Friday, February 16, 2007

i fuck i fight in new york city

i'm back from NYC.

max has been sketching and painting ryan rosses all over the cloud club and "frying bread", which i guess is what people do in england when they're hungry.

max is staying here because life in england became too much to tolerate. i see him downstairs in the front room day and night, wrapped in his overcoat because he refuses to turn on the heat, squinting and crunched over ryan ross after ryan ross, clutching his pencil with furrowed brow, as if the world would finally decide to be kind to all of us if he could only capture that las vegas pout in perfect graphite two-dimensional likeness. he'd been sleeping in my bed while i was in New York City and there were still panic! at the disco centerfolds from kerrang! magazine scotch-taped to the headboard. his favorite bands: tom waits, nick cave, panic! at the disco. i forgive him. i have avril. the ryan ross he was working on in the UK before coming here got his nose smudged with jam. the one he was just working on got his nose smudged with red pen. we think it's a sign. we don't know what kind. maybe watch ryan ross's nose for signs of "work". ryan ross is the guitar player. they've become gigantic. i wonder how he's doing.

i noticed how the majority of comments come in immediately after i post the blog.
50% of them come in within the first 12 hours. thus: you are all LIVING online. crazy. but here we are.

new york new york...playing with sxip, corn mo, reggie & co. at joe's pub was like taking a bubble bath of the soul. Church.
the new songs went over really well and i felt so much love in that room. playing, playing, playing. we all sang a song together at the end of the night....a song by baby dee.

conrad from ...trail of dead is now a full-fledged brooklynite and we spent good times together, drinking gimme coffee and planning art takeovers. his visual art is amazing. he's been obsessed with poser, a computer program that creates 3D graphics....he told me many details of Tchaikovsky's life and death. he was apparently forced to commit hemlock suicide a group of his peers due to the fact that he was gay. this wasn't revealed until after the fall of the soviet union.

i recorded some vocals with voltaire, whose tongue-in-cheek goth-folk i have always thought was hilarious. i remember seeing him in boston 5 or 6 years ago, singing "bomb new jersey" at the somerville theater.
we wandered around the village with his 9 yer old son son, mars. i was always in awe of kids who had grown up in the city, especially manhattan. living in a house in the suburbs, i thought it was just inconceivable that you could LIVE in an apartment. i was insanely jealous. we used to drive from boston into cambridge and right off the highway at fresh pond there were three hi-rise buildings. i would state to my parents (this is...age 5) "that is where i am going to live. in the city. on the fifth floor from the top". little did i know, this was NOT the city. this was east cambridge, there happened to be three tall buildings, and they happened to be housing projects. my mother was always dismayed. i stood my ground for years. we would drive by and i would point there and remind her that we were passing my future home. in the projects, fifth floor from the top. it seemed like paradise at the time. walking with mars and his dad through the east village to do mundane things like pick up laundry and groceries was one of my most pleasant experiences.

to whoever picked up on this from the last blog entry:
"....to drive feels like a black mark that land on my head like a 276 pound guilty weight..."
and assumed they were cracking the code on the sing "672"....that was actually a complete coincidence. as was the fact that two pots of tea at cafe pamplona come to total exactly $6.72. two people came up to me wildly excited to have found out my secret. WRONG!

at union pool, watching franz's otherOTHER band, guignol, sxip tells me the story of how his theater director friend had found that one of his young actresses couldn't make a facial expression of surprise.
he concluded that they had entered a world of :) and :( and >:( instead of facial expressions, since teens are rushing home to communicate with each other online and their faces have fallen out of use.

i remember sitting behind my apple IIe in 1993, logged onto the precursor of the internet....it was a strange modem-connected chat board called Argus. i found an indian friend there and i remember asking him why he kept typing ":)" and he answered "put your head sideways and look again" and i still didn't get it. i was slow then, im still slow now.

i went with barnaby and his boyfriend to the Museum of Modern Art party....catpower was playing and it was one of those mexican standoffs between the super indie hardcore fanbase (there for the music, which was insanely quiet with terrible sightlines) and the rest of the crowd (cocktail swizzlin who the fuck is catpower anyway what were you saying types). she sounded ok but left the stage, seeming pissed, after a few songs. then she came back on and sang random a capella nonsense for a while. watching someone else's random trainwreck from the side of stage is always a weird cross between terrible and satisfying, since you're not the one suffering.
we headed out to an uber-gay dance night at don hills complete with nekkid boy pole dancers and i was in heaven, but tired. i left to sleep but got sidetracked by emily text-inviting me to a private karaoke room with the cribs and franz ferdinand. i was starting to feel like paris hilton. i went and it was hilarious (note to self: "fascination street" is the WORST karaoke song EVER).

the next few days saw me all over town and in all sorts of weird-ass places....i saw many many shows, among them: the new broadway hit spring awakening (great play, music didn't cut it), david byrne playing the music from his imelda marcos musical (sort of boring without staging, but david byrne was a gift to watch in himself), little buildings (a musical sung by architects and buildings, it was insanely cute) and point break live! (this one was SICK: a low-budget staged re-make of the early 90's keanu reeves/patrick swayze film. each night an audience member is selected to play keanu reeves and a chick with gym shorts and knee pads supportively follows him around squealing things like "now look really UPSET and say THIS!!!" while thrusting a cue card in his face....and given the fact that keanu basically always looked stunned and dumb in the film, it worked brilliantly. i hadn't ever seen point break and this stranger next to me had a video iPod. he had downloaded the movie that morning, and the show wasnt starting for fifteen minutes, so he gave me his headphones and i watched the entire thing on fast forward, stopping at the crucial bits. its the FUCKING FUTURE. i was there with dave bason who had along a band called motion city soundtrack. i had never heard of them, but the justin the singer got chosen to be the night's keanu and was perfect. then we ate foods and talked about band things. they were incredibly nice and smart. later i looked them up on the internet. they're huge! they're emo! who knew....this parentheses has gone on a long time.)

