Thursday, August 10, 2006

imagine all the panic (!)

my body is heaving a kind of relief that it's never known before.

it's so hard to relate to anyone, even those who know me well, the combination of good and bad and evil i've been whizzing through in the past five weeks. one minute, playing in front of vapid mallrats who are alternately ignoring us and screaming at us. seeing the look in brian's face (he is, in my humble opinion, one of the top drummers of the century) after kids scream at him "YOU SUCK!!!!" after his heartwrenching drum solos. dressing rooms with no food, and sometimes no water, fluorescent lights, no trees, no quiet, no soundchecks, the haze of nothing to do in the middle of giant parking lots that stretch as far as the eye can see. squeeeeeeeling fourteen-year-old girls hanging around the tour buses all night, hoping to catch a glimpse of a panic member. trying to relate to the boys in the band, mostly not getting anywhere. the bus starting to feel like a cage.

the next minute, getting in a cab for Fuck The Back Row, into the arms of our fans, watching our little world growing slowly, as it does, step by step, friend through friend, word by mouth. being so exhausted i can barely stand. feeling the realness of a makeshift vaudeville theater dressing room instead of a corporate cubicle, laughing with the drag queens, watching all the beautiful art that people are making and bringing, wanting to spend more time with every person i meet, not wanting to go back to the bus. ever. feeling the difference between being on stage in front of three hundred people listening, slowly, versus being on stage in front of 3000 people chewing gum, blinking wildly and texting.

and mostly, moving too fast to feel anything. seriously. emotions just shutting down and assuming they'll have time to manifest at some later date.

the panic tour did have it's bright spots. the boys themselves continued to be gentlemen and sweethearts, and i got to know ryan (the guitarist and songwriter that i had over to the cloud club, see last long blog) a little better. i felt like i had something, anything, in common with him....he has an artist's head, i said, he thinks in lyrics, he likes to wear wild make-up (but had never heard of adam ant?? i tried to rectify and gave him an adam ant mix, but who knows if that'll do any good)...he must be from a similar planet. he grew on me. we sat down one night after a particularly harrowing show and i decided we'd fight fire with fire and start covering "imagine" by john lennon. so what do you think, when all this is going on? you've sold a million records, the girls scream your name....what the fuck is happening in your head? what's going on? we talked about wsriting on the road, how it's impossible. how there's no mental space to get to the place where you can possibly articulate an idea. he looked at me and told me that he'd never talked to another artist about this before. there's not that many of us, you know. you're writing this, performing that, whatever. the struggles are the same. i close my eyes, i see myself in the same way. i wish i had someone to talk to who has been through the same thing. maybe ben folds will call up randomly.

ryan learned "imagine" and we played it on stage with us the next night, and instead of people throwing water bottles at us, i think they were just really confused. i was hoping for water bottles. you win some, you lose some. at any rate, any irony was lost. note to self: this crowd doesn't yet "get" the irony thing. was it their age or their parents? brian and i would discuss this. will they learn to appreciate irony, at some later date? the answer at the end of the night was a pretty firm "no fucking way". a lot of these kids were attending a concert for the first time. for many it was the second. their first concert? the polls revealed: britney spears. i'm dead serious. so we covered "hit me baby" nightly as well, with brendon from panic on vocal. irony lost, but what good fun!! if the tour had continued, we were going to work on "living on a prayer". we tried to have fun. we did what we do. take lemons, make lemonade. take situation, make art.

two years ago, when we were touring europe and i was at my wits end, thinking that the band was going to break up, thinking that it was all over and that brian and I had had enough of each other for good, i found a bright spot in listening to avril lavigne's new record and deciding to make a fake video out of the song "together". you've seen the results (if you haven't: www.dresdendolls.com/music/karaoke/index.htm). it was truly cathartic. i don't think anyone really believes me when i say that. having a project like that to throw myself into saved me. the song, with all it's adolescent cheese and overproduction, gave me a wormhole back to 15-year-old self, the lonely confused one eating her lunch in the piano practice room.

this tour felt the same way. brian and i were getting along fine. we were bonded through our vehement frustration of a common enemy, the panic fans. we went out on stage every night ready for battle. but i turned to myself for a solution, and i foudn it in this: why not make a video with these guys? they're here, they're bored like we are, they're hilarious. so we did. we decided to film a home-movie video of the two bands trying to kill each other, spy vs. spy style, and the results will be forthcoming. they were all excellent actors. the label nitpicked us until we couldn't handle it anymore and the deal was broken. we aren't making a "real" video for our next single. backstabber. what's more real than this?, we keep asking. nothing.

a week before the tour ended, we got the call in seattle that ryan's dad had suddenly died. his only close family. he was an only child and his mom was out of the picture. our hearts sank, we sat in the bus and all looked at each other at a loss for words.

they canceled two shows. we almost didn't want to get the call that the shows were on, because we assumed that that would mean that ryan had been talked into coming back on tour when he should be at home, dealing. dealing with who, with what? ryan came back on tour after three days off, we finished up in california. the whole crew felt strange, their whole gang seemed out of sorts. no wonder. i took a long walk with ryan around the parking lot in anaheim. i felt like the whole world had been thrown at him, in all it's shitty ugliness, and what could i say? better to say nothing. we walked, saying nothing and occasionally something. we started at the hooters billboard, hoisted 5 stories in the air to reach the passing traffic from the highway. we waled to the bud light billboard, hoisted 5 stories in the air to reach the passing traffic from the highway. do you have anyone real to talk to? i will. i'll talk to you. when you're ready. don't lose me. i'm an ally. really. i hugged him and i went back to the bus, getting into my bunk with a heaviness i couldn't describe.

................

back in my apartment, i face the classic bullshit of myself and my expectations of myself. ben folds called last night. he emailed a week ago, raving about our records and asking if we would share the stage with him at the sydney opera house when we're down there in a few weeks. we attached like long lost siblings, the same sense of self-what, the same instrument hanging us up by it's strings. we talked for two hours, ranting and raving and laughing with each other about this treadmill of sings and recordings and touring that we've been on. he's an ally. he was in tomorrow, in adelaide. i was in today, in boston.

i wander into my bathroom and look at myself naked in the mirror. not bad, i say. you're fine. go to bed.

i put on my kimono, pretend to be romantic, sit down at my computer, pour an apple martini and read the short story one my best friends sent me weeks ago, i havent had time to read it on the road with all the mental clutter. i close my eyes halfway through, drag my finger along the frame of the screen which is warm and silver, and think to myself: now, enjoy yourself. it's quick. it's over so quickly.

