Saturday, April 15, 2006

Again

I had a dream last night that I was in Chicago, then took a subway to Japan and was suddenly in a tall observation tower in Washington DC. Down below there were giant sights to see, huge statues of liberty, giant pagodas, crumbling buildings...i watched peopl jumping. Upon descending, it was night and I found myself in the cast of extras in an anti-terrorist art-film that involved everyone straddling on free-floating planks in a fake ocean lit from beneath. planes painted white (both inside and out) housed drama between people threatening each other with forks as we all started to freeze (titanic, anyone?). finally we all decided to mutiny and plummet into the ocean because we just couldn't balance anymore and it seemed warmer in the water.

i must be back on tour.

but i'm not. i'm home. for another day, at least. we spent a week on tour came back to boston for a five day break. i call it a cock-tease. hello beautiful apartment and friends. goodbye. the week back on tour, astonishingly, was our first tour back on a bus since October. but we haven't really been home much since october and i find myself really confused by this. where have we been if we haven't been on tour? i had to ask brian. where were we? ah yes, making the record, ah yes, the promo tours, ah yes....but now back to the grind. back on a bus, and this time, for a long time. between now and November we're scheduled to be home no more than about a month in total. oh my god.

i wouldn't say i'm happy about it, but maybe not as sad as i used to be. this last tour felt like a typical example of what life on the road can be like, all the contrast. the first few days were painfully hard and then i had a few sublime moments.

we left for tour a few days after i posted the last entry about ben's death. in the past few weeks, i have watched my entire relationship with the internet evolve in a way i hadn't anticipated. it's never seemed so real.

after i posted that entry, i started to get emails and diary comments from people i had never met that were total strangers, friends of ben, cousins of ben, ex-girlfriends of ben....and they all shared their stories. i had shared mine, and now i got stories back. all of a sudden, i was having conversations with people about grief and life and it all felt totally natural. the point hit particularly close to home when brian and i were somewhere in the midwest (was it kansas city?), crammed into a closet-sized stockroom to do a quick video interview with a local music TV station. tour life. the blur. all the standard questions. when the cameras turned off, the woman who had been interviewing us turned to me and said: "I just wanted to let you know, I read your last blog. It hit really close to home, and I just wanted to thank you." and we hugged each other. and all of a sudden we were human.

i need that humanity so badly. i've started to realize that i rely on this journal and the ongoing conversation as if it were another significant relationship in my life. except this one, i realized in a moment of mortal reflection, can't suddenly up and die on me (unless the internet happens to explode, in which case we'd all be fucked). no, it can only metamorphisize as people come and go, comment or don't, drop in and out. in my nightmares, i imagine myself like that poor has-been actress in "sunset boulevard". i am 65 and aging in a dank room lit only by fringed red lamps with 5-watt light bulbs, typing manically all morning to an online community of non-existent fans about how i could've been a contender. the diary comments, which i will read with wringing hands and shaking false teeth, will all be secretly written by a wretched man-servant who lives in my garage and was once a great Dresden Dolls fan and now has lost his mind and lives in servitude of my Aged Monstrous Ego. he sits patiently with me every night as i pour my pint-sized glass of gin and force him to watch the Paradise DVD for the 23,456th time. "see that!!!" i'll exclaim. "i was HOT back then, you fucker. nobody could touch me!!!" then i will keel over in a drunken haze and he will carry me to my bed, which is shaped like a gigantic swan and there i will lie, backlit and surrounded by fluffy things, until another day comes to torment me. hee.

so all of these emails and comments poured in as we were leaving for/left for tour, and i sat and sifted through them and treated them as my own private funeral and lesson on life and death and how people connect with each other.

but the most beautiful was the photo that jen sent, who read the blog and was reminded that she had taken a picture of me and ben on the day of the aborted-interview meeting.
it was the first night of tour, we were in salt lake city in an airless basement production office, killing time and catching up on email before the show. brian and emily were sitting on either side of me, we were a little army of mac-zombies. i opened the email from jen....and before i even got a chance to see the details i shut my computer and felt like i'd had the wind knocked out of me.

but the worst thing was having nowhere to go. i was surrounded by people and crew and outside was an industrial park and a line of fans. i left the room and left the building. i just started walking, and eventually i came to two buildings off of the highway that were divided by a small, grassy alleyway. the buildings were empty, closed for the day. i sat down on that grass and just bawled, uncontrollably, like a three year old. huge, racking sobs and a throbbing head and spewing phlegm and gutteral moans the likes of which i haven't heard come out of myself since i was in my early twenties. (here's a good time in the sotry to tell you that i posted the photo: it's at www.dresdendolls.com/ben, it's almost religious for christ's sake....like an ominous foreshadowing pieta...). but i knew it wasn't just about ben and the photograph. it was about that, plus everybody dying everywhere else, but mostly it was about being back on the road, away from a lot of my closest friends and feeling totally alone in this environment where i have to just shut myself off and smile all day and act agreeable so i don't rock the very sensitive boat that we are all stuck in together. but then a few miracles happened. as i walked back to the club, pulling myself together, i got a phone call from one of those friends. i poured it all out and talked about how disconnected i felt, how alone and foreign, and he reminded me that you don't go to filene's to buy milk. you can't expect certain things from certain people and situations. and as we were talking, another friend who never calls beeped in from london. he is an accordian player that i've known for years, and he had happened to email me a few hours earlier and knew i was having a rough day. our relationship is a ben-like one. instant connection and not much need for explaining. but very little knowledge of each other. just a caring and an intuition. and the parking lot mud i was standing in as the sky got dark seemed actually comforting. i trudged around in it, getting my shoes all wet as i clung to this little piece of plastic connecting me to people who were thousands of miles away, remembering that they aren't always visible, but they're there. it's like this. it's completely real. it's just not obvious.

the next day was better and i found solace in a cafe in denver (st. marks) all day. i found it by accident and felt like the hand of god had reached down and put it there just for me. there was a woman painting watercolors in the corner, people were talking and reading, the tables were marble-topped, the music was bach cello suites and jimi hendrix and i just melted into a wooden pew for three hours and thought: if i could only find this place in every city, every morning, touring life would be balanced. spending the morning in a best western lobby (which is often the case) is just....fucked.

i find myself wanting badly to return to places i have been. any place. i call it Again. I am becoming a very big fan of Again, but i realize i've actually always been this way. I crave adventure and strange places and surprises to an almost unhealthy degree, but within those surprises i want Again. I want to take a ship to a faraway country, but always sit at the same table in that ship when i drink my morning tea. and when i get to the foreign country, i want to go back to the same park every day and sit under the strange foreign tree and watch it change if it rains. Again Again Again Again Again. Some of the best trips i've taken have been trips BACK to places, when i get to be enveloped not only in the place itself but in my own nostalgia surrounding it. it's like an oreo.

the record is out in three days. it feels like christmas.

now i am going to get capitalistic and remind you to walk into a store and BUY THE FUCKING THING.
i know you've downloaded it, and i am proud of you. now go buy it. buy it the week it comes out, buy 45 copies and give them to your friends and loved ones. it's an amazing piece of packaging and it's an amazing record. end of adverstisement.

hm, and now that i've gone all capitalist on you i feel dirty. i am going to go to bed.

love





a

103 comments:

Brandon said...

I don't really know what I could possibly say that would mean anything coming from a complete stranger that you have unknowingly hugged twice now. What I can say is that reading your posts makes me feel a strong desire to be your friend, and for you to know that there are so many people out there who truly, madly, deeply love you. As much as I love seeing you guys in concert and seeing new things come from your beautiful blooming minds, I also wish that you guys would get some rest and a little solitude time.

Your CD has been pre-ordered and I anxiously check the mail religiously every day now waiting for it to come. And thanks for allowing us to listen to the record on MySpace...I must say that I am INCREDIBLY impressed by the new record. There is a certain power to it that is just downright addictive. It's your passion that makes your music so amazing, and actually being able to see that when you play, and to hear it in all your songs...it's love. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of a grand friend, and for the not-so-great timing as well.

Wow, this has been long enough...

peace, pillows, and yummy dreams.

ashlee said...

1. the picture is beautiful. comfort is hard to pull off through a camera.

2. i'm glad things are more... connected((?)) as it were, with the people that matter.

3. i like self-bought presents for christmas. they're my favorite kind.