i went to aaron's house in yonkers and there was a den of rabbits taking up an entire room on the top floor. we listened to ESG and drew on the table,i went to my manager's new apartment and watched his 11-month old take a bath, i went to a birthday party (thrown by an ex-jehovah's witness turning 29. apparently when you're a jehovah's witness you can't celebrate your birthday so she was re-making her 13th birthday party....) with reggie and the whole party did foot reflexology, danced slow dances while people measured our bodily distance with rulers, and danced like mad to olivia newton-john. we all ended up in our underwear and reggie and i didn't leave until 5:30. this was a sunday. this is why i love new york. the cafe near reggie's place in the village is owned and run by a french woman and we got to know each other after i started setting up my office and cranking on my computer there several mornings in a row. i would speak to her in my terrible french, which i am trying to get up to speed for my month there in may. may. may oui.

jac took me to union picnic and we ate like kings. voltaire took me to indochine and we ate like queens. i took myself to cafe gitane (my new york Again cafe) three times. emily took me to her yoga studio in williamsburg and i ended up there another four times. it was perfect.

steve paul, a stunning human being and holdover from the old warhol/factory crowd invited me over to his place to do imromptu keyboard with a puppet named edgar. the huge chairman mao warhol print int he bathroom made me want to die. i ended up playing covers of "satisfaction" and "femme fatale" (the the puppet singing back-up on both).

i found an acupuncturist and went in twice for the hand. its doing better (i also got it shot full of cortizone yesterday by a western doctor. stick WHATEVER you need in there, people.).

people keep asking, so i answer: i read all the comments. ALL the comments. until i post a new blog; once a new one is posted, i rarely go back and read the comments on the previous posts. and to the soul who posted:

"kreig said...

okay if you're really amanda from the dresden dolls, why dont you talk about brian at all?

2:17 PM"

FUCK you've found me out. why has it taken you people so long?
the REAL amanda would obviously be detailing all sorts of painful personal stories of her relationship with brian, cementing the foundations of their already rock-solid friendship even further and insuring a healthy future for their relationship!!



it's one of the hardest things in my life to not write about that shit. don't rub it in.


one night reggie had some friends with tickets to see girltalk, a mashup DJ i had barely heard of. the show was at some random club in brooklyn....we went to his friend's place on the way and picked up beer and sushi. his friends were wonderful williamsburg brainiancs who created www.vimeo.com, a youtube challenger that folks are starting to catch onto. we had a good long talk about the extent of reality in virtual reality. we concluded: if you can't get her pregnant, it's not the same.

there was a girlgroup of four or five in attendance, twenties and super-brooklyn-hipster....the headbands, the striped hoodies, the dark skin-tight jeans stuffed into white pointy boots, the mullets. i was oddly intimidated. if they had ever heard of The Dresden Dolls, chances were they hated the band. even though these girls were ten years younger than me, i felt like i was back in the 7th grade lunchroom, desperately hoping to appear cool. i was, of course, decked out in one large (unwashed, i'd only planned to be in new york for 3 days and i ended up staying 13) swarm of gray sweater and my army boots. my winter couture hasn't changed in 12 years. reggie assured me i was pretty. yet these girls were only a taste of what was to come at the girltalk show, which was like the belly of the beast of hipsterdom. galore: slanted haircuts!!! pointy shoes!!! so many ironic outfits!!! i was enthralled.

and oh ........did the people dance..... they danceddance DANCED and danced (heres a clip from the show:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHGyKhWWDA0) ....we got up front and crushed and shook ourselves to death. i almost lost my beer. the mashups were great, all 80s and 90s pop and hip-hop glory as squished together as our bodies.... people throbbed, the crowd took over the stage and it was quite a sight to behold.
we didn't stay out late enough to see how it ended. but reggie did get a picture of me flailing in the moshing hipster mob of glory:



next thing you know i will move to brooklyn, get a slanty mullet haircut, wear pumps and start adding "beats" to my music.

on that note, things with the solo record are taking beautiful shape. i've been scouring through the collection of songs.
i've been enjoying living too much to write very much, and i DONT CARE. doth i protesteth....? i dunno; im trying not to care.

the last gasp in NYC was playing at Rubulad, a loft party in brooklyn that was so jam-packed with people that the fuzz shut it down about a half hour after i played. it was so crammed you couldn't move from one side of the room to the other. i wasn't supposed to play but i'd run into one of the rubulad guys (named, by the way, for theri old telephone number) the night before and taken up the invite. aaron's band golem (whose record i sang on about a year ago) were playing in a different room and it promised to be an insane night. the piano was wildly out of tune and i banged out night reconnaissance, point of it all and guitar hero...was going to bow out but took a request for bad habit. it was fun and humbling to play again in front of a group of people who were all talking and partying, some listening, some not....no special treatment. i had to convince them to listen. this is also why i love new york.

the very night i got back to boston i headed with max straight out to the world inferno show....where i continued to dance ass off and join in the crowd kick-line during their splendid hit "only anarchists are pretty". since then i've been in hiding, sorting through piles of life, music and fanmail and editing the london roundhouse DVD (which looks AMAAAZING and will be released this june when we tour, if all goes well).

contents of refrigerator and pantry combined: one half avacado, one bottle salad dressing, one odwalla juice.
contents of house: shifting; lee in montreal, pope downstairs, max in lee's apartment, troy and vessela from fluttr effect/pan9 housed next door for now
contents of sink: full of mugs
contents of CD player: rohan theater band and various funerary violin CDs
contents of email inbox: extremely daunting. will not be getting back to anyone in the next four weeks
contents of head: weary but happy






love


a



oh
more links:

ruff cut of the song i recorded with voltaire (studio photos too): myspace.com/voltairenyc
conrad: myspace.com/trailofdead
reggie: myspace.com/reggiewatts
aaron: myspace.com/lycaonpictus
world/inferno friendship society: myspace.com/worldinferno
funerary violin: myspace.com/guildoffuneraryviolinists
point break live! (if you're in NYC you MUST see this - closes feb 24):
www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/128881



................................................................................
................................................................................

www.myspace.com/whokilledamandapalmer

54 comments:

Timeandalittleblackcload said...

AS if to prove your comment statistics and theory about us "living online" true...

I got to read thoose first few paragraphs
(as is now becoming a regular accurence) before i have to go to a 9.00am lecture.

Peace and Love, ive started so ill finish (later)...

Danimal said...

