Sunday, December 12, 2004

12/12/04 - Air New Zealand

I am sitting on a plane, on the last leg of London to New Zealand. We've been flying for almost 24 hours straight.

My head is a right mess, and my body is exhausted. We've been touring almost non-stop since summer. I remember once reading studies about the effects of Rapid Eye Movement sleep interruption....when you deprive people of REM, they can't dream. When they can't dream, they can't subconsciously process their lives. Then they slowly go insane. I'm feeling something similar.

The endless travelling with no real time to stop and reflect (and more importantly, create) has stunted my mental state of being - which I only notice in flashes here or there, like an amnesiac confronted with a sentimental photo. I try not to be too hard on myself, but I get scared by the fact that I can barely concentrate on a mindless magazine lately. My brain is being reprogrammed to think in shallow, five-minute intervals.

Things have gotten even more complicated lately by the fact that Brian and I have such an intense relationship, and it's being put to the test on the road. We're often like an old married couple, bitching mercilessly one moment and then caringly wonderful the next, and the manic-depressive relationship cycle slowly but surely starts to wear me down to the point where I feel like shutting off completely just to avoid further conflict. We're possessive and jealous like lovers, without the obvious silver lining that carries most lovers through the night. This relationship is one for the fucking books, I tell'll take them years to figure out what actually happened. We barely know ourselves.

We found out yesterday that “dimebag” daryl from pantera was shot, along with the others onstage in ohio, and we were just dumbstruck. Brian was hard hit, this was an old idol of his from high school. And we ask each other, as we always do: what the fuck? what is happening to people? But we know it's the same old's been happening for years and we can only use it for what it's worth. We're here, this is it, and if we think we're heading to something bigger and better and brighter down the road, we're fools. Here we are, on stage, alive. End of story.

I hate plane food. I want vegetables.

We're barely able to believe what's going on in New Zealand and Australia....the album is blowing up and we're in heavy rotation on MTV and the national alternative radio station, triple j. Most of the shows are sold out. I'm not even sure what to expect. The last time I was in Austrlia it was 2000 and I was on my own, performing the Eight Foot Bride at the Adelaide fringe festival. I almost got arrested twice.

On a brighter note (I should tattoo “don't post under the influence of less than 5 hours sleep in a 48 hour period” to my left hand), I've developed a new art form that keeps me from feeling I am entirely creatively zombified on the road. Together with Manta, who came on the tour to do morning martial arts exercises ( in addition to being the offical tour videographer, we have been carving out the framwork of a revolution in bad taste and narcissistic media.

It is called Karaoke Verité.

It fuses the art of film with the kitsch of karoake and basically amounts to me making ridiculous lipsyched videos in my free time as a kind of emotional/physical travelogue. For the time being, I am using the music of other artists. You can take a stab. The first one will be posted by christmas, I hope. I hope she doesn't sue.


mike e said...

i just wanted to comment saying thank you for the amazing show you and brian put on at the cargo in london on the seventh. and hey, get some sleep!

RIP dime. it may not be the best thing to say, but atleast this way he'll NEVER be forgotten.

thanatos said...

You know you really shouldn't make your personal so public - much as I love to hear it, we're not really worth it (unless it's all fabrication, in which case go girl!).
The 'celebrity' will always fascinate and repulse in (almost) equal measure. I was at the Manchester UK gig (wonderful!) and wanted to stay to talk to you and B but something made me leave - what the hell would I say that you haven't heard before? "So, been up these parts before?......".
Ask yourself, would Avril talk so candidly?

Jeff Wolf said...

Just sitting here at work listening to your cd and reading this journal! All ican say is you sound as though you will be comming away with alot of inspiration for your next recording. That is after a couple of months of rest! Looking forward to seeing you on New Years Eve here in San Diego.

tiptheblackspot said...
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tiptheblackspot said...