Andreas said...

i'm always amazed at how you can share so much with all of us. i admire that. i admire you. goodnight.

evilforestgnome said...

the cd is in the mail. i haven't downloaded the new album or even listened to it on myspace. i don't want to taint the experience. things mean a lot more to me when i can hold them in my hands.

unlike you, i fear that anything computer-based might disappear into an unintelligible set of ones and zeros... i want to feel that there are people behind the text, spread throughout the world, who feel pain and love, much like i do, but i can't see past the computer screen. i will always remain a fan, gazing up at the stage; you will always be hidden by makeup, camera crews, and barricades. and despite these little glimpses into your life, i will never truly know you. how sad. still, i can still dream that some day when i am down, you will give me a hug, and although everything will definitely not be right in the world, peace will be mine for that fleeting moment.

schicagos said...

the cd leaked about a month ago on certain unnamed networks online...
i felt bad, so i pre-ordered 3 copies..
eh.. i hope that makes up for it

at least i was able to sing along when you came in to town... which got me a lot of strange and pissed off glares from other fans..

on another note.. my friend wont talk to me anymore cause i told her i got to meet you after the show...
and you gave me a hug..
and a kiss on the cheek..
so i kissed your rock-goddess hand hehe
which made my month...

im gonna make you something cool for the computer... since im an awesome programmer.. if i do say so myself.

we do love you in this wonderful city of ours.
im constantly spreading the word...
from the looks of the shows here..
it seems to be working..

dont feel bad about being a capitalist...
last year, i had to scalp six cubs vs white sox tickets last year just to have enough $$$ to pay for two scalped dresden dolls and NIN tix.
then what happens? sox win the world series after 88 years... crazy

but the sacrifice was 100% worth it.
i went to see NIN never even hearing about you.. and i left the concert that night thinking "i have to see the 2nd show... i cant miss the dresden dolls"
ive been to a lot of concerts in my life...
i have to say.. your shows are by far the best.

hope to see you again in chi-town :-)

roboticvampire said...

Ordered, shipped, and eagarly awaited. I still can't figure out why it feels necessary to prove my financial support. Have you considered getting a kitten?

Aram Igel said...

Haha, I loved your going capitalist. I guess I'll have to buy this album too.

mr. greg said...

i'll buy it, sure. don't know your music, but it's time for change and i find myself wanting to get ben's iPod list (i've asked his best friend to grab it for me). it's not capitalist to want to make a decent living for something you believe in and that you're good at--its just, well, human. Oh, here's a bit of self-promotion: i used the words from one of ben's "simple simon" poems in a messed up, semi-goth tune i wrote some years back. it's at http://www.dreamseq.com/clk.html. after hearing it, ben said "me like," but i don't think he did. i laughed at the thought at the time, because he was really into eliott smith at the time, and this is, well, not that. anyway, i look forward to the disc and music and may even buy the DVD--it'll make me feel closer to the ben, somehow (and I might even like it). i agree with you on the need for "again," there's a comfort in what's known. - greg

dahlia said...

i'm from australia and your album came out here today - i pre-ordered my copy. it's incredible. you guys are amazing. your music means so much to me - i listen to it all the time & it really touches me deeply.

please come to perth sometime soon - it would be so so great to see your show.

anna.

David said...

You're last two posts hit really close to home for me as well. I'm dealing with some rough times in my family right now. I love the fact that you feel able to connect to your fans by being so honest in your blog.

I must admit, rather sheepishly, that I did download the album. Curiosity got the better of me. But I've been a huge fan for a couple of years and I'll be there with fistfull of dollars in hand on release day to buy a couple of copies in the store. Without disavowing the amazing work on the first record, Yes, Virginia is off the scale amazing in my opinion. The songs, the production, your voice, Brian's drumming - just a flat out emotion powerhouse of an album.

I'm now kicking myself for having just missed the Albany show (my ride got sick). I'll definitely be attending any show near me when you guys come back around to the northeast. Any plans to play Northampton, MA anytime in the future?

Eva said...

Talking about connecting:
I've never seen you live, and I was so fucking looking forward to seeing you in Hamburg.
Now I don't know if I still want to see you live. Feeling that I am so close to a person, feeling really connected, and than standing in front of this person seeing her live and realizing, that I hardly know her at all, and that she can't care for me in any way...I don't know, if I want that! I just hate this feeling! It's mainly your blog... I shouldn't read it anymore and build up some mental distance!
Then there still may be a chance for Hamburg !!! ;)
gruß und kuss
Eva

andrea said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
andrea said...

I wish I could fully understand what it feels like for you to travel and be away from your home/family/friends so often. I can imagine what it must be like but I know it's nothing compared to what it would be to actually experience it. On top of that, having to do all this while going through an emotional rough patch must be extra tiring. But at least you're doing something that makes a difference in people's lives and allows you to live out your dreams. And through all the madness the people you needed called you at the exact right moments. They're not as far away as you'd think. Like you've said, the internet is amazing, phones as well. I do have to say that the picture of you and Ben will stay with me forever, there's just so much weight to it.

The Again. I didn't realize it til you wrote this but I think about that often. I just never noticed it because I didn't have a word for it, and now I do. Having a word for it makes me realize how often I search for my Again places, and how many of them I have. It's like when you're away to a place you've been maybe a few times and you see that restaurant you always make time to go to. You think, "Hello old friend, I know you", and you just feel better.

Take care the next few months Amanda, seriously. If you need an outlet your blogger friends are here waiting to comfort you. I think there's a lot of different kinds of love in the world. The kind you have with your friends, your family, and yourself. There's also the kind someone can have for someone they don't even personally know but the connections, emotions, and respect are still there. That's what you have with us, we love you, and when you need us we'll be there. Believe me, we cherish this relationship too.

Andrea

(the kansas city show made my year)

generic said...

I've never commented on an entry of yours before, but it now somehow seems appropriate.

I don't think I ever really felt a loss quite like your loss of Ben, but the way that you open up the way you have about it hits me, like it does everyone else, apparently. To me, with the photo and all the foreshadowing, I just keep thinking about how whenever someone close to me died or anything like that, the night before I would be strangely compelled to pray for them despite how horribly cynical and Jewish I get, or I'd have a dream/strong unconscious feeling that someone died. And then I'd wake up, hear the news, and kick myself in the ass that I didn't just go with that feeling, run wherever that person was and hold unto them so tight that they wouldn't physically be able to die. But I know that's crazy. But I really hope that you can find some sort-of "peace" on tour dealing with Ben and feelings of wanting Again by just playing all those emotions out if you can.

As fas as your mention of your future with the man-servant, well, that's actually very close to how I picture my future. Only for me I'm a chain-smoking, flask-toting, slurred-speaking wench with unfulfilled plans of grandeur. Maybe it's just that there's some comfort in being bitter.

And I am absolutely getting the album because I support those who promote themselves without the use of sham Hollywood relationships.

Jordan said...

I am truely and genuinely sorry for your loss. I would be lying if I said that I have expirienced a loss like that, because I have not, although I'm sure it hurts just as much as losing a family member, which has happened to me many times.

Through all of those losses, I've made it through to the end because of your music. Dare I put you on a pedestal? Yes. You and Brian have an incredible power to what you do, what you create, and your dedication to your followers. For what you have given to me, I thank you wholly and genuinely, and I know that you will always be there when I need you the most. Atleast I hope. Would it be selfish of me to ask for something that intense? To always be there when I need you, and to continue to do what you are doing? I have this intense fear of you guys suddenly halting your careers, permanently, and me not knowing where to turn for the familiar comfort you guys graciously supply to me.

I don't want this to turn into a dark, misery-flogging response to your entry, but it wouldn't feel right if I were to vomit up sunshine and flowers.

I must be honest, I have downloaded part of the new album, but I sent Tower Records a pre-order long before I indulged in the mp3's. I've felt guilty for doing it, but at the same time, I am glad that I decided to download the record.

My excuse: in the short time that I have had this album, it has helped me in more ways than I can explain.

The moment that burns you into my mind the most is Delilah. Sing comes in close, but you seem to hit home with everything you speak of in that song. Every note that you sing, the vocals you serenade me with, seem to somehow bring solace to me, as if you were inside of my head and were experiencing every emotion that I've ever felt. You've given me this feeling that no one else has ever given me, and I can not express the gratitude I have for you guys for that.

I have one very special memory of you both: in 2005 I attended your show in Philadelphia at the Theatre of Living Arts. I had the oppurtunity to meet you, I was at arms reach, and we spoke. Not of anything in particular - the future, friends, what lipstick stays on longest... Nothing important really, but you spoke as if I were a longtime friends of yours, for a few minutes I really felt I was truly part of the world of one of two of the people I mostly admire. It is a moment in my life I cherish.