Hey Amanda,

Just adding more weight to your comment statistics... Love your blog X

the movie freak said...

Bonjour Amanda,
I'm a French admirer of your music. I'm so glad you're coming to France in May. I live in Nancy, about 180 miles east of Paris. It'll be great if we had an Amanda Palmer or a Dresden Dolls concert here. Please think about it!
PS: if you need a French teacher...

DitaDoll said...

Hey Amanda,

Great photo of you holding your own with the Hip Kidz!

Can't wait for the Roundhouse dvd (was there both nights and it was stunning) and get overly excited each time you mention it! Just hope to 'god' my mad ramblings to the interviewer-types afterwards won't appear. It was one of those 'I'm so excited (and possibly drunk)and full of the sheer fecking joy of being alive that I can't stop this torrent of crap pouring from my mouth' moments. The fear keeps me up at night!

Hope you'll be back in the UK very soon. Going to see Jason Webley in Camden next month...

Did this get in within the 12 hours?!

DitaDoll xxx

Sebastian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jo said...

Yup, online we live!

broken0wish said...

Add it up.

Sebastian said...

numba six!! (or seven? this goes fast)
insane. What a day
I read today that Dante Alighieri used to excercise Gematrie. That means: You take the number correlating to approriate letter of teh alphabet (or in his case the alphabetto)and then add them up. uh, that sounds garbled its like this: A - 1, B -2 etc
so joe would be 10+15+5=20 a fine number
Amanda would be 1+13+ etc. plus your Family Name if you wish so. Dante then allegedly hid that number all over his poetry (not Amandas, his own)What does that mean? Dunno, probably nothing or that Dante had too much time on his hands. Or maybe that's the secret behind the number 672 or was it 726?
Anyway. today is such a good day with the sun shining and the finns coming over on row boats and me having a date with a girl in greenland we only have to dematerialize her Japanese lover. Or dance in clubs. Go out be good. Or send you plays from Paul Schaffer called 'Amadeus'
haha! I'm sorry I had too much coffee. I better stop writing now
Gematrize yourselves!
Cheerios
seb

Sebastian said...

my appologies for the double post and for depriving number eight of his or her rightful place
I don't know how that came to be
too much coffee
sorry
slainte

petergrimes said...

sure looks like you've been having fun! The way you live as an artist gives me hope that life as a musician can be like that! - being creative, being involved- i want it soooooooo much- i can feel it happening- there's a scene in London with bands like Acoustic Ladyland (amazing amazing) Polar bear, Jade Fox, and my band- trying to do something that means something_even though we're a minority- when you can get inspired by people around you- and they're only interested in making good music- its a really special thing. I wish I could come see the cloud club!
love
xxxxxx

5:03 AM

Ryan said...

Nice fillings. And thanks.

wuirbqirbi said...

Everything was moving by so quickly... life running rapidly through the veins, life streaming by in gusts of sporadic events, the stimuli clouding our vision...and you remind yourself that this is life and it's times like these you call bliss.

Je te souhaite un sejour merveilleux en France! Bonne chance avec la langue d'amour...bisous.

*ania*

Mdhatter said...

I really admire what you're doing to help Pan9. I have no connection to them, except for appreciating what I've seen. Boston would not be the same.

Be careful with the steroid shots, I'm sure the doctor told you but the long term implications of regular applications can be quite unpretty.

and sadly, my winter of living online comes to an end Monday at 8am. Being fired can be liberating, but any lifestyle generates bills, and bills do not pay themselves.

just out of curiosity, are professionals as bad at karaoke as amateurs? fascination street aside?

Ally said...

Hi Amanda, Im the one who left you the poem last time-I wanted to ask you-over a year ago on the main site I asked you a question-but I don't think you got to see it-so if I may I will ask again.
Im a 19 year old m-f transsexual with the urge to create art in every shape and form-but music is my life-and I wanted to ask you if you think a t-girl lead singer with a experimental band could touch lives the way you do, all my love and respect,
Ally x

michelle said...

hey beautiful,

you sound wonderfully happy. this is good. you made me giggle, as i have experienced the brooklyn hipster scene myself. new york is fantastic. i understand that you need a break (and it seems to be going splendidly), so i am trying my best to be patient for the solo album... although i am embarrassingly excited to hear what you've been putting together.

pretty much my whole family (eighty-year-old grandmother included) loves you, which is a rare thing. keep on having fun.

love,
michelle

Salokin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Salokin said...

When you say "when we tour", who exactly do you mean?
When the picture loaded, it died halfway, and I saw the only female forehead in the face, mistook it for you, and THOUGHT YOU HAD EYEBROWS! I think I may have died for a few seconds, but a rapid "reload" saved my fleeting soul. Thank god for the refresh button.
I think even if somebody did find the secret behind "672", you would still tell them they were wrong, just so your secret would be safe. Or it never had any meaning in the first place, and you wanted to fuck with people.
And we ate like queens.

Kim said...

Well I stumbled across this. No fault of mine...too cold to leave the apt, and I have a cozy glass of wine.

Just wanted to say I saw your cover of Lua on youtube - f'ing brilliant. Wish I could have seen it live.

I still remember hearing Backstabber and First Orgasm in NJ back in 2005 (some blazing place half a world away from Philadelphia...took too long, even doing 90-100mph...but worth it). I was ecstatic when I realized both songs were on Yes, Virginia...though my company didn't remember hearing them live...and I was the one drinking! (and yes, he was the one driving 90-100mph).

Right. Well, that's all.
Cheers

Erika said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
missxscissorhands said...

I don't have a myspace (shock, right?) and I'm really glad you post your blog here as well. Not sure I could live without your words sometimes.

love,

a fan

Erika said...

there is alot that i want to say to you but i dont think you/anyone wants to take that much time (at least not at once). So for one
Amanda Congrates!!!! (for working on your solo album, and recording with voltaire! It really sounds great) For another Amanda do you and Brian think you'll be creating a 3rd Dresden Dolls album? why do you never play in boston anymore? (i mean you do play here, yes but your barely here!) one more thing! just a little interesting thing CCHS (Concord Carlisle High School) is preforming EVITA this year as it's musical/opera?! just thoguht it might be cool for you to know! Amanda hope to hear back from you, thanks for making this extremely fucked up day more, sane?!

