere else thinking about work, the next thing, the interview, the new song etc etc, jsut being in the biz itself - it is hard to get down home time. And those dear peopel who put up with us - who cut through all the shit and are jsut there for us (not fans or coworkers just real friends/family)- they ground us. Always on the road and in performance mode - inspiration is really a high and its what we thrive on when we write or come up with a performance - it takes energy and adrenalin. so naturally we crash now and again. We need artists and their supporters in the world. The world cant continue to evolve or explore without artists. Just as artists cant explore or evolve without the real world. Getting the balance is always so difficult for everyone!.

Lola said...

Hi Amanda, I just saw you the other night at the Space Gallery in Portland and I wanted to send off a warm thank you. I've just started to delve into music, my biggest dream and greatest fear, and have been pushing myself to get out and experience more music. I've seen many shows here in Portland and elsewhere, but no one has ever enchanted me quite like you did the other night. Both you and Jason Webley were grand. So grand. In fact, the power and force of the show has been lingering over me, like a dream. I know the piano was going awry, but because I am extremely musically illiterate still, I could barely tell the difference. It was simply amazing. My feet were planted in the same spot the entire show and the funniest thing is that I had only heard a Dresden Dolls song once before in my life. I wasn't entirely sure who you even were. Anyway, you've got a rare quality and it is infectious, so don't worry about help not being on the way, YOU are all you need.
Thank you for bringing your music to Portland and making some random soul feel incredibly moved and excited to be alive! It was lovely. Best of luck for the rest of your tour.
-Lola