You both are artists, truly unique talents. There are not words to express the impact that you and all of your work have had on me. I thank you, and honor you, for it.

Denise said...

Again.

Since I turned 25 last month, I find myself wanting to revisit and bathe myself in nostalgia till I'm absolutely spent. I'm able to reflect on the good memories without the flinching that comes from the bad memories that are intertwined. I do understand that feeling and it has hit me like a screaming freight train. I haven't been exactly faithful in purging my thoughts to my blogs of late as I feel the dangerous instinct to disappear. I never used to be that way; but the continuous parade of people treating me poorly just grew too much. Introspection can be a cruel mistress.

I haven't experienced loss like yours so it's difficult for me to relate. That is a beautiful photo though. He did have a great smile. :) All I can say is keep on cherishing Ben and those awesomely quirky but wonderful memories.

I fully intend to pick up that new album! Unlike the rest of my friends, I enjoy dropping change on actual CDs. I love the artwork.

whiteout said...

SOme times one can find comfort in the most odd and distant of things. When my life fell apart around november I would drive out of the state every single day that I could just to turn back around to make it back to work. Leave work, drive. Drive anywhere as long as it wasn't south. Like touring anywhere that wasn't denver just as long as I made it back in time to work 8 hours and do it all over again.I learned during all of this to not be sad something is gone, but be happy that it happened. Death sucks but it adds validity and context to what would otherwise be so damned boring. When the dust clears I hope you look around and realize that these are the people that love you, these are the people whose lives you've touched and these are the people who will always pick you up. And if ever you end up trapped in a closet drinking gin and lamenting your has-been status, there will still be people who are who they are because of what you said and how you said it. In 20 years we will still know that the dresden dolls saved rock and roll. I bought 6 copies of the new album just to get the free tickets for the denver show that were included. They will be evenly distributed amongst my friends and the epople who i feel need them the most. I heard it on myspace yesterday. I'm still in love. I'm glad to hear you liked st marks, I always thought that if we ever met outside of a fan/musician context I'd take you there for coffee. Guess god beat me to it. Good luck on tour, thee road is long but the journay is the more worthy part. Drive well and sleep carefully

jon said...

having never been on tour, i cannot fathom the physical and emotional drain that comes from it in anyway, save that detailed for us by you...

thank you for sharing that with us.

and thank you for sharing your story of ben with us, because even those of us who can't relate to it now will be able to some day, and maybe your words may bring one ounce of hope to those terrible times, much like your music has.

good luck with the touring. big things upcoming with bonneroo and lollapalooza. i'm sure you guys will knock everyone dead.

i bought a ticket to see you guys with panic at the disco in toronto. i've never once heard of them, but i'm coming just to see you guys.

the new album is fantastic! i plan on gifting it out to some people this year.

take care of yourself.

vertigo25 said...

I just saw your tour dates on your myspace, and I've decided to kill myself because it's obvious now that you're never coming to San Francisco... EVER.

Why have you forsaken us?

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

Amanada, sweet women . . . people forget humanity, that we're all human. Yes, you've got a set of pipes, an intriguing mind, and as you say, '[you are] HOT . . . nobody [can] touch [you]!!!'' (Or something to that effect).

But you're a person . . .

You know, that whole bullshit about us all having feelings and such. Sad (or maybe not so sad) truth: we feel what we feel and we are who we are; we are people (even the ever so not-so-lovely folk who are currently ripping up the constitution w/ reckless abandon.)

People--gotta love 'em, and yet we hate them.

Anyway, love to you and the Brian man. I'm stoked to see your PHX show, and I've alredy pre-ordered the new album (two of them), bought my best friend 'Paradise,' and re-bought the first album (my first one was swiped between Anaheim and Vegas on a long vacation).

I'm a sad, sorry capitilast, I know . . .

- Frankie

diana said...

Tomorrow night I will sing with you
Again
Thank You
peace

gnat said...

hi, amanda.

"Yes, Virginia" came out yesterday in australia. i was very near to tears when i recieved an email from my best friend saying she was listening to it and loving it, because firstly i was the one who made her fetish for the dresden dolls (by kindly lending her my albums and dvd over and over again :D) and secondly i was on HOLIDAYS over the weekend, dragged to an australian country town in the middle of nowhere by the parental units, from where there is no means of retrieving the new dresden dolls album. my iPod, including 61 dresden dolls songs from automaticjoy.com/the albums/thebrigade.net saved me from complaining bitterly the entire three-hour drive and back. being a teenager at the mercy of your parents is not pleasant when an album, on which your life almost depends, is being released the day you leave sydney and Any Means Of Getting It, all behind.

HOWEVER. first thing tomorrow morning i am getting up, trotting to Plum Music in the middle of surburban Sydney, purchasing "Yes, Virginia", inserting said cd into the cd player upon returning home, and spending the morning in complete bliss reclining upon the sofa.

(unless my father complains in the midst of my listening session that the music is too loud/there is no melody/it's not catchy enough etc, etc, etc, upon which occasion my mother will probably step in and stick up for me and tell him he ought to listen to the lyrics before making judgements. my mum's really awesome. she likes Radiohead and collects teddy bears.)


anyway. i saw your "sing" video and i was on the phone to my boyfriend at the same time, and he got worried because i burst into tears and became hysterical and started hugging the computer monitor for no particular reason that he could see. i'm not joking. that video had a strange but not unlikely effect on me. you don't know how many times i have procrastinated homework/going out/talking to other people by surrendering myself to "Paradise", watching it in the dark and hugging about four pillows at a time.


i know the "Again" feeling. i adore travelling but sometimes i get sick of different motel rooms and different hire cars and different sights to see which all blur together after awhile. "look at that mountain, natalia. take it all in. you probably won't see it again." yes, i doubt i will be returning to this exact spot again in my life, but there are always so many other mountains to see that it freaks me out. how am i supposed to take it in and look at it like it's special when it's really just like every other mountain i am going to see on this trip, and every other trip i shall take in future to mountainous regions, and every trip i have taken before?

i told you at the beginning of this (unfortunately rather long- i'm sorry) comment that over the weekend i visited an australian country town. it is called "Orange" and they call it the Colour City. i was somewhat looking forward to going because we went exactly four years ago and i was looking forward staying in a motel that i'd visited before and a park which i'd adored previously and a restaurant which i'd already dined in several times. however, after seeing the botanical gardens again, my father spent the rest of the weekend telling ANYONE he came across that Orange just wasn't as pretty as it had been four years ago.

i like going back to places i've visited before. i just hate it when they change and the nostalgia is all wiped away and replaced with new, not so nice memories.

i look forward to getting my little paws on that album tomorrow morning. again, i apologise for the long and pointless comment. i love you more than my hair ribbons.

natalia

p.s. you look beautiful in that photo. i really adore your hair. please tell brian i said hello.

Jill said...

way ahead of you there. i preordered my copy at least a week and a half ago. :] i was rather selfishly proud. i wish i could buy copies for my friends, but since i'm broke, :'[ i cannot.
i have been eagerly anticipating the album to the point where i have begun to dream about it! (no joke!) i suppose that comes from me trying REALLY hard not to download any of the new material for the sake of having the full enjoyment of listening to the entire album, compleatly new and compleatly untouched. unfortunatly, before the album came out, i was lokking for other material of yours (live covers, unreleased demos, etc.) like a rabid child and i did come across backstabber and Mrs. O. i don't know if this will please you, but, WOW. i haven't stopped listening much since they were downloaded. i have to say, after watching (and owning) The Paridise DVD and listening to you belt Half Jack out on your keyboard, your stage presence blows me out of the water everytime. i want very badly to come see you in concert, and have tired to get tickets several times but >< my schdule just doesn't allow. but i'll spare you the details... I read your last post, and even though im sure youve heard it a thousand times before, i'm so sorry about your friend ben. he obviously ment a lot to you, as would any friend. i've lost a lot of friends, but not usually to death. my friends usually decide to develop a compleatly different personality and decide im just not good enough for them anymore :/ which has happened more than i'd like to admit. i'd try to get them back, and sometimes i do, but the other thign about this is their usually the "friends" that make my life hell. they constantly make fun of me and tease me about things you wouldn't even believe! one friend once decided he didn't like me cause i wore bows in my hair! and that just "wasn't cool"... mind you that was back in like 3rd grade. i'm currently in 10th. but i've grown since then and made new friends who actually like me for me and stick by me no matter what. which i appreciate SO much. anyways... i feel like i've wasted your time rambling. so i'll stop now.

<3~~~~~~~~~jill

P.S. in my next comment, i'll tell yuo about that dream i had! :D

Tran said...