Erika said...

Wait!!!!!! Amanda does 672 even have a purpose/meaning? or did you just decide that it would be good/fun/entertaining to make it into a song! ~Anonumously Erika S. (yes i know the contridictory of that fare welling)
p.s hope you had a great valentines day! i had a snow day, kinda sad by that!

the_skyisfalling said...

Hey, Amanda.
I'm glad to hear that everything is going (presumably) well. I hope you and Brian work things out. I hope you fill your fridge, and for the love of god, I hope that you are happy.
I continue to admire and love from afar.
Mel

psst. www.theskyisfallingdownonme.blogspot.com.

Maire?? said...

so this post is on a much happier note, and that makes me happy too.hmmmmmmmmmmm i was born in New York, but now i live in boring old P.A. well thats all i have to say for now, and whether you care or not there it is.

I love you so......

(i have yet again forgot my password, so i have changed my username from Maire? to Maire??)

Maire?? said...

I am back again.......just to ask How the hell does myspace work? i am too confused to use it. eh?

well scince i have started writing this i shall end it in something you have heard millions of times before.................I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ok i think that should be enough(!) tee hee

Sara said...

Just so you know, thank you for letting us in on your life, haha. The fact that you, Amanda Palmer, are reading this comment I am writing to you blows my mind. Call me easily amused, or maybe just starry-eyed, but I appreciate the opportunity to read the words and thoughts of one of the women I admire most and who I considered, until a few days ago, completely out of reach.

P.S. listening to the track you and Voltaire recorded as I type...!

Maire?? said...

oh yes tonight i am on an internet thive... or whatever, so i am back again with more love, oh yes i love you. you must here that so much that it no longer has any meaning.How many times say that i love you till it doesn't mean a thing.hahahahah. i like to make allusions. i will never ever ever ever not love the beautiful Amanda Palmer.ahhhhhhhhh i just remembered that my sister's room mate,Kelly,saw you when she was working. she works at 1369, and she served you a small latte that night.ha, it is funny how i know things like that.well yes, it is time to say.......................(dun dun dun).......I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maire?? said...

again-i love you.

Maire?? said...

ok now i am really commenting on what you wrote.i just think it is funny that i do live online, but at the house i spend most life at,my moms house,doesn't even have the internet, so when i come to my father's house i go right to the computer and see if you have posted any new blogs, and if you have i read them and then i comment. i am just so thankful that i have a way to communicate with you at all. thank jesus for that.guess what time it is.......
it's Maire Ellen Mannix loves Amanda Palmer time.I LOVE YOU!!!!!!








i love you more than anything in this world................................................haha

George said...

So, I've seen the Dresden Dolls in concert a few times, but it's fair to say that I'm not hardcore like the other folks here. But perhaps I can offer some free advice? (Take it for what it's worth...)

Sonic Youth is playing Burlington VT Sunday night. Simply, I've never had a bad time in Burlington. It's a soldout show, but you could, umm, work your connections or work craigslist or something. National-level bands plus Burlington equals a good time. It's a bit of a trek from the Boston area; I'm taking time off from work and renting a room for the night, but I've done it as a day-trip before.

If you're not already a fan... If you can get into the Legendary Pink Dots, you can get into Sonic Youth!

Maire?? said...

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala--ok i'll stop "la-la-la-ing" anyways just like i have said before...................................................................(suprise)I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh scince this is my only way of telling you anything i am going to tell you on this commenting thingy about some bitchin' project i did at school(yes, i am loser 7 grade student)well anyway it was an english project for our poetry unit(and this is not just some story in my life that you don't care for, it actualy has to do with you)
and we had to choose any song we wanted that was "clean" and i picked "Girl Anachronism". i had to come up with an analysis for the song, and that was not hard thanks for my handy dandy "dresden doll companion" then i made a wonderful poster filled with pictures of you and Brian. and i got to show my classmates the beauty of the dresden dolls. then they got to here your amazing voice/your rocking piano skills/Brian's kick ass druming when i played "Girl Anachronism".
and i scored 50/50 on it! so thank you for one makeing the worlds best music, and two writing that companion because it really helped me.......................................................................................................I LOVE YOU,AMANDA PALMER!

from that carzy obsessed girl named maire(just incase anyone is wondering my name is pronouced mary)





lotslotslotslotslotslotslotslots
ofofofofofofofofofofofofofofofofof
lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

Maire?? said...

now i think this my last comment for tonight because i am getting tired now, but oh i'll be back in the morning. just so i can sleep extra tight knowing that i've said this for one last time tonight.
I love you.
goodnight,even if you don't read this at night.
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
(i think it's perfectly clear now)
i love you...................................................................
i
love
you

Maire?? said...

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo son of bitch! i just spent forever on a comment, and i just fucking accidently deleated it! fuck it took forever to write.GERRRRRR stupid myself. and i am to lazy to write it again so i will just try and say it without all the details.so it was something about how i heard of you/how i became obsessed with you/a secret shoe store in Boston/i am going to Boston in April(the month of both of our birthdays but mine is 25 days before yours, and you are 18 years older than me/how much i love you...again/a stupid girl named emily who is a my chemical romance lover(yukkkkkkk)and a panic! at the disco Liker(ewwwwwwwwww)but she listens to the dresden dolls, but she just doesnt understand that the dresden dolls are the oppisite of her, but she acts like she loves them anyway.so that was what my lost comment was about mainly.but i feel like just going a little more detail about the secret shoe store in Boston. i don't know if you have ever been there or not but i shall explain anyway. so i have a sister who goes to Tufts, so she lives in Boston. she tells me of a very odd secret shoe store. now there is a fake convenient store, but you can actully buy stuff in this fake convenient store, but if you go to a snapple machine in this store all you have to do is press a button and the snapple machine moves aside, and then it is a passage into a awsome shoe store. and like it says up a bit in this comment i am going to boston in april, and when i am there you beter be there too so i can find you. and i was thinking to myself i wonder if your index fingers going. beter i hope. thank you so very much for blogging.thank you, thank you, thank you! i love you***





see i said i would be back in the morning.



well one more time i Love you Amanda










ok this is the last time for now at least.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Maire?? said...