Amanda, sleep! SLEEP! rest, stay in boston and play in arlington center *wink wink* for a month or so, and sit with tea and be creative, then you will be all rested up for traveling the world again
I wish I had the gusto to whack off in my physics class while still stuck here in highschool
I just met someone who has been to your house, I was at a community farm in Lincoln and she worked there, I cant remember her name at this moment, but she told me you have a tree in your house, a trunk going through the whole thing, that must be beautiful!

everyone here in Boston loves you, sleep and feel better

Meredith said...

relationships are hard. me and my bf took a roadtrip this summer... needless to say the first half of it was nonstop bickering and complaining. i blame both of us equally. though, the last half was more than worth the whole trip, for we found our new past time adventure of discovering the pleasure of "coming together" in rare and public places around the states. once we were back i thought we would hang away from eachother for a while, but being apart wasn't an option anymore. don't worry A, after this adventure, all the shit will flush away.

klare said...

i can't believe Melbourne sold out! i have been waiting for my day job pay day so i could come see you guys play Ding Dong on friday....i'm a performance artist/poet ( who LOVES LOVES what you guys do. I am making this personal plee PUBLIC....please please please please any chance of getting in? I could come in geisha punk character (kind of frenetic gestural artaud meets marcel). anyway, have a great gig. klX

Seb D. said...

sorry to hear about your lack of sleep, i'm going through a bit of non-sleeping myself (self inflicted) it's horrible, i feel like a zombie.

Sllod_Nedserd said...

To Klare who posted at 9:14,
one of my friends had to bail at last notice so we have one ticket loose. My mob number is 0438396412 so txt me identifying yourself tomorrow and we'll see what if we can make contact before the gig (that is if the ticket hasn't
already been snaffled up).

*hugs* for Amanda and Brian, y'all rock the Kazbah!!! I can't wait to hear and
see you tomorrow night, I'm sure it'll be great, no matter what:-)

miriam said...

Touring sounds like a bitch and a half.
I tried everything I could to get a fake I.D for your Brisbane gig, but no luck. The guy who was meant to get it dissapeared off the face of the earth.
My friend James is seeing your sydney show tonight, without ever hearing a track of yours, simply because i told him too. He better like it.
I just wanted to thank you so much, as your music, as well as the amazing visuals you couple it with, have inspired me to create a "photographic cabaret" for my final year art project in high school. I dont know if that term is valid, but its a pretty adequate description.
Best of luck with your career in the future, and thankyou once more.
With love, mim.

Scott said...

I appreciate your openess.
I appreciate what you do for us.

You must have time to unwind though. None of us wants you to burn out and stop performing.

I love you guys!
Your newest fan,

Lollipop Gestapo said...

I've done the 24-hour flight between countries about twelve times in my life, and each time it's driven me to madness. I couldn't imagine what it must be like to travel so furiously, and then perform. You have my sympathy.

I went to your Brisbane show one night ago, and it had a profound effect on me. Thank you both so much for performing so well. It was truly unbelivable, the beauty of your words and music. :)

I wish you coherence and chamomile. <3

Stay Strange said...

I turn 18 in a month and missed the show in Melbourne because of it! Ahh that was a tear worthy week i assure you. Please return to Melbourne as soon as possible and i will be right there knowing all your lyrics and staring at you in awe. The talent you both possess is breathtaking. Love you!

Jo said...

The Annandale show completely blew me away, something that no band has done since...I can't even remember the last time. I really like the live album too, but I have no idea who Barry Lydon is. Can anyone enlighten me? The contortionist was awesome too! But the supports. The less said...

Thankyou dolls, Amanda has inspired me to keep making music, intelligent, dramatic music with a sense of humour. And they're both gorgeous too.


Laurie said...

I really hope after all of this is will still appreciate everything..and not be bitter about it. If i were you...I'd be like "fuck it.." by now. :-*

Kelsey Jarboe said...


I live in Acton, MA. I think you'll actually know where that is. Not too many people do. You may or may not remember me from a couple of Boston area shows, for example the Avalon around Halloween. I believe I kissed your hand and asked you to marry me. In Paris. You laughed.


I want to thank you for several things.

1.) Helping me come out of the closet as a piano lover, and now I attempt to play. I'd -like- to learn to read music... But none of it makes any sense. It's like reading a menu in Chinatown.

2.) This past year has been full of surprises and dumb fucks. You... touch things that need touching. Let's all hear it for those three little words, as I once saw someone write them, "Statue-Tory Rape".

Just... Thank you for that.

3.) Look, I drew a picture of you.