So a couple of nights ago, after a few nights of no sleep, I fell asleep and had a dream.
My lovely dream was of the Dresden Dolls' sheet music book thing. It arrived and I, overjoyed, attacked it immediately and ravished it and read it thoroughly, et cetera et cetera.
The book ended up consisting of songs that were definitely not Dresden Dolls songs, but that didn't matter because it was, after all, a dream. I was basically in the throes of ecstacy.
Then I woke up and realized I still have to wait. Then I thought, well, it'll have actual Dresden Dolls songs in it, not weird songs that I don't want to learn to play....
Just so you know that I dream about you. Haha.

I understand the "everybody dying everywhere" because that's how it's been feeling to me. Every three or four months or so, someone at my school dies. So far I haven't known anyone personally, but it's only a matter of time, right? I'm so painfully aware of the mortality of everyone around me. And of myself. I suppose I just can't protect everyone.

I don't actually know why I'm posting this comment. The picture of you and Ben is really.. just.. beautiful.

I'm buying the new CD in two days, guaranteed. I've tried twice to go to one of your shows, but both times plans fell through. I will, eventually, though. Once you're back in my part of CA.

jagged_little_p said...

And this is the about 10.000th person telling you, how great, amazing and absolutely lovely are, as far as it can be measured within the internet, which I really love and through which I've got to know so really many, many great people.
The 100.000th person you don't know telling you, that the album is extraordinary and that I'm so looking forward to buy it..
And a-not-so-very-high-numbered person who is telling you, that she absolutely is excited about especially the shows in Linz and Vienna (both Austria) which you're going to play, for I'm going to attend both of them..
I love you so dearly and I wish you all the best.
Never give up hope, for you see: people call, when they think they need to. I experience this too.
Very much love..
Petra

A Unique Alias said...

I pre-ordered on Amazon . . . still waiting.

I look forward to seeing you when you come out to DC in a few months.

Thanks for the music.

Kate said...

Your writing makes me cry, but in a good way. In a way that lets me express some sort of emotion because I have to put on my brave face all day long. Thanks for sharing your life with us all.

PS - Seeing you in Tempe tomorrow and couldn't be more excited.

schicagos said...

for what its worth...
i highly recommend:
Animal Collective, Feels(2005)

if you have the time.
it is quite excellent...

who knows?
you could win a rabbit!!
;-P

juxtagon said...

Am back with a copy of the new album, from a shop and not a pre-release copy. Love the design on it, like the way the artworks been made to look like graffiti in run-down buildings.

Only pic which lets the side down( for me at any rate) is the one in which it say "Your Ad Here" on the Moon.

I just think : The Invisibles Vol3 #1.
But then, I can't remember when Grant Morrison would have 'ripped/borrowed/been inspired by" the whole idea of Adverts beamed off the Moon thing.

But that's just me. :)

and I can't be all capitalistic an buy 45 copies for friends, family,etc as presents as I did that for someone at xmas, and to do the samething twice is just not stylish. I am taking them to the London! gig.

(London! always read/sounds better with an exclamation mark - gives it a Swinging '60's Vibe)

Go on, Amanda. Try it. Try saying "Brian, We're playing London!" then try "Brian. We're playing London." Taste the difference. and it may be a fun game to play on tour.

(45? You been at the Bill Drummond Books again? If no, you should)

the point of the last ramble was : you'll have to find someother way for me to 'atone' for hearing the album early.

and when you are "65 and aging in a dank room" you can take heart in the fact you (you're probably? don't hate me for this, or hold it against me if it doesn't pass) are one of those women who get more strikingly beautiful as they age.

So you may have the insane fan butler, the David Lynch decorated penthouse suite, be 65 and aging , but looking stunningly crystaline in a mythical Snow Queen ex-soap opera actress way; tempting young bucks up with promeses of Rare Dresden Dolls cds instead of Turkish Delight.

or something like that.

"everyone else got given Easter Eggs to celebrate the Rabbit Day, me? I got Easter Vodka ..."

juxtagon said...

oh, and bare in mind, I'm just a "mouthty Scot"

:-)

Bill Hicks said...

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me.
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality
~Emily Dickinson

Mary said...

Dear Amanda,
I wanted to thank you for sharing the picture. After reading your post I really wanted to see this special person, Ben. I get worried about you, running around all the time, and I am so glad that you are buoyed by love from people trying as hard as they can to send it your way. It's tempting to try to snag one of your signed CD's at Newbury Comics tomorrow, but I have figure painting class bright and early. Early anyway.
Blessings,
Mary

tuaregblue said...

I just heard "Sing" for the first time. I'd forgotten what it was like to have a song reach in and yank tears out of me.

Thank you Amanda.

blog do sabre said...

hello amanda! do you really read this stuff? It makes me happy to think you do :) I just read a maill from you mailing list and I'm so sad for living in Portuga :( you have so many awsome shows in the USA... I bought your CD this morning and, as if you must know, there are no words to describe it! I had already downloaded from the internet, I confess... And I'm completed adicted to it!!! You guys will be here in May 23rd and I'm afraid that, because Portugal is such a small country and nobody listens to Dresden Dolls here (I'm trying to change that fact), you make a smallest show or something, I really hope not! I can't wait much longer, I'm counting the days, I really need to see you live! I love you both!! Thanks for all that you've bringing to my life!

marek svoboda said...

You´re right, now it´s me who feels guilty and will buy the CD no matter how many copies are flying out there!
By the way, I already have a whole folder of "from Amanda" music in my iPod, consisting of bands you mention here. Neutral Milk Hotel and Sleepytime Gorilla Museum lead the pack. Thanks for spreading the word!
Looking fwd to seeing you in Prague!

Deviant said...

Amanda,

The new album is magnificent.
Couldn't have asked for anything more perfect.

Thank you.

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

A and B . . .

The album kick's some great little cheeks.

Your Tempe show . . . woohoo! "I love rock and roll" and "Science Fiction Double Feature" just shocked me in the best way possible, and my best friend and I loved waltzing to your music in the back.

Also, glad you liked the retro Elton John outfit.

Be well, sing well, live well, love well . . .

- Frankie

martin_m said...

Loved your PHX show but was quite ashamed of the fact that hardly anyone of these wankers knew Science Fiction Double Feature.
This was the third time I have had the honor and, as usual, was not let down.
I thought about your loss as you sang on stage last night...it must be a strange, yet wonderful, feeling knowing that you have this...communion..with so many people.

Much love

Gina said...

Amanda~I bought the album today--I can't wait to learn all of the songs so I can sing them, too. And yes, we need to sing out loud and fucking proudly--in public, in front of strangers and lovers and retail cashiers. I love how your two instruments make such beautiful sounds and a hell of a lot of passionate noise. Your voice is just lovely. The artwork is fantastic; I want to go explore each and every one of those old theatres.

I love the album, just love it. Thanks to both of you for doing what you do!

Tully said...

"... if I could find this place" .... ask the people. the people who read your words know where "this place" is in each city. It is there. It is waiting for you. "This place" restocks your emotional minibar. The people will know.

Tully said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
A Unique Alias said...

Frustratingly enough, Amazon dot Com hasn't shipped the damned CD yet. However, I did get a review from a friend of mine today who bought his at an actual (gasp) CD store:

"Yo. The new Dresden Dolls is pretty f**king dope. It's balls-to-the-wall without let-up until track 5, and then sweet sweet relief."

I can't take this suspense much longer.

Lights on Lonely Sidewalks said...

I've felt the grip of admiring what places I've been, where I go back from time to time, I've been away from home for about 3 years now, I've been almost all over the world, soon to be in asia here coming up, and I crave the adventure in being somewhere I've never been, but once I get there, I always think of home, and usually my idea of home, is very askiewed, because the place I was living, usually is very different from what I remember, even in just three little years. It would be nice if I could find a place that never changed, always stayed exactly the same, I remember when I was a kid, I would dream about freezing time, so everything would stay the way it was forever, I guess I still kinda feel that way. But I progress, and yes, shameless, SHAMELESS advertising there! I've been fighting against my friends (the few with good taste in music) to not download it, but alas, they did, and they tried giving it to me, very painfully, I refused, even though I'd already ordered the album, it just felt wrong, especially listening to a band that I fully support in almost every way possible. People would argue, a c.d only cost a couple dollars to make, why buy it for 15? Now a days, atleast for me, it's not about the c.d itself, its just my recognision, that A.) I love the band and B.) I'd like to continue to hear music from them, that leads me to buy c.d. that I immediatley place on my ipod and enjoy. Thanks for another gift, another album, which I'll cherish.

