Monday, October 03, 2005

Count Down From Seven

it's been a long time since I diaried. i am still struggling with the idea of Living To Blog. i hate the nagging voice that says, as I live me life day-to-day, "Blog ME! I'm an Interesting Event!"
fuck that. it can't be healthy. anyway. here I am, to Update.


the time in the studio was hard, to say the least. now that i have some perspective on it, i can see what happened more clearly. we pulled up to the bottom of The Mountain on Sept 10th and were booked to live and record there until Sept 20th. i felt something odd right away, the minute we started driving up the zig-zaggity road. cue the music. it was JUST like the opening scene of the Shining. and the place, though it was beautiful, had a definite shining/agatha christie vibe. my head started to spoin a little. i couldn't put my finger on it. the next morning i felt bizarre. here we were, in the lap of luxury with a private studio and ten days to record and make music, and all i wanted to do was escape. i just didn't want to be there. the guys needed to get drums sounds and i had most of the day off, so instead of hanging out and getting myself acquainted with the facility and checking out the swimming pool and the woods and the fridge and the blah blah blah, i left. i just drove away. i drove the volvo down that mountain feeling like a bat out of hell. the nearest town was Woodstock, so there i went, found a yoga studio online, took a class and asked around for a cafe. and I got some tea and sat down and wrote and tried to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me, why i was so afraid. i still couldn't put my finger on it. i drove back to the studio later that day and called a friend, and tried to figure it out. "Are you PMSing?" No, there's no way, "What, what is it?" The best I could come up with was that I was just anxious and felt the pressure on my head, the pressure was too much to be contained within this superficial idyllic setting, and I hated the idea of being in close quarters with brian and these few other people with little contact to the outside world. that plus the fact that I felt weird about all the songs we were about to record they all seem too impersonal, and why are we up here at Major Label's expense in the bajillion-dollar studio....is it necessary? do we need to be here? when the fuck did THIS happen? it felt strange, foreign, Not Right. i tried to sleep it off and Calm Myself. As the days went by and we worked and worked and recorded, i tried to shake it but I couldn't fully. the days were packed, i would wake up and drive dwon to woodstock and do yoga and tea and then get back and we'd record from 2 til around 11 at night. work felt like a distraction, it was completly backwards. in good moments i could lose myself in some music-making, but not often. i felt like an alien in a strange land. the silence up there was deafening. i felt everything i wasn't. not a Rock Star, not a Person Who Loves Nature and loves Getting Away, not a Musician who loves immersing myself in music and music all the time. i just felt like a mistake, mis-cast in some surreal play. the days wore on and i adjusted and tolerated but never felt at home, and i was glad to leave. i felt guilty for feeling that, for sure. ach, poor little major label recording artiste.


coming home, i faced the longest stretch of time off we've had in a while. piles of Shit To Do towered on my desk and i attacked them with a viscous fervor, cleaning and organizing like the OCD person i never was, or never had the luxury to be. it's been nice to let myself off the songwriting hook, since i'm piano-less. there is a grand-sized space in my bedroom where the piano once stood, since it got shipped off to the various studios where we've been recording. we eased ourselves back into a rehearsal schedule, barely playing with each other and instead tending to our Real Lives and our relationships. everything is moving sort of slowly, but the future is barreling in. it's a strange feeling. did i mention that i've been feeling really strange? we go into the studio about every other day now, recording vocals and polishing the tracks at sean and paul's studio in cambridge. it feels like a job. it's so much different form the first record when everything felt so do-or-die and immediate. this is so relaxed and easy and non-immediate. i wonder if it's good or bad. it's so odd to be going through this process sand simultaneously trying to write the introduction and notes to the sheet music for our last record. chronicling this whole experience from three years ago. the differences between then and my life now are so glaring and refuse to make any real sense of themselves. i just sat in the middle of my bare bedroom with the grand-sized hole and listened to the first 8 rough mixes of songs on my stereo. they sounded empty. is it me? the songs? the recording? my speakers? am i losing it? i hope i'm losing it. that way there's a much better chance that that songs sound Brilliant and i'm just not noticing.