.....................

every time i come home i feel the same stressful triptych, quadrupltych, of feelings and prioritues all in conflict with each other. be with your people. move forward, write music and make things. catch up and stay on top of managing the band. rest. amanda. the night i got back i went out with pope and the house and we drank and smoked cigarettes until i came tumbling into my apartment with becca. i threw on one of my favorite king missile discs and sang at the top of my lungs to "as i walked through queens". i still miss listening to music. i can't do it on tour. then we lip-synched together, creating impromptu videos to the entirety of "under my skin". thank god she knew most of the lyrics. becca had made a july mix for me and we listened to it but i was unable to pull myself away from the piano, playing along with every chord to every song by razorlight, the eels, the french kicks, and rilo kiley. becca! you're too hip for your own good. they're just chords!!! she can play piano the way i can't, i've seen her sitting at the piano and reading music. show-off. she was in drunken awe of my ability to sit and play chords by ear. we'll trade, i said. someday.

.....................

the sheet music book is finally out, it's released about two weeks into the tour and my mother emails. she's upset. she feels like i painted a not-so-flattering picture of her, my step-father and the beloved steinway i grew up on.
my mother was like any mother. how can i say this? i love her. but i saw her as a constant artistic obstacle as i was growing up. how could it be any other way? she gave birth to me, carried me in her womb for nine months. the buddha once said (i paraphrase) "we can carry our parents on our backs for our entire lives and never repay the debt". i feel the same way. my mother and my step-father gave me all the tools, for better or worse, that made everything possible. i love them more than i can possibly ever articulate. the teenager in me will always scream in defiance. but i've seen the alternative, and they're not on the dark side. they're on the side of the force. and for that, i will be eternally indebted. my mother brought me to music. she fed me music, by making me sing, even when i didn't want to. and it was that action that solidified the performer in me. mom, i know you're reading this. i love you. thank you.

.........................



today i woke up at one o'clock in the afternoon and went straight out to shoot filler for our homemade video with pope and brian. we went over to the steinway dealership in boston to shoot some footage of brian trying to heave a grand piano out of the window (onto, poetically, ryan's head). the guy who worked there offered to show us a secret, if we came back at 6. we went and shot on the beach, then went back, burning with curiosity. he let us in, the staff were gone. underneath the steinway store on boylston street, two stories undergroung, is the first concert hall in boston. it's decrepit, water-damaged and pink, and utterly beautiful. filled with dead pianos and filing cabinets, and seated about four hundred in it's day, including the balcony. poe and brian and i (and brianna and julian, who came along for the trip) wandered through it....doors leading into blackness, the floorboards ready to give out into the 6th circle of hell, mozart and beethoven and schubert all embalmed in the script at the top of the walls...and at the end of the theater, a little stage the size of a flatbed truck. why was the stage so small, i asked. piano concert hall, he answered, no need for more space. i know where we're doing our next photoshoot.

.................

two drops of peppermint oil in a bottle of water is fucking excellent. a massage thearpist showed me the way.

.................

i only have another six days at home. i want to make love to my tea kettle, i want to go to the museum of science and see the bodies exhibit. i want to drink apple martinis and smoke cigarettes and read books by bill bryson. but i feel like i should learn a new german song for our upcoming tour, finish the ideas that are in my head for songs that planted themselves there on the road, deal with the business of life and keep my interview appointments, clean the closet, take my boots in for repair. who will fucking tell me what to do? i need someone to tell me what my priorites are, because i sure as hell don't know. i want to go back to harvard square and stand there, painted white, for strangers to see. i bought my cambridge street perfomers' permit, on a whim, the last time i was home. maybe i will. i miss myself.

.................

i buy thom yorke's new solo album, the eraser. and read his interview in spin magazine.

"so, mr. yorke, you seem upset about the fact that the world is ending, that we're all about to die in a glorious combustion of greed and selfishness."

"yes."

ha!

i light another cigarette and keep typing.

...................

while on tour, i listen incessantly to the kaiser chiefs' record. it's excellent workout music. especially on the elliptical machine.

i light another cigarette.

...................

89 comments:

jonjon said...

i love you amanda

Provanity said...

you make my day.

wuirbqirbi said...

Amanda,

your posts are so human. this one almost made me cry, though i'm not sure why. humanity is fragile. it can be terrifying to the point of tears.

wishing you and brian well, hope to see you both in Down Under soon. :)

broken0wish said...

Amanda,

You could always stand in Federation Square in Melbourne in a month or so. Strangers will pass you by. I'll pass you by, in awe.

ainsley said...

Sorry the panic fans were such assholes to you guys. You and Brian, of all people, didn't deserve one bit of the panic crowd's bullshit. The old piano concert hall sounds incredible! I wish there were some places like that down in here in Texas. We have a gay cowboy club downtown..but that's not really the same. I would like to thank you for the song book. It's phenomenal, I adore it. It lives on the music stand of my beginner's five octave keyboard. It is very happy there.

I wish you and Brian the best of luck with all the stuff you guys have going on right now.

Love,
Ainsley

Stacy without the e said...

You are amazing. I wish I was able to express myself as freely and beautifully as you can. I'm so glad I found your music.

I am counting down the minutes until you and Brian come to Sydney.

All the best,
Stacy

Skye said...

hearing about your artistic flings and projects is such an inspiration! thank you thank you for writing this!

it's just me, diana. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
it's just me, diana. said...

amanda, i could post the generic reply and say that I love you and treasure your writing. Or not, I can just tell you that in all my pre-pubescent years of living, it had just dawned on me recently that that was you. I never realized before that you were the living statue in harvard square. now little me, a good 5 years ago would walk by in complete awe. I would watch you for a little and then my parents would drag me away. It wasn't until I hit my teenage years that I realized it was you. Now, whenever I walk around harvard square.. a little part of me still looks out for the 6-foot-bride. Even though shes out being a rockstar.

Good luck on the rest of the tour. And the upcoming one.

Irene said...

I'm here, with my arms open.

By the way, your mother (from what I gather) is instinctively much like my mother and I almost gasped when I read, "...artistic obstacle.." I wouldn't put it any other way...

xoxo
Irene

i blame history said...

one of the most beautiful posts yet, amanda. i mean that.

i guess i was one of the lucky few to have nothing short of an incredible experience with what i saw on this tour. from my point of view, columbus was on fire. it was absolutely electrifying and i will never, ever forget that night.

sometimes i need something to wake me from weeks of shutting myself out of everything, sleeping days away, and everything that comes along with that. i would just like to thank you for reminding me today that there is a whole lot more going on out there than what goes through my head. so, thank you.

you are a beautiful person.

Gavia said...

It is so awesome your music is reaching out to more people. Concerts are so much more interesting when the audience is made up of a a wide variety of people. The only bad thing is the fact that now your gigs sell out so quickly. I missed tickets for the spiegeltent at the Edinburgh fringe! Woe. But still, maybe you'll come again next year?

xxx Gavia.