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

The concept of again is lovely . . . sadly, our memories of something, some place, some person, are not always reliable.

Then again, if we froze a moment, not even a minute, but literally froze time on that moment of bliss . . .

I guess we wouldn't be living. I just have this image of icicles ( I think I've botched the spelling, but I'm an AZ boy . . . I didn't see snow till I was 23)hanging off of the people we love.

I'd rather have all the sordid events mixed with the grand gliffs.

Anyway, enough philosophastering.

Be well, peeps . . .

- Frankie

Caitlin said...

Hi :)

I just wanted to leave a nice comment saying that your performance on the JK show was great! Good work :D You guys are such great live performers!

-Caitlin

TheC said...

It is the 19th. i saw you perform last night for the first time. I bought your new record.
The resonation for me in your last few posts was in the ability to communicate but not talk, the real connection in typing, and somehow, when i find that connection, speaking seems to damage it. I want to have a laptop on the metro. I have seen nowhere else where people are crammed so close together, yet remain so immensly alone.
I like your blog. I like yours and Brian's partnership in art. I like your humanity. You see the beauty in the rough edges.

EJ Wasson said...

Amanda,

I love the new music. Once again you reminded me why I love you guys.

My only negative if there are any is purely a selfish one...not enough pictures of you.

Great Job, keep it up and I will see you in Cincinnati in July!

EJ Wasson

VenomEyes said...

I just have to say, I saw your SLC show, and you guys were fucking awesome. I got the new album on tuesday, and it's incredible. Wanted to thank you for actually playing GOOD music in this world.

saleos said...

This is my first time ever attempting to contact you. Now that I am finally sitting here and typing I can't think of a damn thing to say.
How do you tell someone you don't know that you love them as much as any stranger could love another stranger? How do you tell them that their music has gotten you through so much for the past couple years? That their music is the kind of music that wrenches your heart out and smashes it on the floor but somehow when they pick it up again, and brush it off, and stick it back in, it feels better with the bruises.
There were nights when I sat singing at the top of my lungs along to your music. Miserable nights, but with you screaming at me through my speakers, I didn't feel quite as alone. Somehow you got it. Somehow you were able to sing my feelings. Totally different issues behind the feelings, but it didn't matter what you were saying, that wasn't really the point.
Just like your new song "sing", I sang those nights with you and was able to wake up again the next morning.
I can never thank you enough for the inspiration you have given me.

I'll see you at your show tomorrow night at the orpheum.
Thanks,
Ashley
p.s. Joe Bonni (my boyfriend, ex-Dig editor) would really like to hear from you. He hasn't spoken to you in quite sometime and never got a response from the old email address he has for you. If you have a minute, email him: Saleos23@gmail.com

June Miller said...

Perhaps it's because I'm still a bit groggy from some debauchery that took place last night, but I was a bit confused by this entry. I couldn't tell if you were upset or alright with the complete strangers reading and commenting on your personal life. Specifically, in this here journal. Your nightmares are a bit strange, if not oddly amusing. I don't think you were trying to diss us comment-folk in any way, so don't think I'm insinuating you did that. Like I said, it was a debaucherous night, so I'm either not reading into things enough, or reading into them too much.

I will say, though, that I was a bit hesitant to look at the picture of you and Ben. 'It's only gonna break your heart,' I thought to myself. It was heartbreaking. But it was also very lovely. Very much so.

I intend to buy your record as soon as I have the money to do so. I'm still po' folk, unfortunately.

A term in Grammar said...

Hello Amanda,

I don't think I can offer comforting words. But I do wish you all the best.


I just wrote to say that I absolutely adored your first Album. I've been toying with the idea of using "Girl Anachronism" in a drag (or perhaps gender) performance (which would be my very first). Consequently I've been listening to it for around 4 hours straight today. And I just had to drop by your site (not only because I needed the lyrics) and couldn't resist leaving a note as well.
I have no idea whether I am even allowed to use a song like that - considering the capitalist implications - but hey, even if I suck I can assure you you'll get a bunch of Israeli dyke\tranny and other pervs who probably don't know you yet to run and buy both the albums after hearing that song.

Your new Album is set to be released in Israel sometime in may. I haven't preordered. I think it's the type of record I'd wanna fondle a little bit in the store before taking it home with me.

All the very best to you.

G.

Meeralee said...

Amanda,

I saw you tonight (hours ago) at the Orpheum with my husband and I came here to leave you this note before falling into bed with your voice in my head and a genuinely warm feeling in my heart. My sincerest sorrow for your loss, and I wanted to tell you that tonight you shared a good deal of the humanity you have been finding here.

'night.

--m

Martino said...

Amanda

I'm simply amazed at your music and your style. I first heard your music on the swiss radio station drs 3 where they interviewed Brian and that's where i heard shores of california for the first time and i was completely blown away.
So i saw myself walking in the nearest music store and bought YOUR FUCKING THING (just to keep that capitalistic feeling going) and think that yes virginia is just a masterpiece!!
I am myself a piano player and you're definitely a huge inspiration! I really hope to make it to your gig on 28 may in zurich!
till then fare thee well genius!

Mike said...

So, I've realized that it's impossible for me to write this without sinking up to my neck in clichés - so I'm just gonna bite the bullet and get on with it (nobody uses dashes in their writings anymore).

Let's see, I first heard you guys a couple of months ago when a friend of mine directed me to your myspace page. Underneath the link, in his email, was the question "I'm not sure if I like these guys or not. What do you think?" While I'm sad to say that he remains a wavering fan at best, I was hooked immediately.

Slight-digression-time: I'm a happy guy, I suppose. I work in an industry that most guys would kill for and even though it's technical in nature, there's still a lot of creativity involved - so that's all good. Still, I've found that once you leave University and get into the 9-5 thang, everything just seems to get more sedated. Anyway, listening to your music awoke a creative voice inside me that had lied dormant since I backpacked around Europe on my own a few summers ago, while still in University. I had missed that voice and almost forgot that he even existed. So thanks for that.

Back-on-track-now: I like your stuff for a lot of reasons, I suppose. I'm a huge fan of the piano and I really dig the melodies you write on it. Your voice kicks ass and I love how raw and wavering it sounds - is that why people say you sing off key? People can be so stupid. Anyway, you seem like a real person and so I suppose it's easy to feel connected to your music. Whoever it was that said you shouldn't put your hand in a toilet on some video was right in one sense, I guess, but wrong in another (see the above point about coming across as a real person). Finally, I think the drum parts that Brian writes work really well with your piano playing and vocals. Kinda like peanut butter and chocolate, maybe.

I like to have a soundtrack that accompanies me in life, you know? For years it's been Ween but you've reminded me that life-altering music is still being made today, by groups that I've never heard of (thanks for the link to Regina Spektor too). Such a significant percentage of music coming out today seems to be so sterile. It's so hard to find something original, personal AND cool-sounding (usually just 2 of the 3). And, furthermore, it seemed like no one played the piano anymore.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you. Keep up the good work.

p.s. I'll be coming to see you in Edinburgh in May. Looking forward to it.

Ravel said...

My documented relationship with Virginia.

Tuesday: Received preordered CD (with ticket to Orpheum concert) in the mail. Listened once in its entirety, through speakers. Initial reaction - nothing nauseatingly weak, but no particular stand-out tracks a la "Coin-Operated Anachronism." Favorite song - "My Alcoholic Friends." Made me want to listen to the first album. Set it aside for a few days with intention of returning.

Friday: Went to concert. Reveled in charismatic high-energy stage hijinks from Amanda Doll and Brian Doll. Recognized song hooks I didn't realize I knew. "Backstabber," "Necessary Evil," and "Mandy Goes To Med School" particular favorites. "Delilah" struck me as long and unremarkable. Noticed "My Alcoholic Friends" conspicuously missing from setlist. Left Orpheum with chorus to "Necessary Evil" stuck in brain.

Saturday: Listened to Virginia through headphones. When it ended hit repeat and listened again. And again. Becoming quite intimate with her. Floored by the drumming ferocity on "Modern Moonlight" - Brian's speed metal influences are showing. Noticed presence of growling bass guitar on "Necessary Evil." Wicked gleam during madcap piano solo in "Necessary Evil." Least favorite song is "Me & the Minibar" - can't remember how it goes when not playing.

