Thursday, August 10, 2006

imagine all the panic (!)

my body is heaving a kind of relief that it's never known before.

it's so hard to relate to anyone, even those who know me well, the combination of good and bad and evil i've been whizzing through in the past five weeks. one minute, playing in front of vapid mallrats who are alternately ignoring us and screaming at us. seeing the look in brian's face (he is, in my humble opinion, one of the top drummers of the century) after kids scream at him "YOU SUCK!!!!" after his heartwrenching drum solos. dressing rooms with no food, and sometimes no water, fluorescent lights, no trees, no quiet, no soundchecks, the haze of nothing to do in the middle of giant parking lots that stretch as far as the eye can see. squeeeeeeeling fourteen-year-old girls hanging around the tour buses all night, hoping to catch a glimpse of a panic member. trying to relate to the boys in the band, mostly not getting anywhere. the bus starting to feel like a cage.

the next minute, getting in a cab for Fuck The Back Row, into the arms of our fans, watching our little world growing slowly, as it does, step by step, friend through friend, word by mouth. being so exhausted i can barely stand. feeling the realness of a makeshift vaudeville theater dressing room instead of a corporate cubicle, laughing with the drag queens, watching all the beautiful art that people are making and bringing, wanting to spend more time with every person i meet, not wanting to go back to the bus. ever. feeling the difference between being on stage in front of three hundred people listening, slowly, versus being on stage in front of 3000 people chewing gum, blinking wildly and texting.

and mostly, moving too fast to feel anything. seriously. emotions just shutting down and assuming they'll have time to manifest at some later date.

the panic tour did have it's bright spots. the boys themselves continued to be gentlemen and sweethearts, and i got to know ryan (the guitarist and songwriter that i had over to the cloud club, see last long blog) a little better. i felt like i had something, anything, in common with him....he has an artist's head, i said, he thinks in lyrics, he likes to wear wild make-up (but had never heard of adam ant?? i tried to rectify and gave him an adam ant mix, but who knows if that'll do any good)...he must be from a similar planet. he grew on me. we sat down one night after a particularly harrowing show and i decided we'd fight fire with fire and start covering "imagine" by john lennon. so what do you think, when all this is going on? you've sold a million records, the girls scream your name....what the fuck is happening in your head? what's going on? we talked about wsriting on the road, how it's impossible. how there's no mental space to get to the place where you can possibly articulate an idea. he looked at me and told me that he'd never talked to another artist about this before. there's not that many of us, you know. you're writing this, performing that, whatever. the struggles are the same. i close my eyes, i see myself in the same way. i wish i had someone to talk to who has been through the same thing. maybe ben folds will call up randomly.

ryan learned "imagine" and we played it on stage with us the next night, and instead of people throwing water bottles at us, i think they were just really confused. i was hoping for water bottles. you win some, you lose some. at any rate, any irony was lost. note to self: this crowd doesn't yet "get" the irony thing. was it their age or their parents? brian and i would discuss this. will they learn to appreciate irony, at some later date? the answer at the end of the night was a pretty firm "no fucking way". a lot of these kids were attending a concert for the first time. for many it was the second. their first concert? the polls revealed: britney spears. i'm dead serious. so we covered "hit me baby" nightly as well, with brendon from panic on vocal. irony lost, but what good fun!! if the tour had continued, we were going to work on "living on a prayer". we tried to have fun. we did what we do. take lemons, make lemonade. take situation, make art.

two years ago, when we were touring europe and i was at my wits end, thinking that the band was going to break up, thinking that it was all over and that brian and I had had enough of each other for good, i found a bright spot in listening to avril lavigne's new record and deciding to make a fake video out of the song "together". you've seen the results (if you haven't: www.dresdendolls.com/music/karaoke/index.htm). it was truly cathartic. i don't think anyone really believes me when i say that. having a project like that to throw myself into saved me. the song, with all it's adolescent cheese and overproduction, gave me a wormhole back to 15-year-old self, the lonely confused one eating her lunch in the piano practice room.