Morgan bat Chava said...

Someone on one of the Panic! communities actually posted this... partially cause it had to do with P! but mostly cause it had to do with you, and also because it had to do with people I suppose.

Trust me, as a real fan of music, the Panic! fans are our enemies too. But I suppose you understand that.

I could say a lot to this, and I wanted to say a lot to you when I saw you in Indianapolis, but there just isnt/wasnt the time or the space.

I did speak to Katie Kay at Lollapalooza about you guys, she said she'd tell you, but I dont expect her to remember or anything.

I think the best show I saw you guys do was at Summerfest, because I think you were given a whole half hour, or something... it seemed longer. I could only see you for half of it, because of all the people on the benches, although plenty of them had hissy fits and sat down (good riddence).

I almost had the shakes when you did White Rabbit... so awesome. I was mesmerized by your live show, I finally understood what all my friends were raving about when they spoke of you guys.

So yeah, a bunch of teenie bopper girls who wouldnt know good music if it tittyslaped them in the face had temper tantrums because you guys took up valuable time screaming at boys that they'll never know...

... you won a fan in me, and Im sure I cant be the only one.

I'll see you next time you're in Illinois. I'll bring my friends too.

Nixx said...

Amanda, I feel almost obligated (as a Panic! fan AND a Dolls fan) to apologize for the way you and Brian were treated throughout the majority of the tour. It upsets me greatly that the ignorant bunch managed to make the most horrible first impression, therefore making us all look that way. But I promise, some of us aren't so bad, and after reading several concert reviews I saw that you guys won over a hell of a lot of new fans.

I'm also in awe of how you dealt with Ryan. I'm so glad that you two could connect like that, and that he had such amazing and supportive people by his side after his father passed away. You have such a way with words, so I am not at all surprised that he was able to talk to you and that you could understand one another so well.

I really hope to see you and Brian back in Toronto soon, because I was blown away when you played here in July.

-Nicole

fancyjane said...

amanda,
long time reader of your blog, first time commenter! pop!

i was lucky enough to see Fuck the Back row in LA on the last night of the tour. i felt so happy to be there with you guys, celebrating art and life and drinking my very expensive drink. it was beautiful. thank you for doing it.

also, if you're getting into the peppermint oil can i Please tell you something i've never told anyone: i make my own mouthwash. fill a glass bottle with water, add 6-10 drops of peppermint oil, 6 drops tea tree oil and shake it up. sometimes i also add clove oil.
oh and go see the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I just saw it and it made me cry and laugh which is exactly what i needed. maybe you do too.
sorry this is so long.

fancyjane said...

amanda,
long time reader of your blog, first time commenter! pop!

i was lucky enough to see Fuck the Back row in LA on the last night of the tour. i felt so happy to be there with you guys, celebrating art and life and drinking my very expensive drink. it was beautiful. thank you for doing it.

also, if you're getting into the peppermint oil can i Please tell you something i've never told anyone: i make my own mouthwash. fill a glass bottle with water, add 6-10 drops of peppermint oil, 6 drops tea tree oil and shake it up. sometimes i also add clove oil.
oh and go see the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I just saw it and it made me cry and laugh which is exactly what i needed. maybe you do too.
sorry this is so long.

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

A . . . I swear, my heart swells w/ love for thee. Truly . . .

You make life bearable, and I connect w/ your situations, though we live two very, VERY different lives . . .

Life's been, well . . . imagine getting hit by a truck full of Christian scientist and then having them explain to you that it was God's work and that if you just believe, all will be well, and all will be better, and thinking to yourself: hey, ya know, fuck, ouch, this hurts . . . they're right; they're wrong! Fuck it all . . .

And in the middle of it all, lying on the ground as an image of Christ glides across the gray-hued sky, he, laughing and riding a bicycle, followed by Satan on a pogo stick, you giggle. You mentally throw your hands up in the air, having lost the capacity to actually move your hands, and say 'fine . . . sod off.'

And you think about how you love life with all its sadistic irony . . .

Irony's a good thing. Don't worry about the kids. Some of the fans will grow up, mature, undersatnd what irony and satire are.

Infinite Love to you and B . . .

- Frankie

jimmycity said...

Amanda,

You continue to stun and amaze me. That you are willing to sit down and blog about what you are going through, in a voice that makes each of us feel like we're your bestest friends, is a gift that I cherish.

I've begun singing "Sing" when I get together with friends and the old guitar gets passed around. For what it's worth, I follow it with NIN's "Hurt" (by way of The Man in Black), and my friends are as captivated with your music as I am. You said it: "friend through friend, word by mouth".

All the best to you and Brian!

June Miller said...

I can guarantee those people you meet want to spend as much time with you as you do them.

Have you ever added a bit of lemon juice to water? That's the only way I drink it, pretty much.

I sometimes get scared when I see how much you guys tour. Please don't die of exhaustion. I'm glad to see y'all are coming back to San Francisco, though. I'll be sure to say hello, again, though I won't be surprised if you can't remember me. It happens.

I hope the both of you rest well, while you can.

sisky said...

Amanda,

So now I've had 'backstabber' on repeat for 2 days or so, and each time it's like I learn more, appreciate now, love more

Thank you for the music. I was in the very front row, right in the middle of the Los Angeles tour. I caught Brian's drumstick. I sang along. I jumped up and down. I ached to be able to hug you, to maybe shake Brian's hand. Thank you for the oppurtunity to witness something magical and amazing, and heart-wrenching. The solos are amazing. Panic fans, for the most part, are not.

You two are amazing.

Andrew Schlaack said...

I just wish I could say something interesting, and not something that's already been brought up already.

So I'll just say that A and B can get a somewhat decent meal on me if they want it next time I see 'em. Pizza every night can't be too fun. ;)

Emmalee said...

I'm eighteen years old, I've only been to one of your concerts (which makes my heart ache, but it's only so far) and your words are beautiful. Thank you. You have aided in saving my youth.

Joshua said...

Jawohl! I got through to you! Another Brecht song! Or something else auf Deutsch. You could do Surabaya Johnny! Or even the prologue from Die Sieben Todsuenden! You could put ballerina slippers on Brian and make him play Anna II. Or do an original song in German. Whatever you do, play it in Toronto :). I would die happy.

Sorry. I am addicted to Brecht. I have tried to bottle my enthusiasm to no avail.

You've helped to inspire me to start a new artistic project.

Joshua

kebarb said...

your writing is beautiful, inspirational and so insanely addictive.
Have you considered a novel?

I hope that in the future, your tours allow you to encounter people open minded and willing to embrace foriegn music wholeheatedly.


You are inspirational to those who you don't even know you effect.