OK now i have just looked at who evers profiles i could see who have commented and my i saw that some people listen to crap like my chemical romance and the used. call me a bitch but it SUCKS. but i also noticed that a few people have Amelie in the favorite movies thing, so to whoever likes amelie rock on that movie is the shit.

(sorry Amanda For writing here when that was not even sent out to you)I LOVE YOU, AMANDA PALMER

Ronja said...

New York is great. I've been there 1 time and i had the tme of my life. It's a long trip, but every lttle penny worth it!
Sounds like you had a great time there too! "i fuck i fight i new york city"

I really enjoy reading your blog, dearest, so keep the words coming even though the life outside the machine *can* be fun too.. fully agreed!

Schnell leben
Jung sterben
Gibt eine schöne Leiche

Sometimes its great living like that.

ps. I need to know you.. are you checking the band mail? i wrote i few words there. cool

xronja

Maire?? said...

I AM BACK IN ALL CAPS!
I LOVE YOU AMANDA PALMER!
I NEED TO GO GET SOME BREAKFAST NOW!
AGAIN-I LOVE YOU

Atul said...

I agree with michelle.
Your posts are so different when you are not on tour or otherwise set upon. And you *do* sound happy. Tired, sure...but somehow refreshed as well. I go away for a bit and everything is so different.

I remember the projects by Alewife, though. It was the very picture of a bleak northern industrial waste land 10 years ago, so who knows about 25. Strange, that your five year old eyes wanted that.

And, damn, I really wasn't going to add any more about the fillings. But I thought you had them replaced with the non-metallic ones... (perhaps I shouldn't reference your blogs with in your blogs?)

can't help it, I turn so geeky-nerdy-star struck when I come back here.

keep fucking and fighting,
atul

Damien said...

Amanda,

That's a ROUGH?! Amazing. Next time you see Voltaire, tell him I say hello, and ask him if he has any left of what I gave him.

No, not that, just a drink i gave him a lot of, last year. Should have been enough to last him.

I'm very glad it sounds like you had a refreshing time in NYC.

Natalie Rose said...

To start off with, something I actually meant to post in reply to the last blog but got… honestly, discouraged.

I can’t find the actual quote at the moment, but about going to New York City. I’ve found (as of about a year ago) my favorite part of the journey is when you’re in transit. Before you leave, it’s stressful. There’s a daunting list of things you have to do, you’re trying to out the damn door, pack up the car, it’s crazy. And when you get there, well, there’s another daunting list of things you have to do like unpack, greet people, get everything settled and then do whatever you meant to do when you got there. But when you’re in transit, you’re neither here nor there, you can turn up the radio and there’s nothing you have to do because you’ve already left but you have not yet arrived. Arriving isn’t all it’s cut out to be, methinks.

Thoughts about the internet as a place, and us living on it: The other day I was typing up and e-mail from work, and realized I was going to send the person another e-mail when I got home. It was a very strange feeling to think that while I was moving, I wasn’t. Sure, I’d be typing up the e-mail in a different location physically, but I was in the same place on the internet. Ah, here it is:

Alright... the munchkins have gone home, I did lesson plans for math tomorrow-- time to head home myself! I feel as though I will be seeing you soon even though it's just on google mail and technically the same exact place I am right now... The internet is weird.

That's my conclusion for the day.


Just so you know, I'm writing this instead of packing (I have to move back up to Bennington tomorrow morning). I always appreciate a proper outlet for procrastination.

Sorry about people being assholes about Brian. Just a thought, though—do you keep an analog journal? I keep online journal(s) and an analog one for a variety of reasons. Writing it out can be much more satisfying, but it’s also so much more time consuming (I type much faster than I write), but, it’s something you can hold and touch. It’s also private. And while I can make “private” posts on LiveJournal or some such, it’s not the same. Those get buried quickly with time. An analog journal stays, holds, and carefully guards your deepest feelings for you to reference whenever you need to. So, for things like Brian or, in my case, all the things I don’t feel like vomiting all over people, I write them down in there. It’s very satisfying/comforting. Especially if you find a journal you really like (mine has some old maps on the front and a compass at the top of each page). Plus, they can double well as scrapbooks. Can’t do that online.

Chances of ever figuring out what 672 means to Amanda Palmer: Zero.
Finally understanding what the song means to me (and grinning): Priceless.

And, no, I won’t tell you either. [Resisting temptation to make a “sticking my tongue out at you smiley”… dear Lord.]

Clearly the reason I love you is because you use parentheses. I never realized how much I love parentheses (because they're the best way to emphasize my quirky, self-ironic sense of humour in print) until I took a class called "The Journey" about a year ago. We were researching the 1860s, but instead of it being a typical, boring history class, we each had to create personas that might exist in the 1860s and write letters to and from them (with footnotes and references, of course). One of the best ways of exploring history, in my opinion. Anyhow, I had a tendency to use parentheses here and there in the letters, which spawned an interesting conversation with my professor:

Eileen-- How would I have survived in the 1860s?! They didn't have parentheses! (And I've seen no proof, yet, that they even had a sense of humour.) I would've been lynched for over-usage of sarcasm. Maybe even burned. Lynched and burned! For good measure.

Maybe the truth is my e-mails/letters/etc. are so long because I can never think of a way to end them short of, "Okay, I'm going to shut up now before I kill you with my incredible ability to wield annoyance." Actually, that's not half bad. The key now is to make a graceful exit by pretending I can fly and heaving myself out the window (it's okay, we live at ground level). Onward!


(See, I’ve had that “I write too much” problem for a very long, long, long time. Actually, last term I had to write a paper for my poetry class that was a page too SHORT! I couldn’t think of what else to add, it felt concise and finished at the length it was. I handed it in short, lost some points for length, and continue to be baffled as I’ve since written many long, lon—ehem—letters, blogs, e-mails, papers, etc.)

Your parenthetical self-irony in the 1860s letters gave me much thought, quite a pleasure, one never possible in five-page essays about the main causes of the Civil War. I had to scan my mind for all that I had read and seen from that period to reflect on whether people did have this reflex in their thinking and writing. As I may have mentioned, Karen G---- said that from at least 1700s on, there was the reflex of using short phrases between commas as a way of standing back from the thought being articulated before continuing on.