this tour felt the same way. brian and i were getting along fine. we were bonded through our vehement frustration of a common enemy, the panic fans. we went out on stage every night ready for battle. but i turned to myself for a solution, and i foudn it in this: why not make a video with these guys? they're here, they're bored like we are, they're hilarious. so we did. we decided to film a home-movie video of the two bands trying to kill each other, spy vs. spy style, and the results will be forthcoming. they were all excellent actors. the label nitpicked us until we couldn't handle it anymore and the deal was broken. we aren't making a "real" video for our next single. backstabber. what's more real than this?, we keep asking. nothing.

a week before the tour ended, we got the call in seattle that ryan's dad had suddenly died. his only close family. he was an only child and his mom was out of the picture. our hearts sank, we sat in the bus and all looked at each other at a loss for words.

they canceled two shows. we almost didn't want to get the call that the shows were on, because we assumed that that would mean that ryan had been talked into coming back on tour when he should be at home, dealing. dealing with who, with what? ryan came back on tour after three days off, we finished up in california. the whole crew felt strange, their whole gang seemed out of sorts. no wonder. i took a long walk with ryan around the parking lot in anaheim. i felt like the whole world had been thrown at him, in all it's shitty ugliness, and what could i say? better to say nothing. we walked, saying nothing and occasionally something. we started at the hooters billboard, hoisted 5 stories in the air to reach the passing traffic from the highway. we waled to the bud light billboard, hoisted 5 stories in the air to reach the passing traffic from the highway. do you have anyone real to talk to? i will. i'll talk to you. when you're ready. don't lose me. i'm an ally. really. i hugged him and i went back to the bus, getting into my bunk with a heaviness i couldn't describe.

................

back in my apartment, i face the classic bullshit of myself and my expectations of myself. ben folds called last night. he emailed a week ago, raving about our records and asking if we would share the stage with him at the sydney opera house when we're down there in a few weeks. we attached like long lost siblings, the same sense of self-what, the same instrument hanging us up by it's strings. we talked for two hours, ranting and raving and laughing with each other about this treadmill of sings and recordings and touring that we've been on. he's an ally. he was in tomorrow, in adelaide. i was in today, in boston.

i wander into my bathroom and look at myself naked in the mirror. not bad, i say. you're fine. go to bed.

i put on my kimono, pretend to be romantic, sit down at my computer, pour an apple martini and read the short story one my best friends sent me weeks ago, i havent had time to read it on the road with all the mental clutter. i close my eyes halfway through, drag my finger along the frame of the screen which is warm and silver, and think to myself: now, enjoy yourself. it's quick. it's over so quickly.

.....................

every time i come home i feel the same stressful triptych, quadrupltych, of feelings and prioritues all in conflict with each other. be with your people. move forward, write music and make things. catch up and stay on top of managing the band. rest. amanda. the night i got back i went out with pope and the house and we drank and smoked cigarettes until i came tumbling into my apartment with becca. i threw on one of my favorite king missile discs and sang at the top of my lungs to "as i walked through queens". i still miss listening to music. i can't do it on tour. then we lip-synched together, creating impromptu videos to the entirety of "under my skin". thank god she knew most of the lyrics. becca had made a july mix for me and we listened to it but i was unable to pull myself away from the piano, playing along with every chord to every song by razorlight, the eels, the french kicks, and rilo kiley. becca! you're too hip for your own good. they're just chords!!! she can play piano the way i can't, i've seen her sitting at the piano and reading music. show-off. she was in drunken awe of my ability to sit and play chords by ear. we'll trade, i said. someday.

.....................

the sheet music book is finally out, it's released about two weeks into the tour and my mother emails. she's upset. she feels like i painted a not-so-flattering picture of her, my step-father and the beloved steinway i grew up on.
my mother was like any mother. how can i say this? i love her. but i saw her as a constant artistic obstacle as i was growing up. how could it be any other way? she gave birth to me, carried me in her womb for nine months. the buddha once said (i paraphrase) "we can carry our parents on our backs for our entire lives and never repay the debt". i feel the same way. my mother and my step-father gave me all the tools, for better or worse, that made everything possible. i love them more than i can possibly ever articulate. the teenager in me will always scream in defiance. but i've seen the alternative, and they're not on the dark side. they're on the side of the force. and for that, i will be eternally indebted. my mother brought me to music. she fed me music, by making me sing, even when i didn't want to. and it was that action that solidified the performer in me. mom, i know you're reading this. i love you. thank you.