Thank you for touring incessantly and allowing the world to be inspired.

andrea said...

ya know, I'd never normally say this but, Amanda, go ahead and have another cigarette and just enjoy it. You've earned it in my opinion. I went to FTBR, I went to Panic!, and I must say that everytime I see you two live I just feel a little more comfortable with myself. Your music makes me feel safe and connected to something. Thank you for that, sincerely.

The songbook is truely a work of art. I will cherish it until it's worn, unreadable, and beyond.

and you should tell brian that anyone who screamed "you suck" is really just green with envy. there's no other explanation.

all my love,
andrea

Vi said...

Amanda,

I wrote a song for you. And I'm finally just going to post it. I'm fucking nervous, really nervous of what you might think. I'm way too used to every one in this world assuming the worst and I hope you don't help that reality come any more alive.

The song is more a poem as I haven't put it to music, and I don't know if I will. It all depends on wheather or not you permit it as the song is about you, and for you.

It might seem arrogant, assumeing, despairing... But then I think of your music. It's not much different it how it may 'seem'. I'm really not sure what impression you will get but it will seem something it wasn't intended, I imagine, to some if not most people. You may be different. You might understand it. Suddenly I feel hopeful. And I can only hope you can find the original love in which this poem was written.

My Dear Amanda,

She watches her dreams unravel in front of her,
Her ideas, her framework, her plan all unravelling, too.
But Amanda, it was you.
What now am I to do with my life?

On one side of the globe there is a girl.
It is me, and I'm tired,
But wired awake because I'm finally inspired,
Once again.

And on the other side of the globe there is a girl.
And it is you. And she is tired,
But wired awake because she has already been hired,
By the zoo.

You animal, you.

I don't know what they're telling ya',
Those people there inside that zoo,
But you're wounded,
And they can't cure it.

There is no cure for you.
You are so beautifully flawed that not even death could harm you.
Remedied, you're no good to me Amanda.
She keeps on doing what she does because...
Well, enough of because.

Don't be afraid, Amanda.
You don't have to rhyme all the time.
Don't feel your writing is going to suffer,
Because you're happy.

You're happy, (you might be) you're happier than me,
You're happy, (you might be happy) you're doing more than I am,
You're living the dream,
So don't seem... so, so sad.

A person bare-faced will tell you a lie,
But a person in a mask will be truthful.
I've got something to say,
If you want the advice;
Mask or no mask the truth,
Is in the eyes.
And you can't put a mask over dead eyes,
Or else you find yourself blinded.
And blind people are easy,
They're easy to see.
And you are not one of them,
Not entirely.

Don't feel alone, Amanda.
Don't be too sensitive to the light.
I'm not going to say to stop what you're doing,
You make your choices just fine, girl.

I understand.

I don't do this for you,
But I would be your muse,
You are not as mad as you may seem.
You are not as sad as you may be.

You are not your Mom.
You are not your Dad.
You are not your body.

Don't be hard on yourself, dear Amanda,
You are beautifully flawed.
Just think of all the blind, and the fragile,
The impressionable.

My dear girl,
It appears that,
You are like God!

fin.

Not my best poetry, but I couldn't believe you when I found you. If I showed you a picture of my lover and I this Hallowe'en you would laugh. We're esentially dressed up as you and Brian, but with third eyes. Funnily enough, I hadn't heard of you yet. And I had made plans to take over (to effect) the world of music, as you have in a major way, him and I. I had considdered the painting of the faces, hense why I say 'what am I to do now with my life?', though that is more for sake of conveying a feeling that was easily delt with and which I have moved on from, continuing to forge new plans.

I would like to explain my poem a little more. Some was based on a magazine article, your feelings on the tours being more draining than sinpiring, and I wondered if you were happy, could you write well? Then I was told some one read the you were indeed, feeling happy about your current state in life in many ways, and that it was affecting your attempts at new songwriting. I'm not sure if any of it is true, even what I read with my own eyes, but I can imagine the versatility of emotion going on in your mind.

I hope you liked it.

i'm still nervous, and all i want to do is inspire you to continue. To look upwards.

"Repugnant is a creature who turn an eye from Heaven conscious of his fleeting time here." - Tool.


And I'm not a God damned Christian.

Try reading books in the bus. The books that inspire you the MOST to help alleviate the feeling of a cage. Use the Yoga you enjoy practicing as psychological Ritual to transform the cage into a boundary between you and the outsiders who can't feel you; make it your sanctuary. Decorate it, even more as I imagine you have already. At least it has A.C.. Shit, I hope it has air conditioning!!

You won't always be this same bird which you are now, but you will always have wings.

Take it easy Sister,

Vi.

Gina said...

Amanda,

My friend Alanna and I were at the last FTBR show in L.A. last Wednesday. We asked for autographs after the show, which you both graciously gave, and Alanna gave you "a hug for success". You were so, so tired...Brian was very sweet in what he said to me, thanking me for thanking him. I just want to say thank you to you and Brian for being personal--signing autographs and hanging with the fans a little bit, even though you were both toast (from doing two shows back-to-back). It means so much to be able to tell you in person how much your music influences me, because it does, in such a huge way. So--big Thank You and much respect to you for doing that.

The show was just amazing! Loved your new songs and renditions of the soundtrack songs, especially "Mother". All the other acts and films were fantastic, too--a lovely evening! I hope you are able to do it again next year.

Glad you're able to be HOME now! Must be delicious...(:

Take care,
-Gina

Elsie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Elsie said...

yoo will never ever read this. Watch me (or read, or not read) not care. Life soo hysterically pathetic it makes me laugh. Life is so awkward it ends up being a mush of very very tragicand hysterical moments. so go pour yourself an alcoholic beverage,pick up a paper, step on a cockroach, and laugh hysterically at the fact most of america is dumnb and brainless (including the dumb liar writing this comment.). Tehe life sucks! yay! At least it's not boring...

Alyssa said...

Thank you.
It's amazing that we can sit and type our lives out to complete strangers...and sometimes it doesn't feel like they are complete strangers, you know?
Your writing is so magically poetic and inspiring. Thank you.

BeautifulLoser said...

Amanda,
I have to tell you something
something very personal
unfortunately it must be made public due to circumstances i cannot control
i am sitting here watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin but I am distracted.
you need some hot lady love
you know it
i know it
lets do it
lights on
lights off
i dont care
if you ever have a moment of desperation come to cleveland
i will pick you up at the airport
-Jen

BeautifulLoser said...

Amanda,
I have to tell you something
something very personal
unfortunately it must be made public due to circumstances i cannot control
i am sitting here watching The 40-Year-Old Virgin but I am distracted.
you need some hot lady love
you know it
i know it
lets do it
lights on
lights off
i dont care
if you ever have a moment of desperation come to cleveland
i will pick you up at the airport
-Jen

UKAnthony said...

hang on a minute, that wasn't in haiku!! any chance of FTBR coming over to the UK?
please don't pull out of reading festival again, and see you guys at the roundhouse in november!

emmbob said...