but music. i've been to some great shows in my few nights off. i went to see the white stripes, which was educational, and MIA, which was radical, and Antony and the Johnsons, which was above all...genius. he sings and my heart needs a chiropractor. that....and i went to see jaggery play (www.jaggery.org) and i am reminded again and again how the human voice can just transport you. it all makes me excited to tour again in october. the tour is going to be amazing, all of our friends on a bus together and an easy schedule with only 16 dates....how could it be that i've changed this much? i'm actually looking forward to going on tour, to get back to the grind. but the grind doesn't seem like a grind, it seems like an opportunity, an escape from this, a chance to connect with the world again. the strangeness i'm feeling, it;s kind of a loneliness, i think. i have found some excellent new teas. white tea with blueberry. green tea with pear. it's the Shit.


last night i made a major mistake and watched the movie "Seven". i stayed up all night shaking and couldn't get the images out of my head and finally asked my date to drive me home, where i didn't get to sleep til four in the morning and awoke with waking nightmares in my head. i tried to remedy this by motivating to the store this afternoon and buying DVDs of "Pretty in Pink" and "The Dark Crystal", which will hopefully sooth me and erase all traces of evil-knife-bondage-dildos and baptist serial killers from my sensitive brain. what the fuck? i experienced this same sort of trauma when i watched "requiem for a dream" about four years ago at my sister's house over thanksgiving. i couldn't talk to anyone normally for a day or two. it makes me think about how much we're at the mercy of the incoming. what do i see, hear, experience just riding my bicycle to the store and back and how much garbage is in my head, the sirens, the poverty, the city and it's callousness....wreaking havoc?

the woods are obviously not the answer. so?





a





p.s. book time
this is the book i've been reading lately, and it's Amazing: "The Inner Game of Tennis" by W. Timothy Gallwey. It's basically a Zen and the Art of Tennis book, applicable to anything in life but using tennis as a springboard to explain how our bodies instinctively learn and will perform at peak levels when left alone and not judged. don't worry, the irony is not lost on me.

15 comments:

aagje said...

oooh, amanda, i concur with your taste in movies! seven and requiem both left me sleepless for the night and paranoid for quite some time. it's nice to hear that you're looking forward to touring. SO ARE WE!!! And, by any chance, are you guys coming to Europe any time soon?? I'd love to see you again...

Judith said...

I’m sorry that you’re feeling like an alien. I wish I had something wise and healing to say but all I can contribute is that most of us experience that horrible, “How did I get here?” feeling at times. And it’s especially puzzling when we can’t identify obvious triggers.

I’m currently reading Ian McEwan’s novel “Saturday,” which takes place in a single day in the life of a neurosurgeon. A lot of story involves the different reactions and emotions triggered by the various external events. And while his own experience as a neurosurgeon informs his understanding of how his mind works, it is an interesting examination of how complex we are, how vulnerable to stimuli, how we might understand something scientifically, but we are still so little in control of our emotions.

Your entry today (particularly your reaction to “Seven”) reminds me of something in another novel I read recently – Mary Gordon’s “Pearl.” One of the book’s characters describes another as lacking the adequate filters that protect most people from being overwhelmed by the ugly things in life. Our filters are all set at different levels, and you seem to be one of those people that feel things very strongly, for better and worse.

There are so many “inputs” we can’t control, but your impulse to stay away from more movies like “Seven” is wise. I’m no fan of celebrity self-help gurus, but Tony Robbins is right when he advises people to “change their state” when they are experiencing depression and negativity. Whether it’s watching movies you love, spending time with friends, dancing like a dervish, walking in the sun, or drinking blueberry tea (yuck!), you need to do nurturing, productive things. Focusing on someone else – e.g. spending time with a child, doing volunteer work -- can also be a good antidote to torturing yourself with self-analysis.

Glad you’re feeling good about the tour. I’m looking forward to the Halloween show at Avalon.

JN

P.S. As a lifelong tea drinker (though more of a purist), I find myself wondering where you get your tea. I’d recommend Upton Tea Imports (www.uptontea.com). Great selection, wonderful service, and I love the customized labels (“Packed for Amanda Palmer on dd/mm/yy”).

artist said...

Your honesty about the wierdness of your creative process up there in the woods is interesting/inspiring.

A Unique Alias said...

I think it's interesting that just two months ago, you seemed to have the same reaction to touring as you now seem to have for being at home. I hope you find somewhere that is comfortable, and I'm sure the album will be stellar.

Claire Lacey said...

It must be bizarre to be bombared with support from strangers.