.........................



today i woke up at one o'clock in the afternoon and went straight out to shoot filler for our homemade video with pope and brian. we went over to the steinway dealership in boston to shoot some footage of brian trying to heave a grand piano out of the window (onto, poetically, ryan's head). the guy who worked there offered to show us a secret, if we came back at 6. we went and shot on the beach, then went back, burning with curiosity. he let us in, the staff were gone. underneath the steinway store on boylston street, two stories undergroung, is the first concert hall in boston. it's decrepit, water-damaged and pink, and utterly beautiful. filled with dead pianos and filing cabinets, and seated about four hundred in it's day, including the balcony. poe and brian and i (and brianna and julian, who came along for the trip) wandered through it....doors leading into blackness, the floorboards ready to give out into the 6th circle of hell, mozart and beethoven and schubert all embalmed in the script at the top of the walls...and at the end of the theater, a little stage the size of a flatbed truck. why was the stage so small, i asked. piano concert hall, he answered, no need for more space. i know where we're doing our next photoshoot.

.................

two drops of peppermint oil in a bottle of water is fucking excellent. a massage thearpist showed me the way.

.................

i only have another six days at home. i want to make love to my tea kettle, i want to go to the museum of science and see the bodies exhibit. i want to drink apple martinis and smoke cigarettes and read books by bill bryson. but i feel like i should learn a new german song for our upcoming tour, finish the ideas that are in my head for songs that planted themselves there on the road, deal with the business of life and keep my interview appointments, clean the closet, take my boots in for repair. who will fucking tell me what to do? i need someone to tell me what my priorites are, because i sure as hell don't know. i want to go back to harvard square and stand there, painted white, for strangers to see. i bought my cambridge street perfomers' permit, on a whim, the last time i was home. maybe i will. i miss myself.

.................

i buy thom yorke's new solo album, the eraser. and read his interview in spin magazine.

"so, mr. yorke, you seem upset about the fact that the world is ending, that we're all about to die in a glorious combustion of greed and selfishness."

"yes."

ha!

i light another cigarette and keep typing.

...................

while on tour, i listen incessantly to the kaiser chiefs' record. it's excellent workout music. especially on the elliptical machine.

i light another cigarette.

...................

32 comments:

wuirbqirbi said...

Amanda,

your posts are so human. this one almost made me cry, though i'm not sure why. humanity is fragile. it can be terrifying to the point of tears.

wishing you and brian well, hope to see you both in Down Under soon. :)

Nixx said...

Amanda, I feel almost obligated (as a Panic! fan AND a Dolls fan) to apologize for the way you and Brian were treated throughout the majority of the tour. It upsets me greatly that the ignorant bunch managed to make the most horrible first impression, therefore making us all look that way. But I promise, some of us aren't so bad, and after reading several concert reviews I saw that you guys won over a hell of a lot of new fans.

I'm also in awe of how you dealt with Ryan. I'm so glad that you two could connect like that, and that he had such amazing and supportive people by his side after his father passed away. You have such a way with words, so I am not at all surprised that he was able to talk to you and that you could understand one another so well.

I really hope to see you and Brian back in Toronto soon, because I was blown away when you played here in July.

-Nicole

jane said...

amanda,
long time reader of your blog, first time commenter! pop!

i was lucky enough to see Fuck the Back row in LA on the last night of the tour. i felt so happy to be there with you guys, celebrating art and life and drinking my very expensive drink. it was beautiful. thank you for doing it.

also, if you're getting into the peppermint oil can i Please tell you something i've never told anyone: i make my own mouthwash. fill a glass bottle with water, add 6-10 drops of peppermint oil, 6 drops tea tree oil and shake it up. sometimes i also add clove oil.
oh and go see the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I just saw it and it made me cry and laugh which is exactly what i needed. maybe you do too.
sorry this is so long.

jane said...

amanda,
long time reader of your blog, first time commenter! pop!

i was lucky enough to see Fuck the Back row in LA on the last night of the tour. i felt so happy to be there with you guys, celebrating art and life and drinking my very expensive drink. it was beautiful. thank you for doing it.

also, if you're getting into the peppermint oil can i Please tell you something i've never told anyone: i make my own mouthwash. fill a glass bottle with water, add 6-10 drops of peppermint oil, 6 drops tea tree oil and shake it up. sometimes i also add clove oil.
oh and go see the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I just saw it and it made me cry and laugh which is exactly what i needed. maybe you do too.
sorry this is so long.