(After thought—do they have a ____________ Anonymous for folks who don’t know when to shut up? I mean, not like a “Whiners Anonymous,” but a “Long-winded Anonymous.” This is pathetic…)

In the process of going through my old Yahoo! mail to find the snippets of e-mails I wanted, I ran across a menagerie of interesting things. For one, this, which made me grin. Why, yes, I do need money for college. I don't suppose you're going to just hand it to me because I have a nice smile, now, are you? And who is Breanna? I don't know, but she's trying to sell me prespcription drugs, apparently. Other things include e-mails from Sasha. For one, I look at where it says sender and her name is spelled all in lowercase letters. Didn't you learn, sweetie, for someone who's such a grammar Nazi I thought you'd know that proper nouns are capitalized. Amanda does the same thing... Yes, but Amanda does it for poetic value, Sasha does it because she's lazy. Is that true? I have no idea. Reading the titles of some of these e-mails from her are worse. My heart ached at first: "Re: Love you..." "MISS YOU TOO!!!" And then I got a little angry. I looked at them again. "Re: Love you..." "MISS YOU TOO!!!" I guess we know who said what initially. God, I'm an idiot. I'd like to think I'm working her out of my system, but what are my chances of bumping into her tomorrow? 60-70% if I don't go to meals? Great. Oh, and today's her 21st birthday. I'm saying it here so I'm not tempted to do something far more stupid, "Happy Birthday, Sasha. I hope all your friends at home didn't forget again like they did last year."

(Note: typing this up in MSWord because, (1) I’m not writing it linearly, (2) that little box on the blogger page feels claustrophobic and (3) spell check. Sasha is underlined in squiggly red. Thanks Microsoft… you heartless bastards.)

Despite the fact that my self-esteem has improved by the bucket loads in the past few months, I found I still don’t feel “good enough” for other people. I tell myself that I’m not dating anyone now because I don’t want to be dating anyone now. True. I say I don’t want to be dating anyone now because I have a lot of work to do and not much free time. Half true. I say I feel more myself, or that I have a better image of myself without another person attached to me. Also true. I say that if something comes along, I won’t pass it up. False. I tell myself I have absolutely no desire for having another person in my life in that capacity. Very false.

The other night I saw my friend Sarah for the first time in two months. It was wonderful, we had a lot of fun. We even went to Friday’s and bought drinks (my first time doing that… it doesn’t make me feel like any less of a hypocrite). At one point, though, Sarah and I were talking about this “mystery bunny” because I realized I’d never told her the story before. Nearly a year ago, someone left a brand new (with tags) stuffed bunny in my mailbox up at school, with a note written on an index card that said, “To Miss Natalie Rose, with Love.” And that was it. I pumped everyone I knew for information, even got hand-writing samples, but alas, could not find the giver of said gift. There was one person another friend of mine had a hunch about, though, who we never completely ruled out (though I find it unlikely). I mention him to Sarah and she starts talking about how much she likes so-and-so as a person and all their good qualities and I start to feel myself sinking like I’m standing in a big mud puddle (think, The Neverending Story swamp of despair sinking).

I ruled out quite a long time ago that it was a “secret admirer” (people who are secret admirers themselves, like me, never become admirees) for a variety of reasons. (Namely: (1) Secret admirers are either methodical and/or impatient, this person was neither. (2) Secret admirers are usually within a person’s circle of friends because it’s not much use or fun if you don’t get to see the person’s reaction(s).) But, there was still a twinge there, that this guy could not be the guy because I was not, am not, would and will never be “good enough” for him. I wasn’t enough for Sasha either. (Though, I’ve since realized no one can be enough for Sasha, especially when she ideally wants to be in several relationships at once. The more I think about “us,” the more I feel like I probably dodged a bigger bullet than I realize.) Let’s face it, I’m just not that person. I fall in love with strangers, but no one falls in love with me. You ask anyone, and they could go on and about nice and sweet and great and loyal I am, but no one would ever consider dating me. I’m not sexy or beautiful, I’m “cute.” (Sasha may have once said otherwise, but she’s a liar anyway.) I’m not the girl people fantasize about kissing, I’m the girl who drives two hours out of my way to the nearest bus station so that Sasha and her boyfriend can make out in the back seat while I try not to growl and grimace and glance in the rearview mirror every 10 seconds. I’m the girl who people say, “What if someone better comes along?” to. (Yes, that actually happened. Face, meet palm.)

Thing is, I’m nice. Too nice. And a long time ago (or not that long ago) I used to say that I’d always be alone because no one would ever want me. Bullshit—if I wanted, I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone who’s perfectly happy to take advantage of a nice person. What seems next to impossible, though, (not just for me, but for a lot of people) is finding someone who accepts us just the way we are. Why do so many people have this specific standards that they attempt to fit people into? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t your standards adjust to fit the person you’re with? Damnit, I’d much rather be by my lonesome instead of trying to fit myself into someone else’s preconception of what their partner “should” be. I’m me, and I’m fantastic and you can shove your notion of eyebrow waxing, petite, quiet, proper little housewife up your arse for all I care. I’m tired of bending over backwards for people who won’t even have a real conversation with me concerning compromise. You don’t want to wear a condom? Good. You can not wear a condom by yourself in front of your computer whilst looking at erotic pictures of catgirls.

The other day, Valentine’s Day, I’d left the TV on and Dr. Phil came on. There was this one husband who complained that his wife was stylish during the day, but at night she wore, gasp, sweatpants and flannel nightgowns to bed. How unsexy! How dare she! And you know what Dr. Phil and his wife said? “Jeeze, you guys have only been married two years? You have to try harder!” “You know, you can wear something comfortable while still looking feminine and pretty.” So the wife comes out in this stain nightgown wearing Malibu heels (the fluffy things). I wanted to die. Gee, you’re right! Who doesn’t want to slip into a pair of heels after a hard day’s work? Just so my husband can feel like he has the proper trophy wife. I like how it was the woman’s fault, and that the husband was upset that she word sweatpants-- what the hell? Women aren’t allowed to be comfortable unless it’s sexy first? I missed something. You know what I wear to bed? Depends on the night, but I have my share of comfy, flannel nightgowns. I find them endearing, actually, especially the shorter ones that look rather childlike. You know what I thought of what the wife was wearing on national television? How stereotypical, it feels like something I’d see on the OC (I think, I don’t know, I’ve never actually watched the show). Good, go be conventional. I’ll be warm and cozy and “unsexy.”

