Saturday, April 15, 2006

Again

I had a dream last night that I was in Chicago, then took a subway to Japan and was suddenly in a tall observation tower in Washington DC. Down below there were giant sights to see, huge statues of liberty, giant pagodas, crumbling buildings...i watched peopl jumping. Upon descending, it was night and I found myself in the cast of extras in an anti-terrorist art-film that involved everyone straddling on free-floating planks in a fake ocean lit from beneath. planes painted white (both inside and out) housed drama between people threatening each other with forks as we all started to freeze (titanic, anyone?). finally we all decided to mutiny and plummet into the ocean because we just couldn't balance anymore and it seemed warmer in the water.

i must be back on tour.

but i'm not. i'm home. for another day, at least. we spent a week on tour came back to boston for a five day break. i call it a cock-tease. hello beautiful apartment and friends. goodbye. the week back on tour, astonishingly, was our first tour back on a bus since October. but we haven't really been home much since october and i find myself really confused by this. where have we been if we haven't been on tour? i had to ask brian. where were we? ah yes, making the record, ah yes, the promo tours, ah yes....but now back to the grind. back on a bus, and this time, for a long time. between now and November we're scheduled to be home no more than about a month in total. oh my god.

i wouldn't say i'm happy about it, but maybe not as sad as i used to be. this last tour felt like a typical example of what life on the road can be like, all the contrast. the first few days were painfully hard and then i had a few sublime moments.

we left for tour a few days after i posted the last entry about ben's death. in the past few weeks, i have watched my entire relationship with the internet evolve in a way i hadn't anticipated. it's never seemed so real.

after i posted that entry, i started to get emails and diary comments from people i had never met that were total strangers, friends of ben, cousins of ben, ex-girlfriends of ben....and they all shared their stories. i had shared mine, and now i got stories back. all of a sudden, i was having conversations with people about grief and life and it all felt totally natural. the point hit particularly close to home when brian and i were somewhere in the midwest (was it kansas city?), crammed into a closet-sized stockroom to do a quick video interview with a local music TV station. tour life. the blur. all the standard questions. when the cameras turned off, the woman who had been interviewing us turned to me and said: "I just wanted to let you know, I read your last blog. It hit really close to home, and I just wanted to thank you." and we hugged each other. and all of a sudden we were human.

i need that humanity so badly. i've started to realize that i rely on this journal and the ongoing conversation as if it were another significant relationship in my life. except this one, i realized in a moment of mortal reflection, can't suddenly up and die on me (unless the internet happens to explode, in which case we'd all be fucked). no, it can only metamorphisize as people come and go, comment or don't, drop in and out. in my nightmares, i imagine myself like that poor has-been actress in "sunset boulevard". i am 65 and aging in a dank room lit only by fringed red lamps with 5-watt light bulbs, typing manically all morning to an online community of non-existent fans about how i could've been a contender. the diary comments, which i will read with wringing hands and shaking false teeth, will all be secretly written by a wretched man-servant who lives in my garage and was once a great Dresden Dolls fan and now has lost his mind and lives in servitude of my Aged Monstrous Ego. he sits patiently with me every night as i pour my pint-sized glass of gin and force him to watch the Paradise DVD for the 23,456th time. "see that!!!" i'll exclaim. "i was HOT back then, you fucker. nobody could touch me!!!" then i will keel over in a drunken haze and he will carry me to my bed, which is shaped like a gigantic swan and there i will lie, backlit and surrounded by fluffy things, until another day comes to torment me. hee.

so all of these emails and comments poured in as we were leaving for/left for tour, and i sat and sifted through them and treated them as my own private funeral and lesson on life and death and how people connect with each other.

but the most beautiful was the photo that jen sent, who read the blog and was reminded that she had taken a picture of me and ben on the day of the aborted-interview meeting.
it was the first night of tour, we were in salt lake city in an airless basement production office, killing time and catching up on email before the show. brian and emily were sitting on either side of me, we were a little army of mac-zombies. i opened the email from jen....and before i even got a chance to see the details i shut my computer and felt like i'd had the wind knocked out of me.