Mr.Cerne said...

A . . . I swear, my heart swells w/ love for thee. Truly . . .

You make life bearable, and I connect w/ your situations, though we live two very, VERY different lives . . .

Life's been, well . . . imagine getting hit by a truck full of Christian scientist and then having them explain to you that it was God's work and that if you just believe, all will be well, and all will be better, and thinking to yourself: hey, ya know, fuck, ouch, this hurts . . . they're right; they're wrong! Fuck it all . . .

And in the middle of it all, lying on the ground as an image of Christ glides across the gray-hued sky, he, laughing and riding a bicycle, followed by Satan on a pogo stick, you giggle. You mentally throw your hands up in the air, having lost the capacity to actually move your hands, and say 'fine . . . sod off.'

And you think about how you love life with all its sadistic irony . . .

Irony's a good thing. Don't worry about the kids. Some of the fans will grow up, mature, undersatnd what irony and satire are.

Infinite Love to you and B . . .

- Frankie

jimmycity said...

Amanda,

You continue to stun and amaze me. That you are willing to sit down and blog about what you are going through, in a voice that makes each of us feel like we're your bestest friends, is a gift that I cherish.

I've begun singing "Sing" when I get together with friends and the old guitar gets passed around. For what it's worth, I follow it with NIN's "Hurt" (by way of The Man in Black), and my friends are as captivated with your music as I am. You said it: "friend through friend, word by mouth".

All the best to you and Brian!

June Miller said...

I can guarantee those people you meet want to spend as much time with you as you do them.

Have you ever added a bit of lemon juice to water? That's the only way I drink it, pretty much.

I sometimes get scared when I see how much you guys tour. Please don't die of exhaustion. I'm glad to see y'all are coming back to San Francisco, though. I'll be sure to say hello, again, though I won't be surprised if you can't remember me. It happens.

I hope the both of you rest well, while you can.

Iris E. said...

Amanda,

I wrote a song for you. And I'm finally just going to post it. I'm fucking nervous, really nervous of what you might think. I'm way too used to every one in this world assuming the worst and I hope you don't help that reality come any more alive.

The song is more a poem as I haven't put it to music, and I don't know if I will. It all depends on wheather or not you permit it as the song is about you, and for you.

It might seem arrogant, assumeing, despairing... But then I think of your music. It's not much different it how it may 'seem'. I'm really not sure what impression you will get but it will seem something it wasn't intended, I imagine, to some if not most people. You may be different. You might understand it. Suddenly I feel hopeful. And I can only hope you can find the original love in which this poem was written.

My Dear Amanda,

She watches her dreams unravel in front of her,
Her ideas, her framework, her plan all unravelling, too.
But Amanda, it was you.
What now am I to do with my life?

On one side of the globe there is a girl.
It is me, and I'm tired,
But wired awake because I'm finally inspired,
Once again.

And on the other side of the globe there is a girl.
And it is you. And she is tired,
But wired awake because she has already been hired,
By the zoo.

You animal, you.

I don't know what they're telling ya',
Those people there inside that zoo,
But you're wounded,
And they can't cure it.

There is no cure for you.
You are so beautifully flawed that not even death could harm you.
Remedied, you're no good to me Amanda.
She keeps on doing what she does because...
Well, enough of because.

Don't be afraid, Amanda.
You don't have to rhyme all the time.
Don't feel your writing is going to suffer,
Because you're happy.

You're happy, (you might be) you're happier than me,
You're happy, (you might be happy) you're doing more than I am,
You're living the dream,
So don't seem... so, so sad.

A person bare-faced will tell you a lie,
But a person in a mask will be truthful.
I've got something to say,
If you want the advice;
Mask or no mask the truth,
Is in the eyes.
And you can't put a mask over dead eyes,
Or else you find yourself blinded.
And blind people are easy,
They're easy to see.
And you are not one of them,
Not entirely.

Don't feel alone, Amanda.
Don't be too sensitive to the light.
I'm not going to say to stop what you're doing,
You make your choices just fine, girl.