I love that you love Radiohead too.

Someone else said this blog made them want to cry... I felt it too and I'm not sure why either.

cavedweller73 said...

Thanks so much to you and Brian for meeting my friend and I at the St. Louis FTBR show! We're fellow musicians and allies as well. We can't wait to see you guys play there again in Oct.....at least the audience will be older, more open-minded...and dare I say, respectful! Lots of love to you both!
Robert

Olivia said...

Amanda,

Everytime I read your blog, I'm astonished. I had on your every word. I feel a sort of storm build up in me that wants to break lose with a torrent of tears and screaming and frustration and every other possible emotion and noise.

I almost lost it right in the beginning where you mentioned people yelling "you suck" to Brian. Poor Brian. It's so hard to do something you're so proud of and that you throw yourself into, just to hear other people yell horrible things.

I've noticed in almost if not every blog entry, you seem so tired and fed up with the world. But you keep going on, you keep striving. You have no idea how much I envy you because of that. I can't do it anymore. I just started seeing a therapist and I will be seeing a psychiatrist for the first time on Tuesday to be evaluated. I haven't told anyone, but I don't even want to go to college. I haven't signed up, I haven't talked to a counsler, I haven't even taken my fucking placement test because I don't want to go, and classes start on the 30th. I can't do this anymore, and I've only just turned 18. But what I'm getting at here is tht whenever I read your blog, or listen to your music, I know someone else out there understands, and with everything going on over here, it feel slike a miricle.

By the way, I got the song book for my birthday last month. I absolutely adore it. However, I'm also pretty limited with sight-reading piano music. I've been writing in the notes. I also made three signs for Treble Clef, Alto Clef, and Bass Clef. However, I need one of those axronyms(or whoever it's spelled) to remember the Bass clef. So, for the lines, this is what I cam up with:
A round
F uck
D on't
B oys
G ood

I hung it in my basement next to my keyboard. My parents are mad. XD


My love and regards to you and Brian. You two are doing great art and it has not gone unappriciated. Many of us love you very much.

~Olivia~

Natalie Rose said...

I get that way too, where I just get so overwhelmed that I need someone to tell me what my priorities are. Is it work? Is it health? It is friends and family?

Well, friends and family usually win for me. But I still think I need to work harder at keeping up ties, especially since I know they won't call me or write to me... so I guess it's suddenly my job. They're too busy, but I'm not or I oughtn' be. My Mom says whenever she calls me up at school, it sounds like I'm always catching a bus.

So, health and work get to fight to the death. Work usually wins except for those nights when I'm so confused as to what I ought be doing I just burst into tears, pass out on my textbooks, wake up with a crink in my neck and think-- something's gotta change.

I'm so afriad that everyone and everything else is growing and changing and for some reason I'm stagnant.

But I suppose it can't hurt, really, to have a friend either take you by the hand or give you a good, swift kick in the butt in the right direction.

shelley said...

against my better judgement, i caught your show with panic! in philly in june. after reading your posts about the "less-than-stellar panic fans" i became nervous. i sang and danced along with you guys and i made faces at all the little kids staring at me. it wasn't too bad....until some snotty 18-year-old asked me "Are you into THIS band?" while i kept the feelings of resentment in check for asking such an asinine question (i WAS singing and dancing, after all), i replied "yes, VERY much"....to which the girl replied "well, then maybe you can tell me if that's a girl or a guy (meaning you, amanda). after a few seconds of stunned silence (she was actually serious in her inquiry) i composed myself, resisted the urge to choke her, and replied "amanda is most definitely a woman....and quite a brilliant one at that...you should really listen to what this band is doing and saying". she thanked me and skipped off to continue snapping her gum and twirling her hair for the rest of your set.
my heart sank.
i wanted to leave.
i wanted to scream at the clones for being so close-minded and predictable.
i vowed that when my two children were old enough to attend shows, i would patiently school them in "proper concert etiquette" (or "proper HUMAN etiquette"....pretty much the same thing, in my eyes) and how hearing and listening are NOT the same thing.
so when panic! took the stage i moved to the fringes of the crowd...i was discouraged and was losing my ability to listen. But lo and behold, much to my surprise, there were you and brian, sitting under the air-conditioned tent, signing autographs.
OH JOY UPON JOY!
so many things that i wanted to say but couldn't. i wanted to apologize for the crap you were having to endure. i wanted to tell you how much some of us appreciate what you're doing and how much you've inspired me, in particular. alas, the proverbial cat had my tongue, so all i could muster was "thankyouthankyouthankyou". how lame. my first true brush with genius and that's all i could say? sheesh!
needless to say, i watched the rest of the concert (too bad panic!has such yucky fans...they put on a wonderful show!) and as i was filing out with the children i saw a pre-teen boy with a dresden dolls shirt on....and my faith was restored.
one convert at a time.

Leslie said...

I can't really comment because I only read half of the first paragraph and I'm getting rushed out of a small coffee shop in Sante Fe (it's a wonderful artsy town with amazing food. You should go if you never have) and I won't have internet access for a while.

But, let me just tell you that there ARE people out their that appreciate you touring and understand that it might not be so fantastic for you, but at the same time understand that what you do up their on stage (no matter who follows you on stage) is something beyond beautiful. So, thank you.
This tour has let me see you guys live twice and they were seriously the most amazing experiences of my life.

Love,

Leslie

Mira Stuart said...

why are there no shows in texas?? have i missed them? i live in poverty and my social contact is limited. live shows keep me going. please come to texas!

Ramsey said...

I'm glad you are refreshed.
I hope you get a chance to check out the contact the band email/apology i sent.

Sugar Rush said...

panic at the stage...i performed last sunday (the 6th i think, or so), it was my singing academy's presentation. I sang a Blondie song solo (one way or another...how original), the only one i was allowed to sing, i wanted to sing Missed Me, but i was told it was too unknown by Chilean people... Today i was told by my dancing teacher there that in my academy we were built to be products. products who create a lot of money and work for a lot of people.

Artists are products...do you consider yourself a product? Do you wanted to sing because you wanted to generate money and work?

should i retire or try not to listen to that and only pay attention to my singing lessons?

I know it's VERY HARD FOR YOU TO ANSWER but


I NEED YOUR ADVICE

I don't know why, but i feel so lost right now. I don't want to leave music aside, but I don't want to be only a product...just a product...just money...¿or is that all there is to music? ¡¡NOT TO ME!! WHERE'S THE FEELING?? WHERE'S EVERYTHING I FEEL WHEN YOU SING TO ME?? WHERE'S WHAT I PUT IN THE SONGS I WRITE??