but the worst thing was having nowhere to go. i was surrounded by people and crew and outside was an industrial park and a line of fans. i left the room and left the building. i just started walking, and eventually i came to two buildings off of the highway that were divided by a small, grassy alleyway. the buildings were empty, closed for the day. i sat down on that grass and just bawled, uncontrollably, like a three year old. huge, racking sobs and a throbbing head and spewing phlegm and gutteral moans the likes of which i haven't heard come out of myself since i was in my early twenties. (here's a good time in the sotry to tell you that i posted the photo: it's at www.dresdendolls.com/ben, it's almost religious for christ's sake....like an ominous foreshadowing pieta...). but i knew it wasn't just about ben and the photograph. it was about that, plus everybody dying everywhere else, but mostly it was about being back on the road, away from a lot of my closest friends and feeling totally alone in this environment where i have to just shut myself off and smile all day and act agreeable so i don't rock the very sensitive boat that we are all stuck in together. but then a few miracles happened. as i walked back to the club, pulling myself together, i got a phone call from one of those friends. i poured it all out and talked about how disconnected i felt, how alone and foreign, and he reminded me that you don't go to filene's to buy milk. you can't expect certain things from certain people and situations. and as we were talking, another friend who never calls beeped in from london. he is an accordian player that i've known for years, and he had happened to email me a few hours earlier and knew i was having a rough day. our relationship is a ben-like one. instant connection and not much need for explaining. but very little knowledge of each other. just a caring and an intuition. and the parking lot mud i was standing in as the sky got dark seemed actually comforting. i trudged around in it, getting my shoes all wet as i clung to this little piece of plastic connecting me to people who were thousands of miles away, remembering that they aren't always visible, but they're there. it's like this. it's completely real. it's just not obvious.

the next day was better and i found solace in a cafe in denver (st. marks) all day. i found it by accident and felt like the hand of god had reached down and put it there just for me. there was a woman painting watercolors in the corner, people were talking and reading, the tables were marble-topped, the music was bach cello suites and jimi hendrix and i just melted into a wooden pew for three hours and thought: if i could only find this place in every city, every morning, touring life would be balanced. spending the morning in a best western lobby (which is often the case) is just....fucked.

i find myself wanting badly to return to places i have been. any place. i call it Again. I am becoming a very big fan of Again, but i realize i've actually always been this way. I crave adventure and strange places and surprises to an almost unhealthy degree, but within those surprises i want Again. I want to take a ship to a faraway country, but always sit at the same table in that ship when i drink my morning tea. and when i get to the foreign country, i want to go back to the same park every day and sit under the strange foreign tree and watch it change if it rains. Again Again Again Again Again. Some of the best trips i've taken have been trips BACK to places, when i get to be enveloped not only in the place itself but in my own nostalgia surrounding it. it's like an oreo.

the record is out in three days. it feels like christmas.

now i am going to get capitalistic and remind you to walk into a store and BUY THE FUCKING THING.
i know you've downloaded it, and i am proud of you. now go buy it. buy it the week it comes out, buy 45 copies and give them to your friends and loved ones. it's an amazing piece of packaging and it's an amazing record. end of adverstisement.

hm, and now that i've gone all capitalist on you i feel dirty. i am going to go to bed.

love





a

36 comments:

br@nd0n said...

I don't really know what I could possibly say that would mean anything coming from a complete stranger that you have unknowingly hugged twice now. What I can say is that reading your posts makes me feel a strong desire to be your friend, and for you to know that there are so many people out there who truly, madly, deeply love you. As much as I love seeing you guys in concert and seeing new things come from your beautiful blooming minds, I also wish that you guys would get some rest and a little solitude time.