I understand.

I don't do this for you,
But I would be your muse,
You are not as mad as you may seem.
You are not as sad as you may be.

You are not your Mom.
You are not your Dad.
You are not your body.

Don't be hard on yourself, dear Amanda,
You are beautifully flawed.
Just think of all the blind, and the fragile,
The impressionable.

My dear girl,
It appears that,
You are like God!

fin.

Not my best poetry, but I couldn't believe you when I found you. If I showed you a picture of my lover and I this Hallowe'en you would laugh. We're esentially dressed up as you and Brian, but with third eyes. Funnily enough, I hadn't heard of you yet. And I had made plans to take over (to effect) the world of music, as you have in a major way, him and I. I had considdered the painting of the faces, hense why I say 'what am I to do now with my life?', though that is more for sake of conveying a feeling that was easily delt with and which I have moved on from, continuing to forge new plans.

I would like to explain my poem a little more. Some was based on a magazine article, your feelings on the tours being more draining than sinpiring, and I wondered if you were happy, could you write well? Then I was told some one read the you were indeed, feeling happy about your current state in life in many ways, and that it was affecting your attempts at new songwriting. I'm not sure if any of it is true, even what I read with my own eyes, but I can imagine the versatility of emotion going on in your mind.

I hope you liked it.

i'm still nervous, and all i want to do is inspire you to continue. To look upwards.

"Repugnant is a creature who turn an eye from Heaven conscious of his fleeting time here." - Tool.


And I'm not a God damned Christian.

Try reading books in the bus. The books that inspire you the MOST to help alleviate the feeling of a cage. Use the Yoga you enjoy practicing as psychological Ritual to transform the cage into a boundary between you and the outsiders who can't feel you; make it your sanctuary. Decorate it, even more as I imagine you have already. At least it has A.C.. Shit, I hope it has air conditioning!!

You won't always be this same bird which you are now, but you will always have wings.

Take it easy Sister,

Vi.

Gina said...

Amanda,

My friend Alanna and I were at the last FTBR show in L.A. last Wednesday. We asked for autographs after the show, which you both graciously gave, and Alanna gave you "a hug for success". You were so, so tired...Brian was very sweet in what he said to me, thanking me for thanking him. I just want to say thank you to you and Brian for being personal--signing autographs and hanging with the fans a little bit, even though you were both toast (from doing two shows back-to-back). It means so much to be able to tell you in person how much your music influences me, because it does, in such a huge way. So--big Thank You and much respect to you for doing that.

The show was just amazing! Loved your new songs and renditions of the soundtrack songs, especially "Mother". All the other acts and films were fantastic, too--a lovely evening! I hope you are able to do it again next year.

Glad you're able to be HOME now! Must be delicious...(:

Take care,
-Gina

Natalie Rose said...

I get that way too, where I just get so overwhelmed that I need someone to tell me what my priorities are. Is it work? Is it health? It is friends and family?

Well, friends and family usually win for me. But I still think I need to work harder at keeping up ties, especially since I know they won't call me or write to me... so I guess it's suddenly my job. They're too busy, but I'm not or I oughtn' be. My Mom says whenever she calls me up at school, it sounds like I'm always catching a bus.

So, health and work get to fight to the death. Work usually wins except for those nights when I'm so confused as to what I ought be doing I just burst into tears, pass out on my textbooks, wake up with a crink in my neck and think-- something's gotta change.

I'm so afriad that everyone and everything else is growing and changing and for some reason I'm stagnant.

But I suppose it can't hurt, really, to have a friend either take you by the hand or give you a good, swift kick in the butt in the right direction.

Ramsey said...

I'm glad you are refreshed.
I hope you get a chance to check out the contact the band email/apology i sent.

Signorelli Verdugo said...

panic at the stage...i performed last sunday (the 6th i think, or so), it was my singing academy's presentation. I sang a Blondie song solo (one way or another...how original), the only one i was allowed to sing, i wanted to sing Missed Me, but i was told it was too unknown by Chilean people... Today i was told by my dancing teacher there that in my academy we were built to be products. products who create a lot of money and work for a lot of people.