Needless to say, finding solace in tea and yoga is familiar to me. Your recording excursion sounds parallel to how I'm feeling about university right now. Right up to, and including being surrounded by woods and fleeing instead to an area of populace.

Things will jive for you again, eventually, I'm sure. They say you are always your biggest critic - and it's true. Best of luck finding equalibrium.

MaxRob said...

this often happens to me when I do my work like I'm part of the machine. but if you think the result is still part of the big machine. the way is you do your job without being involved in the catch. still I wonder where I lost my wills.

upsilon said...

Hiya, been following your posts for a while and like 'artist' says in his post, thanks for your honesty.
I am a performance artist currently breaking from travelling in a country foreign to my own but english speaking so not totally unfamiliar and yet I feel wrong, stagnated and uninspired.
I am going to attempt to remedy this by returning to my roots so to speak, im reading text books that I read in uni and listening to artists that have inspired me in the past and it is helping.
All will be good for you again soon. And I eagerly anticipate your new album as I have nearly worn out the current.

Thanks for your creativity and music!

shandance

Btw, have you heard of musician/choreographer Meredith Monk? I would be interested to know what you think of her work.

tim andren said...

You might like a book titled 'Body Mind Mastery'. Can't remember the name of the author. It's along the same lines as your tennis book, but approaches exercise and athletics as a whole from a mental and physical balance perspective.

Unknown said...

AMANDA, Greetings. So I'm really curious as to why you're feeling strange. Is it the growing "recognition" and change in routine? It doesn't feel the same, something feels different and 'wrong'...not that you're going to address the question personally but...if you feel like expounding on this in your next entry..i'm very curious. Oh, and I will see you tomorrow night in Iowa City and I plan on making out with you the entire time you're trying to sing...but i won't get in the way of your fingers...promise. Mkay. :D
-kara

Rameshacklee said...

I know what movies will put me in just the state you are talking about. "Seven" doesn't get me though, its too much a mystery to me and I can absorb it that way. "Requiem for a Dream" always throws me off though. After that movie I have to find something beautiful about the world or else I sink into a grim mood. For some reason, "Lost in Translation" always puts me in this strange mindscape where I suddenly wonder where the hell my life is going. I feel for you.

N. said...

Just stumbled across this today - you probably have enough comments to wade through already - but just to add my 2 cents worth...maybe your head and body were just not quite in the same place, it happens. I'm sure equilibrium will return (and despite readers comments that the Dark Crystal might be a bit on the, well, dark side of Pretty in Pink type entertainment, it is about equilibrium at least).

Requiem, ugh, yeah, that left me feeling dirty, dirty. Addiction, loneliness, repetition. It cuts close to the bone...

p.s. One of your friends (who's in the Vanity Set) does a great job of plugging you guys on her photosite - it's how I found out about your work :)

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Amanda said...

amanda. so long since that first halloween. you're in a dream and i'm a married fool. while i rot in my tub i mimick girl anachronism--i bet you didn't know that song was about me. i knew you for a week. maybe two. i'll never forget that cum in a whiskey vial, every time i see one i think of you.

cheers, to reno dakota and australian wine and strangers and cabarets and unbridled success and a past that is so removed from me it could have been a dream.

when the boy that i am wedded to saw you on the television he thought i'd like you, he didn't know i already knew you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Amanda.

I know exactly how you feel about how much we are at the mercy of the incoming. I would reccommend you watch a movie called "What the *BLEEP* Do We Know?"

(yes, that really is the title. With the *BLEEP* in it)

Rent it or buy it, doesn't matter. Just watch it. It might help you out with some soul searching things. Certainly helped me.

I know this is just another comment on your blog, out of the 54 that are here right now.

But, I was at work, and I had your CD playing in the store, and this girl came up to the counter and was like bouncing around saying she was from Cambridge, and she saw you and stuff, and she was SO excited to hear your CD being played at my store and that you guys were getting airplay.

Yes I do work at a CD store, and it's not a little one, it's a rather big chain of stores that's been around since the 70s here in Wash, DC.

Little things make people happy. She was happy, which made me happy, and I thought the story might bring some peace into your own soul.


You guys rock.

CL

Unknown said...

i went mad at the concert in IC. i was playing the air piano on my Girlfriends back. She forbade me from jumping on stage and devouring you though. so i just listened and watched; and it couldn't have been more lovely.