DOES IT COUNT TO ANYONE ELSE THAN ME???

my idea of music used to keep my going...now i just feel so lost, i feel these ideas of music i've always had since i was a child where delusions and reality was far away from mine.

please
try to answer me


and rest.

i still love you.

and you still make me feel a lot when you sing to me and when brian sticks his drumsticks in my weak heart .__.

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

Friends . . . for once I am not posting to A. You all truly are remarkable, and I love this community we share . . .

Just the other day, I received a random post on my blof from someone who must have ran across me on here, for they are from Germany (I know you Germans love the D-Dolls . . . ) and it touched me.


Vilven Nevalin . . . you're lyrics had so much truth in them. Perhaps not the best poetry, but what we remeber and what really reaches the spirit (if you believe in the soul and other such schiznit)is not the prolix crap, but the simple words that cut to one's core. Thank you for sharing . . .

- F

Jessica said...

Amanda,

You don't need to worry about the Panic Fan's opinions. Let me tell you something, my friends and i, whom are fans of yours and have seen you live and know your potential, think that patd! is a joke, everytime it comes on the radio we sing it at the top of our lungs not even believing that people acctually like this. The Fans are a joke. It's the "new-cool-thing" to wear makup, and girl pants, and tak pictures of yourself in a mirror for your myspace. and sadly, that music comes along with the generation.


I don't think you should take it personally, they can't help it.


-Jessica.

Joshua said...

In response to Sirena:

Your teacher's comment is too cynical. She thinks of you as merely a voice, a high fidelity audio output device. This is not the concept of artistic expression you should adopt as your own! If you are truly serious about believing this, than you are merely submitting to this concept. No mere product could create art.

In the context of a business, Amanda could be viewed as a product. To her record label, she is. But her record label, to her, serves the same fundamentally superficial purpose. To her fans, she is not a product, we get something from her that could not be mass marketed. When one listens to it, they get something deeply personal from it.

The relationship between the artist and the audience is an important one, and it is often lost by the passage of time (ie: the artist's death). The archetypal artist's death, although a sad truth, proves something great about art. The immortality that one can obtain through expression is only granted to those who deserve it. A product could never achieve such fame. So if you feel you are a product, do something about it!

Irene said...

My friend who is a Panic! fan and I (of course, a doll head) had a long talk about the Panic! fans.

I put her in a head lock until she appologized.



Haha..
not really.

Eden27 said...

Hey Amanda
Just for the record
I am a Panic fan, and also a sixteen year old girl, and I'm going to see them in Brixton.
Cause I knew you were supporting them, I downloaded some of your music.
I bought Yes Virginia a while ago
Loved it. Love it. Fucking love your music!!!! I'm more excited about seeing you than Panic now, although I still like them.
And I'm incredibly sorry about my fellow Panic fans, please accept my apologies on their behalf.
Somebody should whack them repeatedly for ignoring you and Brian like that and generally acting like the worst cliché of the myspace generation.
But on Tuesday 24th October, there will be a short girl yelling "Amanda you are my fucking idol!!!!" at you, and singing along with everything.
Some good has come of you supporting Panic, it's let me discover some of the most powerful, eloquent, intelligent, funny, beautiful music I've ever heard.
Thanks so much.
See you in October,
EDEN

Mike said...

Do you know how to swing dance?

If so, let's get married. No, seriously.

Just think about it...

Mike

Gina said...

Joshua,
Regarding art and product: well-said!

evilforestgnome said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
evilforestgnome said...

brian is an amazing drummer. but you know that already. it's fucked up that the panic fans don't see it as well.

sexygoddess1971 said...

Finally I will be getting the chance to see you guys at the Corner Hotel in Melbourne the first night you play there. Can you believe the tix sold out in the first day. I think you must have a lot of fans Down Under and Melbourne is definately the place to be for great live music.

Anyway, I hope to get the chance to chat with you if you have the time. I'll be the older chick right up the front I hope.

XXX

Fred said...

Dear Amanda & Brian,

I am a French guy living in Tokyo (Japan) and am so delighted that my Japanese girlfriend and I got tickets for your (first?) show in Tokyo on September 7th!
Today we spent the best part of the day wandering through the streets of "Harajuku" and "SHIBUYA" (you spoke about it in your diary) searching for stuff to wear at the show. We will dress as......your clones! But I guess it's no surprise :-)
We discovered your music a couple of weeks ago, and are truly touched by it! As my honey says, even though she barely understands the lyrics, not to say the "meaning between the lines", it doesn't matter as your music & voice is so much touching and deeply impresses her. I guess it is the same for many of your Japanese audience. I guess they will listen religiously to the show and THEY WILL CERTAINLY NOT throw bottles at you! :-)

With lots of love,

Fred & Lui (near Tokyo)

la di dah said...

This post reminds me of the song 'karma police' by radiohead, when he starts singing
'for a minute there i lost myself
i lost myself
i lost myself'
and so on.
pretty sad really :(

You'll be in edinburgh next week or so, and i have a mission to get your attention, and Brians if hes about, offer you a cigarette and teach you to play with 'devil sticks'.

or just hug you and stutter my words.

either way, let the festival lead you into a world of artistic scribbles and music.

And Yes. The world is ugly and thrown at people who don't deserve it. Karma my arse.

love.

Sugar Rush said...

i had already posted a thank you for joshua on my own blog but I will post it here too

thank you so very much for your response...you are totally right and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels something when listening to music...if i continue this road i'll NOT be considered a product by myself...i guess that's what matters.

Socrates Volkova said...

Hello Dearest!

*glomps you* you wonderful girl, you and all your glorious splendor!!

Its just the way the world belongs to be, yes it is....

Egad, did that xtc just JUMP UP MY NOSE?!!? NOOOOOOOO!!! lol, no just kidding now, no need to worry.. nyah.

your music is extremely pleasing to the mind and ears, yes it is.

Do you read your comments? NO? ah well....*smiles* *is listening to Necissary Evil right now* NYAH....zeik heil....no jk. wa, nas ne dagonait?

Will you ever come to Maine? Maine is a state of nascar hicks? yes, I know it is. but still I live here regretfully and would like to see one of your shows. You would rather swallow flying lead then come to maine? how sad *cries*

uhhh.....can....you....visit my blog? Oh how that would be and honor! Such a great honor!! www.angelsofrebellion.blogspot.com


arigato, dear

Socrates Volkova said...

UGH! my friend is OBSESSED with panic @ the disco. I feel that i should like them, or people WANT me to like them in order for me to hold up the stupid "emo" label that has been slapped upon me but you guys are far better than panic at ze disco....ugh or Afi. The lyrics, the sound. Panic@Zedisco seems sort of cliche, you guys are like a....like a....umm.... Kinda like seeing the night sky for the first time on a clear night in the country, after being raised in the city all your life. *smiles* sorry -.-'

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

Ok, folks and kiddos . . . I'm going to play devil's adovacate, here!