Your CD has been pre-ordered and I anxiously check the mail religiously every day now waiting for it to come. And thanks for allowing us to listen to the record on MySpace...I must say that I am INCREDIBLY impressed by the new record. There is a certain power to it that is just downright addictive. It's your passion that makes your music so amazing, and actually being able to see that when you play, and to hear it in all your songs...it's love. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of a grand friend, and for the not-so-great timing as well.

Wow, this has been long enough...

peace, pillows, and yummy dreams.

evilforestgnome said...

the cd is in the mail. i haven't downloaded the new album or even listened to it on myspace. i don't want to taint the experience. things mean a lot more to me when i can hold them in my hands.

unlike you, i fear that anything computer-based might disappear into an unintelligible set of ones and zeros... i want to feel that there are people behind the text, spread throughout the world, who feel pain and love, much like i do, but i can't see past the computer screen. i will always remain a fan, gazing up at the stage; you will always be hidden by makeup, camera crews, and barricades. and despite these little glimpses into your life, i will never truly know you. how sad. still, i can still dream that some day when i am down, you will give me a hug, and although everything will definitely not be right in the world, peace will be mine for that fleeting moment.

Polly Zero said...

Again.

Since I turned 25 last month, I find myself wanting to revisit and bathe myself in nostalgia till I'm absolutely spent. I'm able to reflect on the good memories without the flinching that comes from the bad memories that are intertwined. I do understand that feeling and it has hit me like a screaming freight train. I haven't been exactly faithful in purging my thoughts to my blogs of late as I feel the dangerous instinct to disappear. I never used to be that way; but the continuous parade of people treating me poorly just grew too much. Introspection can be a cruel mistress.

I haven't experienced loss like yours so it's difficult for me to relate. That is a beautiful photo though. He did have a great smile. :) All I can say is keep on cherishing Ben and those awesomely quirky but wonderful memories.

I fully intend to pick up that new album! Unlike the rest of my friends, I enjoy dropping change on actual CDs. I love the artwork.

Mr.Cerne said...

Amanada, sweet women . . . people forget humanity, that we're all human. Yes, you've got a set of pipes, an intriguing mind, and as you say, '[you are] HOT . . . nobody [can] touch [you]!!!'' (Or something to that effect).

But you're a person . . .

You know, that whole bullshit about us all having feelings and such. Sad (or maybe not so sad) truth: we feel what we feel and we are who we are; we are people (even the ever so not-so-lovely folk who are currently ripping up the constitution w/ reckless abandon.)

People--gotta love 'em, and yet we hate them.

Anyway, love to you and the Brian man. I'm stoked to see your PHX show, and I've alredy pre-ordered the new album (two of them), bought my best friend 'Paradise,' and re-bought the first album (my first one was swiped between Anaheim and Vegas on a long vacation).

I'm a sad, sorry capitilast, I know . . .

- Frankie

A Unique Alias said...

I pre-ordered on Amazon . . . still waiting.

I look forward to seeing you when you come out to DC in a few months.

Thanks for the music.

juxtagon said...

Am back with a copy of the new album, from a shop and not a pre-release copy. Love the design on it, like the way the artworks been made to look like graffiti in run-down buildings.

Only pic which lets the side down( for me at any rate) is the one in which it say "Your Ad Here" on the Moon.

I just think : The Invisibles Vol3 #1.
But then, I can't remember when Grant Morrison would have 'ripped/borrowed/been inspired by" the whole idea of Adverts beamed off the Moon thing.

But that's just me. :)

and I can't be all capitalistic an buy 45 copies for friends, family,etc as presents as I did that for someone at xmas, and to do the samething twice is just not stylish. I am taking them to the London! gig.

(London! always read/sounds better with an exclamation mark - gives it a Swinging '60's Vibe)

Go on, Amanda. Try it. Try saying "Brian, We're playing London!" then try "Brian. We're playing London." Taste the difference. and it may be a fun game to play on tour.

(45? You been at the Bill Drummond Books again? If no, you should)

the point of the last ramble was : you'll have to find someother way for me to 'atone' for hearing the album early.

and when you are "65 and aging in a dank room" you can take heart in the fact you (you're probably? don't hate me for this, or hold it against me if it doesn't pass) are one of those women who get more strikingly beautiful as they age.