4.) These are no longer thanks, but I think you understand. If you're feeling easily amused, try or

5.) All else fails, just explode.

Much love,

--tait jarbeau

thanatos said...

Christ people, calm down on the hero worship. Yeah, its a long flight. Yeah, I'm sure she's knackered but she'll get over it (there ARE more exhausting things she'll have to do in life, and she'll manage that as well). Yeah, touring and performing and keeping civil and smiling to countless idiots who want to tell you how much they love you, are inspired by you, want to be with you etc etc must be a drag, but hey, she ain't doing it for free you know.
Now don't get me wrong - I love the Dresden Dolls - wonderful band, amazing songs, awe-inspiring performances. But come on - Amanda is having a rough time, sure its awful but she will get over it and move on to bigger and better.
Can I get some 'Perspective' here?

Ju said...

Dresden Dolls-
I honestly cannot say I've read such a candid, yet entertaining account of the life of a celebrity I've admired (with the exception of kurt cobain's published writings. but yours makes sense).

Anyway, I'd like to say thanks to both you and Brian. Probably this comment will get lost amongst the voices of others. Ah well. Count yourself lucky that your fans don't post things like "oMfG u GyS wRaK!!!!!111@". Anyway, good luck and keep up the good work.


Beca said...

I was really gutted that your show in auckland was a 18+, and i only found out the day before!! But i watched the interview with you and Brian on 3news on Nightline. Would you believe it, they called your look "goth" o_O;. Hope your trip to the next stop is better than travelling to lil ol' NZ.


Donna is Dead said...

pick up some nyquil, its beautiful. by the way, you inspired me to create my own blog. so, if you are reading this amanda by the way, i don't think i ever thanked you for helping raise money for kindred (aha, a clue sherlock) so thank you!

OneHundredYears said...

Love the album, love the music. 'Truce' is among my favourite songs ever. Etc, etc, etc. OK I think that's enough arselicking now...
Oh, and you really should cover The Time Warp... :-D

Jessie Of The Awesome Clan said...

Hello. I must say, I was terribly disappointed not to see you on your recent trip here (Australia), but due to the fact that the Melbourne show, at least, was overage, and I wasn't to spend a night on my own with my sister's ID in a bar I'd never been to on my birthday, I sadly missed out. However I would like to say thank you for all your hard work and wonderful music-ing, it is appreciated very much.

Tess said...

wow... 5 hrs of sleep for two days.. i always have to get at least 10 hrs per day or else i get cranky and people don't like me.

i was actually going to go all swoony fangirl on you right here, but i see that 33 other people beat me to it. so instead i'll just remind you that you guys rock major socks, even if you can't sleep on planes (by the way, those sleeping pills they sell at airports really work). keep the good stuff coming.

p.s. i'm a bit young, but is there any way i can slip into the 21+ san diego show on new years? i promise i won't bring a gameboy..

drmondo said...

Hi guys. Quick advice, get some sleep, wake and get some coffee, and come play a show in Cleveland. We've a got a lovely place for you to crash at, and friends to bring to said show. Hope all is well, and take care til then! Oh, and Amanda, I hope you're over the traumatic 10 year reunion...I just skipped mine, cause I decided after readining your post that it was my doom wrapped up and presented to me. No tricks for me...

Kitri said...

This comment doesn't have to deal with this post, or any posts specifically. This is only the second time I have visited this site, and somehow I feel strangly at home. It's somewhat my guilty pleasure, the polar opposite of you with Avril. I don't claim to be a die-hard fan of the Dresden Dolls, in fact, I have only heard one of your songs once. My friend recommended you to me, said "Sounds like something you'd like Kit, completely part of no genre whatsoever" and when I heard "Coin Operated Boy" I listened hard, and actually liked it. I'm not one for really LIKING much music I hear the first time. So, the same friend who recommended the Dresden Dolls to me is now buying me the CD as a Christmas gift, seeing as I am too broke to buy anything for myself. Now, your site and journal has become my guilty pleasure not because I haven't really listened to the music, but because it is totally unexpected of me. I am your typical American teenage girl, considered to be completely wiped of any thoughts other then "Oh My God, is my make-up still on right?". Except I am not that teenage girl. And in my mind, something else is just itching to make it's way out, but it just can't seem to find the right way. And through reading your journals, I seem to connect, weirdly, through your thoughts. It's someone like me. A very mature me. So now that I have almost posted a whole entry myself, I'd like to end with a thank you. Thank you for putting your thoughts out in the open, it helped me. Thanks for being that little guilty pleasure.