Let me remind you all of the wonderful blogs and internet bashing of our ever beloved band, The DD . . .

Now, I personally feel that P@TD is a decent band compared to the other bunk played on the radio, and that they do have their own style, though it's still not brillant. A tad bit between the points of mediocrity and decent music. Still, the tunes are catchy enough I get them caught in my head.

I think it's time we let go of the whole Panic bashing and move on. Save it for another spot . . . like, maybe set up a Panic @ The Disco Hate Blog. Hehe.

- F

Wolf said...

*registers for blogger so she can comment*

I thought about going to the show up at the Hampton Casino. I had seen you in Albany while I was at school (Egg is a sucky venue, but the show was amazing), and I really wanted to go again. I was, however, too slow (was nervous about going alone) and the show sold out. Perhaps it's for the best, but I didn't think there would be many overlapping fans and I wanted to show support.

I was, actually, going to leave before Panic started (no offence to them, but I don't care for their music). Anyways, I still wish I had gone. Sounds like you guys needed some support there.

scribbles said...

Sorry about the panic fans, i saw u guys at the panic show in toronto and wished they had been more into it cuz i had been looking forward to seeing u guys for a while. Good luck with the rest of the tour, you and Brian rock dispite the water bottles thrown by angry 14 year olds. I hope Ryan feels better.

Leslie said...

I understood the irony of hit me baby one more time. I laughed my ass off and danced around singing.

Oh my amanda. The thought of you and ben folds having a conversation nearly made me orgasm. And the idea of you guys on stage brought tears to my eyes.

You
(and brian)
and
Ben Folds
(and ben folds five)

Have been my escapes from life for the past year. You guys have gotten me through so much I can't even describe.

And the mention of ben folds actually reminds me that right about now, a year ago, was when I started listening to him.

I kind of want to have a ceremonial celebration to commemorate my one year anniversary with a man I never met.



Oh and if you don't listen to anything else I say ever in any of my comments...listen to this:


Read the book House of Leaves


Love,

Leslie

generic said...

Don't even bother when it comes to the Panic! kids. Emos can be real bitches when they're not given Starbucks and Taco Bell every so often. My friends and I tried our damndest to see you guys in DC and other places close by, with plans to be in full mime attire, but the tickets sold out before we could process that they could sell out so fast. We would've given those hecklers a good talk to. And a smack on the back of the head.

And oh, your Britney Spears first concert was fun for me, as I'm ashamed to say that was mine. But, in my defense, I had only turned ten five days before and converted to The Real Music quickly. The day after my step-dad put on some Black Sabbath and sat me down with "Anthem" by Ayn Rand. I read it straight through in that sitting and when I was done I sat there with a gaping jaw and yelled "THANK YOU!" at the top of my lungs at him.

Cut to when my friends and I saw you guys in Philadelphia a while back for my fourth concert experience and for a moment you were all but a foot away from us and we were frozen in awe. It's nice to read your entries because it proves you're not an asshole like the lot of other "musicians" and when we say we relate to your songs and you in general we're not being delusional.

Thank you.

Addie said...

Dear Amanda,

I was at one of the panic! concerts in indiana. I was excited about the tour because i was a fan of you guys and panic! i planned a whole trip around it. flying up from san antonio to see the concert with my friend who spends the summer in indiana with her dad. i hadn't really heard the hush sound but waited patiently until you came on. but apparently other panic! fans couldn't do the same for you. I was just appalled at their behavior and earned quite a few catty remarks when i told them to kindly shut the fuck up. I'm a huge fan of yours and panic!'s. and though i still like panic! i now hate about 90% of their fans because of the way they treated you.

huge fan and sympathizer,

kristin

Addie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Addie said...

Dear Amanda,

I was at one of the panic! concerts in indiana. I was excited about the tour because i was a fan of you guys and panic! i planned a whole trip around it. flying up from san antonio to see the concert with my friend who spends the summer in indiana with her dad. i hadn't really heard the hush sound but waited patiently until you came on. but apparently other panic! fans couldn't do the same for you. I was just appalled at their behavior and earned quite a few catty remarks when i told them to kindly shut the fuck up. I'm a huge fan of yours and panic!'s. and though i still like panic! i now hate about 90% of their fans because of the way they treated you.

huge fan and sympathizer,

addie

patience said...

to amanda:

for all i know of it, your life seems to me like the most romantic, fantastic thing in the world. from a frustrated, confused and bored teen, i feel like a wretched ingrate when i say i HATE SUBURBS AND NICE SCHOOLS AND MY NICE STUPID LIFE.

thank you, and brian, for the music and the fantasy.

Clem said...

"dead and dying people were trampled, I walked over an old man, I walked over children, everyone was losing everyone, the bombs were like a waterfall, I ran through the streets, from cellar to cellar, and saw terrible things: legs and necks, I saw a woman whose blond hair and green dress were on fire, running with a silent baby in her arms, I saw humans melted into thick pools of liquid, three or four feet deep in places, I saw bodies crackling likes embers, laughing, and the reamins of masses of people who had tried to escape the firestorm by jumping head first into the lakes and ponds, the parts of their bodies that were submerged in the water were still intact, while the parts that protruded above the water were charred be yond recognition, the bombs kept falling, purple, orange and white, I kep running, my hands kept bleeding, through the sounds of collapsing buildings I heard the roar of the baby's silence. I passed the zoo, the cages had be ripped open, everything was everywhere, dazed animals cried in pain and confusion..."

It's a part from a book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. It's man running through Dresden during wwii as it was being bombed. I know you're going to Germany soon and if you'll be passing through Dresden at anytime, I think it'd be a great book to bring along. It's a short and incredibly strong part of the book. You can read history books and research history about the bombing but I don't hink anyone could ever understand until it's told from a personal point of view.

Enjoy your life right now. Breath, hold it, and let it out.

I think you and Brian, more so than anyone, truely deserve a break.

sven said...

wish I had the piano book. Haha Even if I did get it though, it would take me forever to learn the songs-
"I can play piano but I never learned to read..."
ps... cigarettes = sanity
I concure...
"take situation, make art"
good advice...

sven said...

by the by. I would like to offer my apologies as well for the way people act sometimes. I know it may not be my place but I feel it to be said anyway.
I was unable to attend the show but my friend Kyle called me while the band was performing "sex changes". It was mad brilliant and truely an inspiration for me to continue putting musical efforts into piano and song composition...sometimes it feels easier to just give up on it all. yet then I just listen to your albums and they are sort of an inspiration, driving me that much more to put more effort into my music.
thanks for being an inspiration.

rebis0ne said...