So you may have the insane fan butler, the David Lynch decorated penthouse suite, be 65 and aging , but looking stunningly crystaline in a mythical Snow Queen ex-soap opera actress way; tempting young bucks up with promeses of Rare Dresden Dolls cds instead of Turkish Delight.

or something like that.

"everyone else got given Easter Eggs to celebrate the Rabbit Day, me? I got Easter Vodka ..."

juxtagon said...

oh, and bare in mind, I'm just a "mouthty Scot"

:-)

kali_licious said...

I just heard "Sing" for the first time. I'd forgotten what it was like to have a song reach in and yank tears out of me.

Thank you Amanda.

marek svoboda said...

You´re right, now it´s me who feels guilty and will buy the CD no matter how many copies are flying out there!
By the way, I already have a whole folder of "from Amanda" music in my iPod, consisting of bands you mention here. Neutral Milk Hotel and Sleepytime Gorilla Museum lead the pack. Thanks for spreading the word!
Looking fwd to seeing you in Prague!

Mr.Cerne said...

A and B . . .

The album kick's some great little cheeks.

Your Tempe show . . . woohoo! "I love rock and roll" and "Science Fiction Double Feature" just shocked me in the best way possible, and my best friend and I loved waltzing to your music in the back.

Also, glad you liked the retro Elton John outfit.

Be well, sing well, live well, love well . . .

- Frankie

Gina said...

Amanda~I bought the album today--I can't wait to learn all of the songs so I can sing them, too. And yes, we need to sing out loud and fucking proudly--in public, in front of strangers and lovers and retail cashiers. I love how your two instruments make such beautiful sounds and a hell of a lot of passionate noise. Your voice is just lovely. The artwork is fantastic; I want to go explore each and every one of those old theatres.

I love the album, just love it. Thanks to both of you for doing what you do!

A Unique Alias said...

Frustratingly enough, Amazon dot Com hasn't shipped the damned CD yet. However, I did get a review from a friend of mine today who bought his at an actual (gasp) CD store:

"Yo. The new Dresden Dolls is pretty f**king dope. It's balls-to-the-wall without let-up until track 5, and then sweet sweet relief."

I can't take this suspense much longer.

Mr.Cerne said...

The concept of again is lovely . . . sadly, our memories of something, some place, some person, are not always reliable.

Then again, if we froze a moment, not even a minute, but literally froze time on that moment of bliss . . .

I guess we wouldn't be living. I just have this image of icicles ( I think I've botched the spelling, but I'm an AZ boy . . . I didn't see snow till I was 23)hanging off of the people we love.

I'd rather have all the sordid events mixed with the grand gliffs.

Anyway, enough philosophastering.

Be well, peeps . . .

- Frankie

Me, Im not said...

Amanda,

I love the new music. Once again you reminded me why I love you guys.

My only negative if there are any is purely a selfish one...not enough pictures of you.

Great Job, keep it up and I will see you in Cincinnati in July!

EJ Wasson

June Miller said...

Perhaps it's because I'm still a bit groggy from some debauchery that took place last night, but I was a bit confused by this entry. I couldn't tell if you were upset or alright with the complete strangers reading and commenting on your personal life. Specifically, in this here journal. Your nightmares are a bit strange, if not oddly amusing. I don't think you were trying to diss us comment-folk in any way, so don't think I'm insinuating you did that. Like I said, it was a debaucherous night, so I'm either not reading into things enough, or reading into them too much.

I will say, though, that I was a bit hesitant to look at the picture of you and Ben. 'It's only gonna break your heart,' I thought to myself. It was heartbreaking. But it was also very lovely. Very much so.

I intend to buy your record as soon as I have the money to do so. I'm still po' folk, unfortunately.

meeralee said...