And yet, while I can run around blazing with middle fingers held high, I still feel inadequate? I’m honestly confused by all this. I hear Sarah talk about so-and-so or anyone she admires for any reason, and I automatically assume I lack all those good qualities and should just go shoot myself now. What the hell? Have a been brainwashed for too long, is that what’s going on?

How am I supposed to let her go when I still have hope that things will be alright between us someday? How am I supposed to let go when I see myself, in bits and pieces, becoming what I once thought was her potential? (Am I still trying to make her proud, even though she’s not around?) I wrote this, and “if the opportunity presents itself,” I might send it to her:

Dear Sasha,

I have figured out that if I had one last thing to say to you, what would I say.

I would tell you that I am sorry for hurting you and that I did not realize that even with the very best intentions I could still hurt you so much. I was trying so very hard to love you that I did not realize until now that despite all my love and good intentions, I could still only hurt you because I did not love myself. By not loving ourselves we hurt the ones we love, which in turn comes back to harm us again. And since, to me, the worst offence is not harm done to me but harm done to those I love… since I have been perpetuating the very thing I am so afraid of, it is not worth spending my entire life with someone I despite (i.e. myself). So, I will love myself and end this cycle and finally be able to love unhindered.

I realize now that we both hurt the other very badly, but it was never intentional. You have never needed to earn forgiveness from me; you have always had it. Do you have the strength to forgive me?

I love you very much—I always have and I always will. I have kept my word, Sasha. You will always have a unique spot in my heart and if you’ll have me, I’ll be waiting. I will give you the space you request out of respect, but I will never give up on you. Wherever you are, my love will be with you.

Always your Natawahi,
--Natalie Rose


Here’s the thing. I say I’ve forgiven her, I really do think I have… but, some days, I’m not so sure. If I’d really forgiven her, she wouldn’t still make me so angry, right? It’s funny… she and I are so similar in so many ways… the only real difference is I’m ready to evolve, to grow, to change my bad behavior… she’s not. She clings to stagnation. And I just don’t understand.

The problem with the world is no one is straightforward with anyone else anymore. Wait… anymore? Ha, we never were. It’s about time we change that, I think.

Since I’ve been working with the little children, I’ve rediscovered how amazing children’s literature can be (but is often overlooked because it’s “children’s literature”). So, some (children’s) book recommendations for you:

“Frederick” by Leo Lionni
“A Bad Case of Stripes” by David Shannon
“The Dandelion Seed” by Joseph Anthony
“The Wishing of Biddy Malone” by Joy Cowley*
“Feathers and Fools” by Mem Fox
“The Widow’s Broom” by Chris Van Allsburg
“The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig” by Eugene Trivizas
“The Wolves in the Walls” by Dave McKean and Neil Gaiman

Alright, I have to restrain myself… that’s more than plenty for now. (Do you like fables, by the way?)
*(Sasha used to read this to me when I was sick. Despite all the crap, it still holds very fond memories for me, and is just such a wonderful book.)

Oh, and, out of sheer curiosity, any thoughts on the whole Aqua Teen Hunger Force vesus Boston incident? Whenever I bring it up to anyone they either vehemently jump one side or the other when what I’m really curious about is the development of gorilla advertising versus gorilla art. Are they related, are they the same? Should the artist have been accountable for what happened even though he was only being paid to do a job (I think not! But they arrested him anyway…)

Lastly, Spring Awakening as a musical freaks me out… but, that’s because I saw Bennington’s production of it last year. [wince].

SullivanChris said...

do people dig your blog (or any good blog) cause they feel like they are talking to the person, you in this case?... feels that way... reading your writing plus the internal dialogue of my brain = pseudo conversation? stumbled upon your blog while reading some lyrics... hooked... addicted... completely unexpected entertainment. it made me so happy reading your stuff... i thought to myself i need to tell my friends! this is great stuff... but alas... nahh they won't get it.... then i became depressed since it is kinda sad that the happiest part of my day (actually early am) is reading about your life and thoughts... arggh! fun stuff anyway. thanks.

holly said...

i meant to reply last night but fell asleep. i have your blogpage in my favourites, its bizarre but i find that i can usually tell when youre going to post or have just done so, therefore i check and usually find the blog updated only a few hours before.

reading this entry made me happy, so did the thought of you singing kareoke with the guys from franz ferdinand...i wonder tho what made your english gentleman so disillusioned with bonny blighty, ive always found it to be very homely
much love
h
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rob said...

just lurking in the under-fernage...

sick as a fish;

dont get over-heated (salmon sez)

x/r

Natalie Rose said...

Also, if you're not familiar with it, one of the most amazing sites on the web:

Pandora

David said...