I wonder if anyone can escape becoming main-players in a tragedy without becoming the villain?

without being hurt by what they do well ?

how can one live and die unremarkably ?

ashlee said...

1. they scream like that because they can't hear you. they can't hear most things.

2. i'm writing you a book. i feel i should warn you.

3. whooooa, we're half way there.

crazyjaneski said...

Amanda, you are a beacon, and I love you. Thank you for your beautiful work.

Please tell Brian I love him, too, and that, since he is the best drummer I have ever seen, and on top of that, a truly remarkable performer who totally redefines the entire usually-torturous notion of a drum solo -- someone whose amazing sensitivity, sharp intelligence, and raw power as both a musician and a performer are literally staggering, and are, in my humble opinion, the special ingredients that make The Dresden Dolls more than just a girl in pain at the paino (not that the right girl can't make that RULE, and not that you aren't totally that girl, but you know what I mean... I hope...), only a total fucking retard could possibly scream "YOU SUCK" at him.

If I were there, I'd be screaming "take off your clothes!" because he's sexy as fuck, too.

Yes, I am 35 years old.

EmoKidFromHell said...

Sorry That Some Panic Fans Are Assholes But I Can Assure You I'm Not. A Panic Fan Yes And Asshole No. Your Posts Are So Human. I Can Relate To Them. Erm....This Feels Strange Talking To People Against Panic Fans...//..&&

mdhatter said...

Brian is the second best drummer I have seen play live in my 15 years of seeing 'rock shows', and, by chance, you're the second best pianist.

all my opinions, you might just be the best yet. Hang tight, we love you.

Mephistopheles said...

I like chords.

I can't believe you're finally coming to Perth 3 weeks before I'll be old enough to see you! Curse it all.

Well... I'll still have chords.

gemma_ said...

i do love reading your blog, amanda. its just... so real. :)

we seen you at regina spektor last night... you asked us where the entrance was... we were so speechless that you were there, all we could do was nod!

it was weird as we were just talking about your last gig in edinburgh at the time you walked past!

im sitting listening to the dresden dolls right now... i feel in my own little world. im so happy.. after being at such an amazing show last night to seeing my favourite band walk past me and on the same day as getting tickets to youre show in edinburgh tomorrow that we thought was sold out!

okay so this is getting long and i only wanted to say that i think you are beautiful. and i look forward to seeing you tomorrow.. i know itll be an awesome night :)

Adam7464 said...

Amanda
I was at your show in Toronto *well I was told it was a Panic at the Disco show but you totally played them out of the joint (no offence to them).* Your version of War Pigs was like nothing I have ever heard before and I was totally taken aback! And when I heard some of the teeny bobbers complaining about you guys I had to refrain telling them off. Good show .. but I really do feel bad they you were treated with such mixed crowds..

Adam7464 said...

*that you were treated .. sorry its been along day

alanna said...

love. =)

R.S.Buck said...

I thought you were great at
Amoeba Music, esp liked the
cover of Marc Bolan.

JinMoonlight said...

Just an hour before the show one of my friends called up saying she had an extra ticket for the Dresden Dolls in Philly.

My response was that I didn't know that the band was playing tonight. To that she said, "Well they are opening for Panic at the Disco." Which lead to my saying, "Who?"

I accepted the ticket gladly, tossed on an LPD shirt (because I think that if you going to wear a band shirt it shoudn't be for the band you are seeing), picked up my friends and headed off.

Arriving there I felt immediately out of place. All about me was a sea of green shirted teenagers. The short of people that gave me little regret for missing out on actually being a teenager all those years ago. I spent most of the concert next to a precambrian fellow who felt as though wearing the collar up on his polo shirt was some sort of mating call, sadly it was working.

I thought of getting somethign signed for my sister, she being someone who would appreciate a signature on something a bit more than myself, but when I realized that it would have involved buying a copy of a CD both she and myself owned it just seemed to be a waste.

This is not to say that this was a bad concert, merely that it seemed very out of sort, very anti what I have seen of the band in the past.

That said, I do look forward to your relatively soon return to Philly. Be well out there.

i could be president said...

thats horrible what you guys had to go through. i think you guys are amazing and the pricks who said you suck is obviously too stuck up panic's assholes to hear how good the dresden dolls actually are.

Gmcg said...

Amanda, friends of mine drove with me to see you and Brian in Niagara Falls. We saw you frustrated at the soundcheck, shunted off as second billing to Panic! and casting your musical pearls before 14-year-old swine. It was a world apart from Orpheum with NIN, I'll say. Still, thanks for playing a great set!

Gmcg said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Augustine said...

I saw you two at Amoeba. This was the first I had heard of your music seriously, other than Coin-Operated Boy, but anyone who listens to the radio will have heard that.

I found a level of emotion in your music that simply doesn't seem to exist anymore, at least not at the level of main-stream that you are both on par with. (In terms of popularity, number of listeners, I mean.)

Brian's drum solo when I was there was amazing. After I saw it I looked around youtube and other video dumps on the internet to find something more impressive. Usually when you say someone is "The Greatest" at something, you have to split it up between technical (can use the instrument best) and soul (You can feel how much the music means to the person in the song.)

For example, Eddie Van Halen is the greatest technical guitarist of all time. He can play the instrument in such a way that it no longer even sounds like a guitar. But he's not the best guitarist of all time, that honor goes to Jimi Hendrix, because of the amount of soul that goes into what he does.

When I saw Brian go nuts and wail on the drums, the line got blurry, and he was both at once. I'd feel more pity for the kid who yelled "YOU SUCK" for not being able to enjoy something so skillful, than I would for Brian feeling unappriciated in that singular moment.

Good luck to you, I doubt I'll come here again, unless something crazy happens and you tell me what you thought about what I said. I'd probably feel some kind of connection then.

Good luck to the both of you.

Socrates Volkova said...

*has never seen dresden dolls concert* ....T.T...*feels sooooo left out*

Anonymous said...

Most Panic! fans suck, I saw them a few weeks ago in NYC and none of the children (I'll be 19 soon and most of the fans there were 12) appreciated the opening bands- Plain White T's and Jack's Mannequin. I was dancing to two of my favorite bands, having a great time while these kids were yelling things at these amazing bands. If I was at one of Panic!'s shows where you guys opened, I know that I would've been captivated and in love with the music. I'm sorry that you had to deal with these kids, I promise that not all of the Panic! fans are that bad.

I'm glad that you were able to connect with Ryan and help him cope, I'd love to have a conversation with him someday. And I would've love to have heard that cover of "Imagine", I'm sure that it was wonderful.

And that concert hall sounds incredible, I love places like that. You should check out the Saint George Theatre in Staten Island, NY, I think that you would love it.
-Shannon

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Jema said...
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