Amanda,

I saw you tonight (hours ago) at the Orpheum with my husband and I came here to leave you this note before falling into bed with your voice in my head and a genuinely warm feeling in my heart. My sincerest sorrow for your loss, and I wanted to tell you that tonight you shared a good deal of the humanity you have been finding here.

'night.

--m

elaine said...

Amanda (& Brian!)

You wrote, some time back about past and present crushes. A friend told me last year I was infatuated with the Dolls (well, truly Amanda but ... ). When I finaly saw you in concert (last year, in Providence), I actually stopped listening to your music for a week, the experience of your performance was ecstatic and I felt I'd had enough for a little while. So the 'crush' became something more like love?

More recently you wrote here about how you'd been unable to enjoy music, simply listening.

I immediately thought of 'Eat Drink, Man Woman', the chef who could not taste until his daughter insisted on cooking for him. For a couple of decades I didn't listen to music, my Ex didn't share my taste and was so cranky when her music wasn't playing that I just gave up. It was you and Brian who brought me back to music, and I'm truly grateful.

I'm tremendously sorry that I had to miss your gig at the Orpheum, I had commitments with my kids and their grandma. But we did get to see you at the MFA and truly loved you and the people you had with you.

I picked up 'yes Virginia' today and am entranced again. so many favorites I've heard live, and your studio work is so smooth and wonderful (and I'm sorry it was so hard to do but you should be very happy with the CD, it's awesome).

I loved you as the 8 foot bride, my kids and I have appreciated her in Harvard Square and at the Ren Faire. I've seen you about (we've got some mutual friends) and always enjoyed your presence. And I adore you and Brian and probably will always.

Thanks and thanks for keeping up the blog, it's a wonderful touchpoint for all of us who's lives you've touched so many ways.

MarkFarley said...

Great album you guys... can't wait to see you at The Astoria...

Hope you guys can make Reading this year as well. It would be great to see you on the larger stage on Sunday or something but it would also be great to have you headlining the smaller tent as well. xx

jimmycity said...

Big, Fat, Hairy, 47 year old gay guy here.

I love you and your music makes me laugh and cry. You astound me.

Please take care on tour. For many of us, you are our Again.

Big Love.

x said...

You paint a tragically beautiful picture. Honest. Art. Touching.
In fact, I just opened some sort of blogger account to let you know that.
Is your accordian-playing friend Jason Webley? I heard that you play together sometimes. (my friend just might be his biggest fan)
I hope to escape the cultural blackhole of montana to see you play this summer.
Here's to hoping.

MarkFarley said...

lol... I just found out that you have confirmed for Reading that's awesome, I get to see you twice this year!!!

looking forward to The Astoria. xx

Mr.Cerne said...

'Sing' has become a mantra, a way to get past my insecurities and, well, beyond singing, writing.

I, too, have sung loudly to the song in public, walking down Mill avenue, on my way to school, past the bums and crusties, the frat boys, the capitalist men. It's refereshing to feel so alive amongst the sea of dead.

Thank you, A and B, for giving us this moving song, for 'Delilah,' for 'Virginia.'

I will forever be bestowing you w/ my gratitude.

And if you want a second nurse when your going senile, and want a cute gay house boy, I'm game.

- Frankie

veritas said...

i seriously promise to buy the cd very soon. i have listened to me... er... downloaded tracks with such delight, and i Was going to buy it after hearing like, three tracks. poopies to australia and the later release date. now, i have no money, and just go in and stare, longingly at it. i really will buy it. next pay. i've petted it, and looked at the pictures though! really!

i add myself to the long line of deranged fans here. (deranged in the Best possible way) reading diaries creates a great deal of intimacy with someone who is a complete stranger. you, however, have the advantage of knowing that we all here spend inordinate ammounts of time singing along with you.

or maybe that is just me.

i watched rage last night, your guest programm-y thing. bananarama makes me happy.

you get some rest, kiddo. create your own little silence.
i would recomment some cathartic, loud singing, but you do that for a living. only much better than mine.

xxxx liz
(the girl with the boy who held your beer at the brisbane, australia show)

Das T said...