Listened again while reading lyric sheet. Sadistic enjoyment from "Backstabber," grinning at the line "don’t tell me not to reference my songs within my songs." Misheard lyric in "Modern Moonlight" - turns out not to be "rectums are bleeding for the enterprise." Completely revised opinion of "Delilah" - now consider it a work of high literature. Finale lyric "let's see how fast this thing can go" chokes me up each time. Spittle in voice for "is that a FACT" sticks right in my heart. Stayed up until six in the morning listening nonstop on repeat through headphones.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

elaine said...

Amanda (& Brian!)

You wrote, some time back about past and present crushes. A friend told me last year I was infatuated with the Dolls (well, truly Amanda but ... ). When I finaly saw you in concert (last year, in Providence), I actually stopped listening to your music for a week, the experience of your performance was ecstatic and I felt I'd had enough for a little while. So the 'crush' became something more like love?

More recently you wrote here about how you'd been unable to enjoy music, simply listening.

I immediately thought of 'Eat Drink, Man Woman', the chef who could not taste until his daughter insisted on cooking for him. For a couple of decades I didn't listen to music, my Ex didn't share my taste and was so cranky when her music wasn't playing that I just gave up. It was you and Brian who brought me back to music, and I'm truly grateful.

I'm tremendously sorry that I had to miss your gig at the Orpheum, I had commitments with my kids and their grandma. But we did get to see you at the MFA and truly loved you and the people you had with you.

I picked up 'yes Virginia' today and am entranced again. so many favorites I've heard live, and your studio work is so smooth and wonderful (and I'm sorry it was so hard to do but you should be very happy with the CD, it's awesome).

I loved you as the 8 foot bride, my kids and I have appreciated her in Harvard Square and at the Ren Faire. I've seen you about (we've got some mutual friends) and always enjoyed your presence. And I adore you and Brian and probably will always.

Thanks and thanks for keeping up the blog, it's a wonderful touchpoint for all of us who's lives you've touched so many ways.

querkus46 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
querkus46 said...

Hello Amanda Palmer,
I guess its time to stop being a voyeur and say something. I am very sorry that you have lost a friend, it must be hard. I have never had an experience similar, but I know about death and I really related to your experience with Matchbook. My college / first real boyfriend Michael died of pneumonia / video game addiction / delusion when he was 25 (we had broken up a year prior but it hardly mattered, I was still crushed and directionless for nearly a year afterwards at the thought of someone I had known so intimately no longer existing... It was partially his passing and partially my mother being diagnosed with brain cancer that pushed me over the edge. My mother is still alive amazingly enough if you want to know, and I am much better, time heals. All that was in 2000). Life and death are what they are and do what they do... I am full of useless vague ideas like that.

My reason for writing to you is to thank you for the new album and ask about certain ideas that I have extracted from your material. I am confused about what you believe about relationships and music careers. I am one of those crazy fuckers that is trying to have both. I have had this struggling band, Querkus, for 6 years. To skip details (this isn't MY blog...) we put out an EP in 2002 and got college radio excited in Canada and toured out east and were doing ok and working the work and making plans, then my musical other half, Edgar, who was also a long-distance trucker at the time had an accident in eastern Canada.. passed out and went right off the road. He's lucky to be alive. Since then we have been putting the pieces back together and I have stuck by him even though so much time has gone by without too much to show for it. It's really stolen a lot of my life... a lot changes between 24 and 28. We are finally going to record our first studio full length album this summer... I am determined that it will happen and there will be no more curve balls.

Anyways.

I'm not sure if you would say that it is possible or not to have a serious relationship and success in this most heartless of businesses (that attracts the most sensitive people...) I'm married. Not to Edgar, but to another wonderful boy named Jaimz. Been married for 2 years and commonlaw since that EP came out. We have a very strong friendship and help eachother out in all aspects of our lives. I don't know where I got this idea, but somewhere in my manic obsession with your music of the last 6 months I got the idea that I would write better music and be that much more dedicated to it if I was on my own. This made me crazy for quite awhile and I didn't know what to do about it. I suspose I have decided that you didn't actually mean what I thought you meant and the best music that I will write will be completed as myself in the life I am living that Jaimz is a part of. I have finished most of my best work since he came on the scene as proof. I suppose if he ever does dissappear the music will be perfectly devestatingly brilliant but I will concentrate on the music of this moment and love my good friend and lover while he is here.

Ok far too much information. I love the new album, I downloaded it a couple months ago I think. My husband is going to pick it up for me tomorrow. He likes to get me things and it is kind of rare that there are objects available in stores that I want to possess but your disc is one of these. I can't listen to Delilah or Sing without crying. Lots of crying and singing on the bus. Not sure what Delilah does to me but Sing is so incredibly close to home. I have been struggling with my singing and my perception of it for so long... what people say... some people say they have never heard a voice they liked better than mine, its beautiful and tragic and intense... and then there are those who say I am reliably out of tune. I hear both sides of the argument and the later crippled me for some time. I'm sure you know what tension and self doubt can do to a vocal performance (or maybe you don't??) But I wanted to give up on music. I know I am not brilliantly talented (I have also ceased to believe that "talent" exists beyond hard work), perhaps I should just be good, go back to school, finish the forestry degree and take some GIS classes... that's what's easy for me. But I have to sing. Nothing else to to it. I would rather die that give it up, I really would. I may be bitter in my old age... maybe Jaimz and I will meet you and Brian when we are all in our 70s (unless DD play Winnipeg one day and really, why would you? Of course I have all these fantasies about touring with you (you make it seem perfectly miserable but I want to do it anyways. I will send you our disc when its finished.). I would guess that I will be nearly deaf by then and he (being a filmmaker) will be nearly blind. Should be hilarious. If Edgar is still around he will be hardcore dirty old man (since he already kind of is...).

Well that's enough but I'm glad I have said it and I hope you never stop doing what you do best. I could go on forever about how I appreciate your playing technique, your dynamics and your powerful upper body strength (damn you can throttle that Kurzweil) ok enough, I have to go to bed.
much love, thanks for listening,
Karen Asmundson

C said...

I'd just like you to know that, although I am not a man, I am volunteering right here and now to be your servant when you are 65 and going crazy. As long as you don't kidnap any struggling writers.
I don't suppose buying the album on eBay two weeks before the release counts? Fine, fine.
I'd also like to thank you for sharing so much. It means a lot to me, personally, to know there other are people out there with feelings. Being in high school, I don't get a lot of that.
Peace, love, all that good stuff.

christina said...

i fucking love ananda!

Magsie said...

Went to Australia earlier this month and had a road trip along the shipwreck coast, during which I listened to the 1st CD quite a lot. Lo and behold, in the window of a clothing shop one of the tiny shipwreck towns, there was a Dresden Dolls poster announcing the release of the new album. Good stuff.

it's just me, diana. said...

I feel dumb, truely. I feel good though, because although you hopefully read these, no one else here will. I feel as though this should probably go into the previous entry but I just thought I'd tell you.

I had a friend. I'd met him briefly also, and we talked online. We got close, well you know. Everything was superb, and he was superb. Everything was just dandy. I got the call also a few years ago, and there was just something about it i've never quite let go off.

I want you to find a place, just a place that you can stop yourself from even thinking. Come home, lie down. Veg, thats the best. It humanly impossible for you to get depressed when you have such a stunning CD coming out right now [hell, i would be proud of myself like crazy.] but if you feel like you need a break, take it.

I know this is probably meaningless, but you hugged me at the show i attended. you actually made me day. my week, my month, my year. sad, but true. actually thats not sad at all. and it was in BOSTON. the best of all.


chill out man.
peace easy.
<3.

MarkFarley said...

Great album you guys... can't wait to see you at The Astoria...

Hope you guys can make Reading this year as well. It would be great to see you on the larger stage on Sunday or something but it would also be great to have you headlining the smaller tent as well. xx

jimmycity said...

Big, Fat, Hairy, 47 year old gay guy here.

I love you and your music makes me laugh and cry. You astound me.

Please take care on tour. For many of us, you are our Again.

Big Love.

entropyartist said...

You paint a tragically beautiful picture. Honest. Art. Touching.
In fact, I just opened some sort of blogger account to let you know that.
Is your accordian-playing friend Jason Webley? I heard that you play together sometimes. (my friend just might be his biggest fan)
I hope to escape the cultural blackhole of montana to see you play this summer.
Here's to hoping.

tania said...

a lot of people can, have and will make their love and admiration for you so clear.
I just would like to make this clear. 'sing'. left a lovers house who lives a few hours from me to catch the train. country link trains; green, golden tainted windows. I found batteries in my bag and listened to 'Yes, Virginia' and for two hours sat writing in my book..on a small section of the chair where someone had ripped the material bare, too. It was emotionally intense when it hit 'sing' the few times that it did. I stared at my reflection and mimed. A lady was watching.
The trip had never been that quick. So I stood up because I knew that soon I would be leaving, and stood in the middle section of the train that is blocked from the carriages. The sliding doors were slightly ajar. I stuck my nose and as much of my mouth out through the gap, and sung to 'sing' as loud as ever. The air was cold. lovely.
soon I simply stood inside the very centre of the train, and sung smiling. God. It was just fucking brilliant.
I see bits of you in my friends. I see my friends in the lyrics I now sing. thank you.