(some) >>quotes from amanda's post (and my responses):
>>i was always in awe of kids who had grown up in the city, especially manhattan. living in a house in the suburbs, i thought it was just inconceivable that you could LIVE in an apartment.
It IS inconceivable. Only bees should live that way. Humans need more peace and quiet than they are currently able to get in modern urban life.
>>assumed they were cracking the code on the sing "672"....that was actually a complete coincidence. as was the fact that two pots of tea at cafe pamplona come to total exactly $6.72. two people came up to me wildly excited to have found out my secret. WRONG!
Numbers are way cool. Like you said "life lines shit up" sometimes. Iteration. I have a 672 resonance, or maybe it’s really a 72 resonance.
>>this is why i love new york. the cafe near reggie's place in the village is owned and run by a french woman and we got to know each other after i started setting up my office and cranking on my computer
OK- you're setting up an office in NYC. This could be good for us, your fans. You will start a "New York" phase of your career, where you will compose some of your greatest works, even with arthritic fingers and a sore throat ...
>>i had to convince them to listen. this is also why i love new york.
Yes, New Yorkers are hard to convince. But once convinced, they are just as hard to convince of something else. And once convinced of something else, they are just as hard to convince of yet another thing. 8 million stubborn ass bastards.
Thanks for posting again. Yeah it looks like we want to register our comments as soon as possible. We are pathetic, no? But it is so warming and fun to read your words and the rainbow of commentary ...
Unlike Al Gore, I didn't invent the internet, but I was SO smart back in the 70s (I was at my intellectual and creative peak at ages 18-25, though I also did some of my stupidest things then too - whatever...) that I predicted the convergence of TV, telephone, and computers. Yeah, I knew then that those technologies were weaving together, and I know also that the goal of tech is to produce the son of man. You know, the AI robo-person. Common scifi claptrap. But really, it's where we're headed. We probably can't help it. Anyway, convergence was palpable, but not predictable.
Maybe it was the 80's that convergence first occurred to me ...? I definitely remember thinking in 1984, "holy crap, I can't believe it's really 1984!" Most of the rest of the 80's was spent in a state of ED (Existential Dread). But having children forced me out of that apoclalyptosis. El Mundo Terminado is just a way of reducing everything to ashes and justifying futility. What a stupid trap!
Anyway yeah, who the fuck could have predicted the internet? I mean this convergence thing has just flowered into so many incredible blooms, hasn't it? Just when I think I'm through with it, it sucks me in deeper. Crap I'm stupid!
Yeah I'm a freakin nerd. And a beauty freak too. Your voice and your piano- beautiful. And your words, they somehow register deeply within me, even though as I read your blog I am tired out just imagining your wanderings. As always, thank you for your amazing effort and for sharing your talents so freely!
Sounds like someone wants to move to NYC! It probably would not hurt your creative journey to enter that vortex. SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE SO CLOSE TOGETHER! (Though I am terrorized for 5+ years now, and I worry about NYC so much that I call it "target town". I would be too scared to live there and have not visited since well before 9/11.) I think you said that you love NY at least 3 times.
Love really hurts sometimes. Don't it? People just don't get it. I think of it like marble cake or swirls like tornados. The vortices of all those universal opposites good/evil pleasure/pain love/hate everything/nothing yin/yang.
Six Hundred Seventy Two. I lived at 672 Elm St. when I was in grades 4 to 6. I delivered the morning newspapers on my bike. Then my parents divorced. We had moved to 672 Elm St. from 72 Daniel Rd. (I had and lost a son named Daniel) And my first love and I shared a bed in room 72 of her dorm. We didn't do it, I didn't really know how at that point. I still dream of her every couple of years. I should not tell all that I suppose. I just dig that little track- Your voice and your piano- beautiful.
Do you like Sarah Silverman's show? How about Sigur Ros? The Fall?
Blog on Amanda. Thanks so much!

Who is this Max anyway? Is that one of his Ryan Ross sketches at your myspace page?

supervixen91 said...

Hey Amanda, I discovered Dresden Dolls music only 5 days ago and ever since I've been hooked on both cds and pretty much already memorized the lyrics. You and Brain are amazing, next time you alone or with the Dolls in Southern Cali I'll try damn hard to see you. Your lyrics inspire me and watching videos of you playing your piano makes me want to take up lessons :)

much love,
~marissa~

Natalie Rose said...

I just thought you'd like to know, I found my compass!

(My mom had swept all the things on my dresser into a big bin, and there, in the middle of a pound of make-up accessories I recieved as generic birthday presents during my teens and never use(d), was my beloved compass.)

The world feels rounder again.

Joanna said...

Hey Amanda
I love your blog and your music, you never cease to amaze me. I'm an amateur writer [have just sent my first novel off to a publisher] and I only wish I could write with half the depth and beauty that you write with. Your songs are incredible. Never stop creating ... you rock.

the Kate said...

maire, whatever happened to our beautiful friendship? your obsession with amanda palmer has reall put a damnper on things. For me anyway.

Maire?? said...

hahahaha i am back only this time at emily's house.(ehhhhhhh) i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Maire?? said...

now that i have nothing to do i just must say.....THANK YOU FOR BLOGGING!!!!!!!

Maire?? said...

now i am going out in the snow so ??????? well one more time for today I lOVE YOU...............and who is the kate??? but more so i love amanda palmer.

~ebony~ said...

Maybe it's not that you don't appreciate fans flying out from all over the world to see you anymore, maybe it's just that you aren't surprised at it anymore. I think you appreciate it because you're aware of your appreciation for it. If you didn't, you wouldn't care.

LILY{LILITH} said...

HELLLOOOOOO!!!!!!! MY NAME IS LILY AND I AM A BIG FAN OF YOU AND BRIAN
!!!!!!!!!!
IF U READ THESE POST THEN U PROBABLY KNOW MAIRE?? SHE IS MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE FUCKIN WORLD AND IT WAS HER THAT TOLD ME ABOUT THE DRESDEN DOLLS!!!!!!!
AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE BAND!!!
AND MOSTLY U!!!!!I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOTS ANS LOTS OF LOVE!!!!!!
P.S. I LOVE U!!!!AND U PROBABLY KNOW THAT!!!!!!

Klemperer said...

Amanda wrote

...he told me many details of Tchaikovsky's life and death. he was apparently forced to commit hemlock suicide a group of his peers due to the fact that he was gay. this wasn't revealed until after the fall of the soviet union.

It might not be too important for you, but this is not strictly true. First, Tchaikovsky was thinking about suicide very often in his life, and it seems not always and not alone because he was gay (and being gay was treated like a crime in his lifetime 1840-93 in zaristic Russia). And additionally I knew, like thousands, about himself being gay and that it *might* have to do with his death from a novel by german author Klaus Mann from 1935, "Symphony Pathetique". He was the son of Thomas Mann who won the nobel prize in 1929.
As I said, not really important, but all of that wasn't "hidden away" for such a long time. In fact there was a rumour about his homosexuality in 1893 in old conservative Russia, and it seems "the upper class" blabla-ed about it a lot.

What strikes me a bit in those last years is that so many problems for so many people are forgotten, as if we'd take - really serious - problems of only some people and forget about the rest, while bashing left-wing-people who fought for ALL people who are worth to fight for.

I want to add that I'm a big admirer of Edward Ka-Spel and the Pink Dots since many years, and enjoyed a video with you and Edward very much. All the best!