Artists are products...do you consider yourself a product? Do you wanted to sing because you wanted to generate money and work?

should i retire or try not to listen to that and only pay attention to my singing lessons?

I know it's VERY HARD FOR YOU TO ANSWER but


I NEED YOUR ADVICE

I don't know why, but i feel so lost right now. I don't want to leave music aside, but I don't want to be only a product...just a product...just money...¿or is that all there is to music? ¡¡NOT TO ME!! WHERE'S THE FEELING?? WHERE'S EVERYTHING I FEEL WHEN YOU SING TO ME?? WHERE'S WHAT I PUT IN THE SONGS I WRITE??

DOES IT COUNT TO ANYONE ELSE THAN ME???

my idea of music used to keep my going...now i just feel so lost, i feel these ideas of music i've always had since i was a child where delusions and reality was far away from mine.

please
try to answer me


and rest.

i still love you.

and you still make me feel a lot when you sing to me and when brian sticks his drumsticks in my weak heart .__.

Mr.Cerne said...

Friends . . . for once I am not posting to A. You all truly are remarkable, and I love this community we share . . .

Just the other day, I received a random post on my blof from someone who must have ran across me on here, for they are from Germany (I know you Germans love the D-Dolls . . . ) and it touched me.


Vilven Nevalin . . . you're lyrics had so much truth in them. Perhaps not the best poetry, but what we remeber and what really reaches the spirit (if you believe in the soul and other such schiznit)is not the prolix crap, but the simple words that cut to one's core. Thank you for sharing . . .

- F

Gina said...

Joshua,
Regarding art and product: well-said!

evilforestgnome said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
evilforestgnome said...

brian is an amazing drummer. but you know that already. it's fucked up that the panic fans don't see it as well.

unknown said...

This post reminds me of the song 'karma police' by radiohead, when he starts singing
'for a minute there i lost myself
i lost myself
i lost myself'
and so on.
pretty sad really :(

You'll be in edinburgh next week or so, and i have a mission to get your attention, and Brians if hes about, offer you a cigarette and teach you to play with 'devil sticks'.

or just hug you and stutter my words.

either way, let the festival lead you into a world of artistic scribbles and music.

And Yes. The world is ugly and thrown at people who don't deserve it. Karma my arse.

love.

Signorelli Verdugo said...

i had already posted a thank you for joshua on my own blog but I will post it here too

thank you so very much for your response...you are totally right and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels something when listening to music...if i continue this road i'll NOT be considered a product by myself...i guess that's what matters.

Socrates Volkova said...

Hello Dearest!

*glomps you* you wonderful girl, you and all your glorious splendor!!

Its just the way the world belongs to be, yes it is....

Egad, did that xtc just JUMP UP MY NOSE?!!? NOOOOOOOO!!! lol, no just kidding now, no need to worry.. nyah.

your music is extremely pleasing to the mind and ears, yes it is.

Do you read your comments? NO? ah well....*smiles* *is listening to Necissary Evil right now* NYAH....zeik heil....no jk. wa, nas ne dagonait?

Will you ever come to Maine? Maine is a state of nascar hicks? yes, I know it is. but still I live here regretfully and would like to see one of your shows. You would rather swallow flying lead then come to maine? how sad *cries*

uhhh.....can....you....visit my blog? Oh how that would be and honor! Such a great honor!! www.angelsofrebellion.blogspot.com


arigato, dear

Socrates Volkova said...

UGH! my friend is OBSESSED with panic @ the disco. I feel that i should like them, or people WANT me to like them in order for me to hold up the stupid "emo" label that has been slapped upon me but you guys are far better than panic at ze disco....ugh or Afi. The lyrics, the sound. Panic@Zedisco seems sort of cliche, you guys are like a....like a....umm.... Kinda like seeing the night sky for the first time on a clear night in the country, after being raised in the city all your life. *smiles* sorry -.-'

Mr.Cerne said...

Ok, folks and kiddos . . . I'm going to play devil's adovacate, here!

Let me remind you all of the wonderful blogs and internet bashing of our ever beloved band, The DD . . .

Now, I personally feel that P@TD is a decent band compared to the other bunk played on the radio, and that they do have their own style, though it's still not brillant. A tad bit between the points of mediocrity and decent music. Still, the tunes are catchy enough I get them caught in my head.