MarkFarley said...

lol... I just found out that you have confirmed for Reading that's awesome, I get to see you twice this year!!!

looking forward to The Astoria. xx

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

'Sing' has become a mantra, a way to get past my insecurities and, well, beyond singing, writing.

I, too, have sung loudly to the song in public, walking down Mill avenue, on my way to school, past the bums and crusties, the frat boys, the capitalist men. It's refereshing to feel so alive amongst the sea of dead.

Thank you, A and B, for giving us this moving song, for 'Delilah,' for 'Virginia.'

I will forever be bestowing you w/ my gratitude.

And if you want a second nurse when your going senile, and want a cute gay house boy, I'm game.

- Frankie

moussaka said...

well done, Amanda, Yes Virginia is actually the best album, of, well, my entire life. it makes me want to laugh and cry and sing and yell all at the same time, which i actually do sometimes... thanks for making my life that little (lot) bit better. $24 well spent.

hang in there, things have a way of turning out alright in the end. always.

veritas said...

i seriously promise to buy the cd very soon. i have listened to me... er... downloaded tracks with such delight, and i Was going to buy it after hearing like, three tracks. poopies to australia and the later release date. now, i have no money, and just go in and stare, longingly at it. i really will buy it. next pay. i've petted it, and looked at the pictures though! really!

i add myself to the long line of deranged fans here. (deranged in the Best possible way) reading diaries creates a great deal of intimacy with someone who is a complete stranger. you, however, have the advantage of knowing that we all here spend inordinate ammounts of time singing along with you.

or maybe that is just me.

i watched rage last night, your guest programm-y thing. bananarama makes me happy.

you get some rest, kiddo. create your own little silence.
i would recomment some cathartic, loud singing, but you do that for a living. only much better than mine.

xxxx liz
(the girl with the boy who held your beer at the brisbane, australia show)

zdenek said...

You are such pathetic creature Amanda, but I love you. Zdenek From Prague
PS: Dont try to make advertisiment, do more concerts, yesterdays one in Abaton was beyond price.

the Kill said...

Happy Birthday!

living for moments said...

Friday night I went to a friend to watch some DVDs and on the way I picked up your record. I went by bike and she lives about half an hour away. The next morning it rained like hell and it was cold and I had to go back. So on my way home soaked and cold to the point of numbness I thought about your cd tucked away safely in my bag just waiting to be listened to and i felt better. Isn't that weird? Anyway...it's a beautiful record. Unfortuantly I have a sore throat now so I can't freaking sing along but I'll have the rest of my life to do that...so I guess it's not all bad :) Thank you for the wonderful music you both.
I wish you'd come to Dresden this year. I mean, don't you have to? You took half your name from that city...it would be rude not to play there ;)
And someone else here said, that for many of us you are our Again. I agree. When I finally see you live I'll sing with you.

Das T said...

Seening you two playing again(Krems Danube festival 30 march)
was so unreal. I mean I saw You Amanda and You Brian one time in Vienna little Flex club and the other time as support for NIN were I got the feeling that most didnt give a fuck about The Dolls.
Remember? The one guy you stopped by and told you He this he is the only one you came to see the support band.
And Now this!
A concert hall full of people, singing your songs!
PEACHES thanking you for your Birthday Amanda!
Wow!
Hope you guys didnt party that much ;-)
Well I got a present for you but I got distracked by a girl and than you were gone.
Thing is I will see you on 31 of may in Vienna, so I hope to give it to you there.
"A month too late, that you Mike" my mother would saw.
But well now that I have that chance:
Amanda? do you eat meat? I asked that because it is connteced to the present and I found many musicus that dont so what say?
hey maybe i can give it to you before the show? Get there 3 hour earlier?
oh man people will get mad on my for that!
I just want to make sure that she get it damn it!
Why has your brain and yourself always have to be on war?

Katie said...

You are such an inspiration.

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss, and that photo is phenomenally beautiful.

Definitely looking forward to seeing you in Denver when you come in July. I hope you find solace in the little things wherever you happen to be.

personallog! said...

Hi Amanda, My name is Dave and I will be coming to see you play tonight here in the UK(Manchester!). I am a regular reader here and a devoted fan...bla bla bla. I just thought it was about time that I said something instead of sitting on the side lines. I have to thank you and Brian for making my life seem worth living. I have a diease called ms and its shit! But I have found a great enjoyment listening to your music....its the highlight of my day to watch the dvd and compleatly loose myself in the energy you guys show on stage. I cant wait to see you both tonight, I will be fully made up in makeup(my girlfriends idea) and I am sure I will be the only person with a walking stick. Please keep the tunes coming and once again thankyou.

Dave

Mike said...

Since my first post was completely off-topic (for this thread, anyway) I figured that I might as well follow it up with a post-concert post!

So I saw you guys in Edinburgh on Thursday. Bravo! Good call on the 'Bang On' people, and 'Devotchka' absolutely killed (bought their CD before leaving). I had to laugh, though, at the Brits in the audience when Bang On was doing their thing (I'm Canadian, and we tip, so I can pretend to be all high and mighty for a second.) This other guy and I dropped in a couple of pounds in the bucket and then... nothing. No one contributed a penny! That is, until you came on stage and told them to cough it up. Then there was this mad rush for the bucket - as if the place had been hit by a chemical bomb and the only gas masks were inside the bucket! Kind of bizarre to see how much of an affect you had on those people. Isn't it?

Anyway, the show rocked. I had a great time! Your voice sounded great and both you and Brian have really cool performing styles. Man, it was awesome! Although, I did have a scary moment at the end. When you guys left after the main set, you tossed Brian's drumsticks into the audience (cool idea). I was in about the third row and, inadvertently, you chucked one of the sticks right at me. Initially I was very excited at the prospect of assuredly catching this most excellent of souvenirs! But then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this whale of a girl in front of me turn and lunge for the incoming piece of wood. My life flashed before my eyes as she proceeded to do a full blown belly-flop right on my face. Needless to say, I didn't end up catching the stick - but I was able to brace myself for the impending impact of Moby Dick - thus avoiding any serious injuries. Anyway, the girl beside me caught the stick in the end, which is cool, cause she was really nice.

So thanks again for a great show! And, even though I probably have no idea what I'm talking about, I wanted to say that I think you have the best job in the whole wide world!

Mike

p.s. You're much prettier in person than I had expected (even though I'd seen a couple of pictures of you already). Grrrr!

Lisa Dale said...

I saw you in Dublin last tuesday. The show was amazing. I love the new album which i got 2 days before the show. i think i've mastered most of the lyrics by now. i can't stop listening to it. it's becoming unhealthy. after the show i couldn't even sleep for 3 nights because your music was reverberating through my brain (not that i'm complaining) Nobody seems to know you in Ireland, it scares and confuses me.

reading your last blog nearly made my cry. I know it must be pretty weird for you having all these strangers writing to you like this, but i really felt for you. It's horrible that you can feel so alone while your on tour. You should try to realise that each and every person staring up at you when you are performing is dying to talk to you as a person. i know that i'd love to. We're all just friends you haven't met yet. It's weird but from reading your stuff on the net i feel like i know you, even though i only discovered that you exist last summer in France.

i hope this tour isn't as lonely. you really are amazing. thank god for fake id's, we managed to get right up near the stage in dublin while the other under 18's were stuck on the balcony. Please come back to ireland in the future. i hope you enjoyed that show as much as i did. Please don't feel lonely xXx

lisa dale (from cork ireland)

P.S. i now at least one very excited french girl waiting to see you in toulouse...

fiercepeople said...

It feels strange to leave a message for someone who will probably never read it, but i think im just writing this for the purpose of self satisfaction so i can get it out of my mind.
Reading your blog, and listening to your music almost religiously, makes me feel like i know amanda and brian personally, i wish i did. I really wish i knew what to say, but i guess ignorance isnt always bliss when you really need the knowledge to say something intelligent and insightful (im only 15 if anyone is wondering) I love your music xox

Cole said...