Seening you two playing again(Krems Danube festival 30 march)
was so unreal. I mean I saw You Amanda and You Brian one time in Vienna little Flex club and the other time as support for NIN were I got the feeling that most didnt give a fuck about The Dolls.
Remember? The one guy you stopped by and told you He this he is the only one you came to see the support band.
And Now this!
A concert hall full of people, singing your songs!
PEACHES thanking you for your Birthday Amanda!
Wow!
Hope you guys didnt party that much ;-)
Well I got a present for you but I got distracked by a girl and than you were gone.
Thing is I will see you on 31 of may in Vienna, so I hope to give it to you there.
"A month too late, that you Mike" my mother would saw.
But well now that I have that chance:
Amanda? do you eat meat? I asked that because it is connteced to the present and I found many musicus that dont so what say?
hey maybe i can give it to you before the show? Get there 3 hour earlier?
oh man people will get mad on my for that!
I just want to make sure that she get it damn it!
Why has your brain and yourself always have to be on war?

Katie said...

You are such an inspiration.

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss, and that photo is phenomenally beautiful.

Definitely looking forward to seeing you in Denver when you come in July. I hope you find solace in the little things wherever you happen to be.

personallog! said...

Hi Amanda, My name is Dave and I will be coming to see you play tonight here in the UK(Manchester!). I am a regular reader here and a devoted fan...bla bla bla. I just thought it was about time that I said something instead of sitting on the side lines. I have to thank you and Brian for making my life seem worth living. I have a diease called ms and its shit! But I have found a great enjoyment listening to your music....its the highlight of my day to watch the dvd and compleatly loose myself in the energy you guys show on stage. I cant wait to see you both tonight, I will be fully made up in makeup(my girlfriends idea) and I am sure I will be the only person with a walking stick. Please keep the tunes coming and once again thankyou.

Dave

Ramsey said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ramsey said...

Yeah, being alone in a crowded place is one of the cruelest teases in human existance( "Welcome to California!") Here's a little trick I use. I don't know how much mime you learned, or if you are familar with space work, but when I need to take my mind off of something in a crowded place or @ work, I just make a space object and see where it will take me. Sometimes it's an apple I eat or a pony I feed sugar cubes. It doesn't make me feel better but it relaxes me. Being isolated is tough because it's twice as hard to solve any problem, because "A mind that created a problem cannot solve it." - Albert Einstein

Redshift said...

You're playing tonight in London; and my lack of job means I can't see you. No money bags have miraculously appeared, no mercy donations have been made. I can just pray that maybe you'll come to the uk again sometime. Maybe. My life would be complete if I could just meet you.

rachel said...

go dresden dolls. =))) im new to u guys. ^^ and i love ur music! keep up the good wrk. i love you guys. =)

A Unique Alias said...

New entry coming soon?
Hope things are well,
-AUA

Mr.Cerne said...

My good woman . . . will you ever post again? I know you're a busy woman, but . . . we want to know if you are all right. We want to hear of your success!

- Frankie

lanilou said...

So y'know all of your lil readers are going to write needy comments about requiring an Amanda dose until you write again. :)

Seriously though, I hope that whatever you've been up to has been beautiful. Stay safe and well.

Di said...

You don't know me and I don't know you. But yes, I did download the album and I've listened to it a million and one times by now. Anyway. I am going to go out an buy just as soon as I've got the cash to spare, cuz I do buy albums that I think are fantastic. This was a fantastic album. So I'm going to buy said fantastic album. Keep on rocking the free world. The world needs more people who aren't afraid to sing about Coke and Pespi compromising.

Das T said...

Hi Amanda
hope you enjoyed my late birthday-present.
I guess you liked the wine but I dont know if you are into meat.
cause your support in vienna, said he is not sure if you like it so anyways. Enjoy the rest of your tour. Hope to see you and brain soon again.

CoffeeBreak Revolution said...

"And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

click here to see your fabulous self preforming at the 930 Club last May.

Hang in there.