caroline said...

hi amanda!
my friends and i talked to you at your houston show.
i just wanted to say that a) i really love the dresden dolls...cos yalls music is like the subconsicous mind being spoken and b) you guys are super nice in person...which is vurry unusual cos most people just act like get out my face freak. so yall are cool.
oo and thirdly, i really love your journal. its very introspective but it makes me feel better about my journal and ramblings. it seems that the thoughts and doubts i ahave are normal because some else has them
but thanks
happy consumer holidays

::Kat:: said...

I'm going to your show in Lawrence on New Year's Day. Huzzah. Sweet site, and even sweeter cd. You are officially up there with my favorite bands. Good times. Nothing left to say except...Party On.

Shan said...

I am amazed you have an on-line journal. Personally, I think that is awesome... Makes it seem like you are a real person and not just some industry-generated being for others pleasure.

Sleep while you can... And as long as you talk in your sleep, you'll know you've reached REM...

GreyDorian said...
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GreyDorian said...

"let posterity show that a very valiant attempt was made at some point in the early 2000's by a group of people, musicians, aritsts, performers and common folk to fight against the overwhelming ennui of the cultural climate. the folks a few decades down the road may find the same inspiration from our efforts."


If I didn't know any better (and I certainly don't), I'd say you've hit it rather close to home here... Mind if I get this quote as a tattoo? Words to live by...


GreyDorian said...

"The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's aim. The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new material his impression of beautiful things.

The highest as the lowest form of criticism is a mode of autobiography. Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault.

Those who find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope. They are the elect to whom beautiful things mean only beauty.

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.

The nineteenth century dislike of realism is the rage of Caliban seeing his own face in a glass.

The nineteenth century dislike of romanticism is the rage of Caliban not seeing his own face in a glass. The moral life of man forms part of the subject-matter of the artist, but the morality of art consists in the perfect use of an imperfect medium.

No artist desires to prove anything. Even things that are true can be proved. No artist has ethical sympathies. An ethical sympathy in an artist is an unpardonable mannerism of style. No artist is ever morbid. The artist can express everything.

Thought and language are to the artist instruments of an art. Vice and virtue are to the artist materials for an art. From the point of view of form, the type of all the arts is the art of the musician. From the point of view of feeling, the actor's craft is the type. All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.

Those who read the symbol do so at their peril. It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital. When critics disagree, the artist is in accord with himself. We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.

All art is quite useless."


I think if Oscar was alive today, he wouldn't miss a show...

Keep up the good work, you two.

You ARE where it is at.


D-Thinker said...

CONGRATULATIONS - i just read that on channel 4 teletext you have been put on the list for top new acts of the year in Engaland, in his review he compared you to sisters of mercy. Nice to see a bonus vid in your album, i really liked the design, as with the look of your site. Also i-tunes have released your single, but i could not download it because it was restricted to the U.S market. There is a BLOG-RING dedicated to 'DRESDEN DOLLS' at XANGA.COM, i did not create it, but i did join it. I do play the guitar, but just basic level really-i just play piano music on it-i have a problem with timing. I have an e-book on the Japanese guy who played the piano theme for the Bowie film 'MERRY CHRISTMAS MR LAWRENCE' - there is a nice tune, i have forgotten the site i got it from.

darren said...

Well done, your music is just so spankingly brilliant, and a perfect subsitute for my Nirvana withdrawls. I want more though. More. I'm so annoyed I didn't see you play in the UK, I could positively cry.

elodie said...

just to tell you:
your music is the best music i have EVER heard. Its my favorite. I'm addicted to it. Its the best.

Dark88Poet said...

hello, i just wanted to wish you guys luck and say that you are rock stars in all the ways that count. Why should you have to booze away your talent to prove it.And i think its amazing that you find time within your buzy scedule to excersise while i have all the time in the world and still manage to grow increasingly fat. And avril lavigne is scarely addicting. 8)


• When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off" - Stephen Kin