I think it's time we let go of the whole Panic bashing and move on. Save it for another spot . . . like, maybe set up a Panic @ The Disco Hate Blog. Hehe.

- F

Wolf said...

*registers for blogger so she can comment*

I thought about going to the show up at the Hampton Casino. I had seen you in Albany while I was at school (Egg is a sucky venue, but the show was amazing), and I really wanted to go again. I was, however, too slow (was nervous about going alone) and the show sold out. Perhaps it's for the best, but I didn't think there would be many overlapping fans and I wanted to show support.

I was, actually, going to leave before Panic started (no offence to them, but I don't care for their music). Anyways, I still wish I had gone. Sounds like you guys needed some support there.

Clementine said...

"dead and dying people were trampled, I walked over an old man, I walked over children, everyone was losing everyone, the bombs were like a waterfall, I ran through the streets, from cellar to cellar, and saw terrible things: legs and necks, I saw a woman whose blond hair and green dress were on fire, running with a silent baby in her arms, I saw humans melted into thick pools of liquid, three or four feet deep in places, I saw bodies crackling likes embers, laughing, and the reamins of masses of people who had tried to escape the firestorm by jumping head first into the lakes and ponds, the parts of their bodies that were submerged in the water were still intact, while the parts that protruded above the water were charred be yond recognition, the bombs kept falling, purple, orange and white, I kep running, my hands kept bleeding, through the sounds of collapsing buildings I heard the roar of the baby's silence. I passed the zoo, the cages had be ripped open, everything was everywhere, dazed animals cried in pain and confusion..."

It's a part from a book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. It's man running through Dresden during wwii as it was being bombed. I know you're going to Germany soon and if you'll be passing through Dresden at anytime, I think it'd be a great book to bring along. It's a short and incredibly strong part of the book. You can read history books and research history about the bombing but I don't hink anyone could ever understand until it's told from a personal point of view.

Enjoy your life right now. Breath, hold it, and let it out.

I think you and Brian, more so than anyone, truely deserve a break.

sven said...

wish I had the piano book. Haha Even if I did get it though, it would take me forever to learn the songs-
"I can play piano but I never learned to read..."
ps... cigarettes = sanity
I concure...
"take situation, make art"
good advice...

sven said...

by the by. I would like to offer my apologies as well for the way people act sometimes. I know it may not be my place but I feel it to be said anyway.
I was unable to attend the show but my friend Kyle called me while the band was performing "sex changes". It was mad brilliant and truely an inspiration for me to continue putting musical efforts into piano and song composition...sometimes it feels easier to just give up on it all. yet then I just listen to your albums and they are sort of an inspiration, driving me that much more to put more effort into my music.
thanks for being an inspiration.

mdhatter said...

Brian is the second best drummer I have seen play live in my 15 years of seeing 'rock shows', and, by chance, you're the second best pianist.

all my opinions, you might just be the best yet. Hang tight, we love you.

Cal Samson said...

I like chords.

I can't believe you're finally coming to Perth 3 weeks before I'll be old enough to see you! Curse it all.

Well... I'll still have chords.

alanna_b said...

love. =)

Sixty Bricks said...

I thought you were great at
Amoeba Music, esp liked the
cover of Marc Bolan.

Socrates Volkova said...

*has never seen dresden dolls concert* ....T.T...*feels sooooo left out*

Anonymous said...

Most Panic! fans suck, I saw them a few weeks ago in NYC and none of the children (I'll be 19 soon and most of the fans there were 12) appreciated the opening bands- Plain White T's and Jack's Mannequin. I was dancing to two of my favorite bands, having a great time while these kids were yelling things at these amazing bands. If I was at one of Panic!'s shows where you guys opened, I know that I would've been captivated and in love with the music. I'm sorry that you had to deal with these kids, I promise that not all of the Panic! fans are that bad.

I'm glad that you were able to connect with Ryan and help him cope, I'd love to have a conversation with him someday. And I would've love to have heard that cover of "Imagine", I'm sure that it was wonderful.

And that concert hall sounds incredible, I love places like that. You should check out the Saint George Theatre in Staten Island, NY, I think that you would love it.
-Shannon

Jema said...
This comment has been removed by the author.