Wednesday, November 14, 2007

An Open Letter to Nick Vargelis

dear nick,

when i got home earlier tonight i felt like shit. i have been
traveling for almost a month straight. i know you don't even know
exactly what i was doing. nobody knows exaclty what i've been doing,
and that includes me and i'm not kidding.

you've been crashing in my room, because that's how things roll at
the cloud club. you're leaving in a few weeks for paris, and you're
couch-surfing, as i have been for the past month. seattle, portland,
san francisco, LA, santa fe and new york (with connecting flights in
salt lake city, atlanta, phoenix and maybe i'm missing something),
doing everything from recording to mixing to photoshoots to singing
and rehearsing to shows and video shoots to holding new babies to
mastering and having nail-ripping and life-determining meetings about
my life and career and suffice it to say, i'm fucking tired. so
tired, nick. empty tired. don't give a fuck tired, unhappy tired. i
have been feeling so weird lately. coming home has been upsetting.

i got in from NYC at around 4pm today, dropped off my suitcase and
put on a dress and got a ride from lee straight downtown to go to the
opera with my family, which was the whole reason i came back today.
we ate. i tried to stay awake. then i came home. i felt Empty And
Lonely. i sort of know what i'm doing with my life, but not really. i
don't feel at home here anymore. i've gotten too used to the road.

i felt something bordering full-on depression as i decided that it
was time to go to bed. i didn't want to go there. i've been sleeping
alone, but something about going to bed alone tonight seemed
especially sad. i brushed my teeth and picked two books to take to
bed with me to keep me company. i couldn't do it, couldn't for some
reason, didn't want to go to bed, even though i was so fucking wasted
tired. i just kept listlessly looking at piles of unopened mail to
see if maybe something personal showed up in the course of the last
month along with all the bills and books from amazon......maybe....
some letter from some ex-lover that might change my life that i could
take to bed with me and clutch to my chest.

i kept checking emails, until my computer got knocked offline and i
decided that it was a sign and i should, finally, go to bed.

so, reluctantly, i finally did.

and when i climbed up the stairs to my sleeping loft and found not
one, not two, not three or four or five, but SIXTY impeccably-frosted
vegan cupcakes laid out in the shape of a crucifix on my bed, i
wanted to crumble with gratitude that indeed, everything is All
Right. the fact that you included a painfully large xerox
reproduction of my embarrassing high school yearbook picture was also
The Shit. i'm not even tired anymore. i am now in a Fantastic Fucking
Mood. i need more friends like you.

i really, really love you, nick vargelis.



Marthe said...

Oh that's bloody brilliant. Perhaps I too need more friends like him, whoever he is.

Is it you or him that's the vegan around there?

Jack's Raging Mommy said...

I think it also shows what a great friend you are that someone would do that for you.

Jen said...

We are not as cool as Nick Vargelis, but we have our moments.

Sound Investments said...


Olivia said...

Hey, you vegan now?

Kristopolis said...

i need more friends like nick vargelis.

get some rest, amanda.

Kristopolis said...

i need more friends like nick vargelis.

get some rest, amanda.

andrea said...

if someone did something even remotely that cool for me I'd feel good too.


avandamanders said...

Wow. That's pretty hardcore. Who needs a bed of roses when you have a bed of cupcakes???
I'm in love.

anarveg said...

vegan power, vegan for ever, vegan president...

anarveg said...

vote for vegan

Christie said...

amanda! i met you in the coffee shop today and was a shameful fangirl i apologize for that.

hope the double shot woke you up a bit.

(and hooooooray for vegan cupcakes)

be well,

Angelchrome said...

Genius!! Pure genius!!

David said...

Very cool post Amanda. Thanks for photographing that temporary bed-shrine 'o cupcakes. The cross you bear artist woman ... that high school photo of you: wow. So you did KABUKI in high school? Or was it foreshadowing for the 8 foot bride?

Whatever it was, YAY Nick Vargelis for bucking Amanda up. Apparently she has the bare minimum of self-control needed to get herself some much needed rest from the road. Girl you get some rest. Please.

The road is a metaphor but if you get stuck on the road, then your life becomes a metaphor. You need the home point to anchor and center and breathe. Maybe being "don't give a fuck tired, unhappy tired" helps you to create your music, I don't know. But I do love your music so you must be doing something right. And you're only 31 so your body can probably tolerate the abuse.

Travis DeMello said...
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Strawberry said...

There are so many people that love you! You are my idol, I would love you forever if you were in Columbus lol
I hope you feel better and get some rest. Just take some personal days. Go to a spa just lay in bed in some comfortable pajamas. =]

Alberto! said...

does this song make you feel something after being 7 years touring?

joelle said...


joelle said...


Anonymous said...

good thing you turned on the lights.

bradley said...

hey amanda,

drop me a line. this is brad samuels
from fiske, diamond and lhs. i am in new york. let me know next time you are passing through.

June Miller said...

I wish I had such wonderfully creative friends as you do. I also wish to come home to a bed full of cupcakes the next time I'm feeling down, but we'll take it one step at a time.

Without trying to sound like a kiss-ass, I think that your high school photo is awkwardly adorable. It is, indeed, The Shit.

Perhaps some people use this web journal of yours the same way you do: as a way of connecting or feeling connections they otherwise don't get day-to-day. On more than one shit day, I've come home and fucked around on the interwebs to try and forget about the crap that'd gone on earlier, and I've come to your journal and a new entry was there. I guess you could say it's the equivalent of finding 60 perfectly frosted vegan cupcakes in one's bed.

Rest easy, ma'am.

Fluffy Stuff said...

Awesome !
I would need that too.
But well. Even my bf wouldn't do such a wonderful thing. People lack imagination those days.
Take care & get some rest (must be lovely with all the cupcakes around!)

(btw i just bought the dvd -yesss i'm late- and will watch it tonight... while wishing to see you guys back in France soon)

Laura said...

Nick rocks!! oh and if you have any of those cupcakes to spare send them my way :O)

Christian said...

That's not such a bad picture.

girlwithacamera said...

joelle... is kind of a jerk. Who repeats herself.

Fuck "getting over" anything. How bland and how false. As if anything important is ever gotten over, as if it does not become part of our own vital selves as surely as it is part of our biographies.

We all need friends like Nick Vargelis and we all need to be friends like Nick Vargelis.

Anonymouse said...

In response to: Flailing Flag from the front.

sexy said...