A part of me doesn't understand why I'm going to comment; yet, something compelled me to say something today or all days.

I think I understand how you feel - the sudden loss of someone close to you. Recently, my husband and I suddenly lost a dear friend of ours and were taken back. It's a major shock to the system that you cannot pick up the phone and talk to them, you wont be able to send them an email and you can't meet them for dinner and a movie. I won't say I relate, because everyone's relationship is different with other people. Yet, I can say that I understand where you are coming from.

All the friends got together and spoke about the funny things our friend did, his children, his thoughts and his life period. The hardest time has been recently just going through the items he left us. I can't barely touch them because they are saturated with him; I feel if I take them, it's the finale, it's done and over with. If I take the items then I feel morbid, sickened and just plain weirded out. If I take the items, I will break down again and again.

It's rough, horrible and yet with the passing of a close friend I feel enlightened that for only a brief amount of time I was graced with their beauty, humility, passion, creativiness. I felt their pain, I listened to their thoughts and I was a part of their life as much as he was a part of mine. The never-ending cycle.

Okay, so now that I poured my heart out here to a stranger. *chuckles* I also wanted to say awesome job at the Columbus, Ohio show. The music was powerful as ever as well as your and Brian's antics.
I hope to catch you guys again when you back through the midwest.
Take Care and Safe Trip.

CK said...

Hiii. Your last post hit home so perfectly for me.
Wow, I´ve been meaning to write you for a while but
the words don´t ever come, so i´m just going to force
them. For the past 5 months I´ve been a foregin
exchange student living in Barcelona with a family
here, and it´s the most incredible thing of my life.
But also the hardest. It sounds maybe like touring for
you, and Again is what i feel all the time, thank you
for putting it into words for me! It´s so tough to not
see family and friends for such a long time. (Though
the internet is basically the most life-saving device
ever invented.) But at least I have seeing you guys in
concert to look foward to! And i wish i could say you
guys have seeing me at your concert to look foward to,
but somehow i don´t think i have QUITE as much of an
impact on your life as you do on mine, haha. I saw you
guys in Chicago last year and it was unbelievable, it
was like a religous experience, and I´m so looking
foward to seeing you in Barcelona in LESS THAN TWO
WEEKS! You don´t know how many times I´ve wanted to
give up here and then been like, but if i go home,
then i won´t get to see the Dresden Dolls´ concert!
and decided i could make it one more day. So thank you
so, SO, much for everything. The new cd is the only
thing i´ve listened to for two weeks now, it´s
stupendously sensational! Love,
Casey

vitamin_joe said...

Hi Amanda, I was intrigued… I am enjoying reading yr diary… I find you very interesting ( I hope that doesn’t make u feel like a butterfly pinned on a board, y’know, a specimen). I am not sure what to say. About a month ago I emailed Anton Newcombe from the Brian Jonestown Massacre when I was drunk and made a real fool of myself. The web is a beautiful and terrible thing. So I have to try and watch what I say, but I am sober…

The other night I watched the girl anachronism video about 15 times… I think that was when I was falling in love with you, or the song, or both… but at least now I am over my ‘crush’ on Eugene from Gogol Bordello…!

Anyway, I watched the vid so many times, until I just started crying… I think that was what I needed. I felt a lot of love for you. I think a lot of people feel that.

I always wanted to be a musician… I never ‘made it’. I think I would have been eaten alive… I know what you mean about not being able to listen to music… there’s too much maybe, and too much marketing… but I enjoyed listening to ‘girl anachronism’ over and over… sometimes it’s like taking a powerful vitamin, taking a big dose to fill yrself with a new energy… I think that the musicians are the modern shamans, if that doesn’t sound too pretentious… each musician or songwriter has their own set of powers to transform emotions… I really like the power or emotion in yr songs…

I wrote this in ‘word’ by the way, it capitalizes automatically…

love and peace to you and Brian, and to everyone… Vlad

Ramsey said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ramsey said...

Yeah, being alone in a crowded place is one of the cruelest teases in human existance( "Welcome to California!") Here's a little trick I use. I don't know how much mime you learned, or if you are familar with space work, but when I need to take my mind off of something in a crowded place or @ work, I just make a space object and see where it will take me. Sometimes it's an apple I eat or a pony I feed sugar cubes. It doesn't make me feel better but it relaxes me. Being isolated is tough because it's twice as hard to solve any problem, because "A mind that created a problem cannot solve it." - Albert Einstein

Redshift said...

You're playing tonight in London; and my lack of job means I can't see you. No money bags have miraculously appeared, no mercy donations have been made. I can just pray that maybe you'll come to the uk again sometime. Maybe. My life would be complete if I could just meet you.

rachel said...

go dresden dolls. =))) im new to u guys. ^^ and i love ur music! keep up the good wrk. i love you guys. =)

writingmiles said...

Shit, I love this band.

Props from a guitar store.

Jack P Toerson said...

Art for art's sake, money for fuck's sake.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I would like to know the break-down of a cost of a CD. I buy rather than download, but I'm still curious as to how much of the net price of a CD goes to the band or activities associated with the band.

A Unique Alias said...

New entry coming soon?
Hope things are well,
-AUA

Julez said...

You probably wont ever read this, but in case you do, I love you Amanda. You are so wonderful to have remembered him in this way. Now we can all join in his memory. Thank you. I hope that you and Brian will keep on producing the amazing music that I have been privilaged to enjoy. You are so beautiful, and never forget it.
Julia

trace said...

the new cd is amazing, i've about drove all those around me crazy because i've been listening to it so often.
but yea, you and brian make beautiful music and i hope you continue to do so for a long, long time. cheers.

The Not-So-Dreadful-But-Not-So-Nice Puppy Boy said...

My good woman . . . will you ever post again? I know you're a busy woman, but . . . we want to know if you are all right. We want to hear of your success!

- Frankie

lanilou said...

So y'know all of your lil readers are going to write needy comments about requiring an Amanda dose until you write again. :)

Seriously though, I hope that whatever you've been up to has been beautiful. Stay safe and well.

schicagos said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Di said...

You don't know me and I don't know you. But yes, I did download the album and I've listened to it a million and one times by now. Anyway. I am going to go out an buy just as soon as I've got the cash to spare, cuz I do buy albums that I think are fantastic. This was a fantastic album. So I'm going to buy said fantastic album. Keep on rocking the free world. The world needs more people who aren't afraid to sing about Coke and Pespi compromising.

heartstringz said...

You don't know me but I just wanted to post and say how much your diary has moved me. I love the beauty of your words, which comes across in your music as well.

I bought Yes, Virginia yesterday and I love it already. I still have my favourites on your self-titled album, however I love the messages and dark undertones to the songs on Yes, Virginia.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope your friends and your music can provide some relief and healing.

amelie said...

hello! I just want to share with you the pictures I took in your concert, in porugal, you are a very nice person :)I'll send you an e-mail with my t.shirt :) chek out my blog: www.punk-cabaret-is-freedom.blogspot.com

rockonforever said...

I don't know why, but as soon as I saw that picture, I started crying.

I said in an email that I'd be seeing the Indianapolis show. Well, the very night I went to make plans someone told me it was sold out. I was really mad...the computer about went out the window...So be sure to come back to Indy soon so I can see you guys!

You haven't written in awhile. I hope everything goes alright with the P!ATD tour.

Das T said...

Hi Amanda
hope you enjoyed my late birthday-present.
I guess you liked the wine but I dont know if you are into meat.
cause your support in vienna, said he is not sure if you like it so anyways. Enjoy the rest of your tour. Hope to see you and brain soon again.

Claire said...

Amanda,

I'm not sure you'll even read this but I just wanted to say... I am a die-hard Dresden Dolls fan but I hadn't checked up on the website or anything in awhile, and the other day I was just looking around and I noticed that you guys had a new CD out. I literally jumped out of my seat and started screaming and dancing. I am going to Hastings at exactly 5:30 tomorrow evening (my only free time for the next few days) and buying it, and listening to it on repeat. I've already heard Dirty Business because I downloaded it from some remote site somewhere, and I can already tell that this new album is going to be as good, if not better than the first.

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO INCREDIBLY MUCH!!!!!

I'm really sorry to hear about Ben's death... but as you've seen recently, there are people out there who knew him and can relate to what you're feeling right now, and you will always have support from us, your fans, and would-be friends, if I lived in Boston instead of Texas.

We are here for you, always!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Misanthropic Altruist said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
CoffeeBreak Revolution said...

"And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

click here to see your fabulous self preforming at the 930 Club last May.

Hang in there.

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