Thursday, June 29, 2006

panic! at the mindfuck

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three days ago

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i'm on a plane on the way to washington DC, to start the panic at the disco tour. we'll be opening for a band i've never met, never talked to, and whose music i barely know. it should be interesting. and they're almost half my age. my god. it's sort of the flip side of the NIN tour. who knows what.

i never really got to come home after the european tour. i had enough time to start opening the mail and doing laundry and we left for a 48-hour trip to london, where we played on jools holland. television appearances are so fucking nerve-wracking. there i was, jetlagged, tired, disoreinted and caffeinated and all of a sudden...look wonderful. play wonderful. i ain't that sort of performer. i ain't the dixie chicks. they were very nice & friendly, though, and they went out of their way to say hello.

i had never seen this show (for those of you int he dark, jools holland's music show ont he BBC is the equivalent of saturday night live...only much more musically respectable). so i went to youtube. i have become a huge fan of youtube and have been gluttoning on old adam ant videos. i digress: so i went to youtube a few hours before we played and started downloading random clips from bands who had previously appeared on the show. radiohead. tori amos. whoever. just to see how they were shot and what the vibe was. and it struck me: my god, everybody is just as nerve-wracked as i am. there are little hints. you can tell. television is scary.

it's a strange land back there, backstage. i did have a wonderful walk around the BBC television headquarters, somewhere in london. it's like an army-base, you need special passes to get in and the entire building is shaped like a donut with a large ring road running around it. since they wouldn't let me out to take a walk (AAAAHHHH) i just walked in circles. there were sheds with entire dismantled situation-comedy sets. i saw an entire soda shop on it's side. fake wallpapered walls everywhere, laying on their sides and stuffed into holding tanks, waiting to become part of a room on a set next season. entire fake worlds, the backdrops of unreal situations. that was a nice walk.

we flew back exhausted and i faced my apartment and my non-ness in it for another 48-hours and then we got on a plane headed for bonnaroo, a huge hippie music festival in tennessee. upon landing we took a surreal walk through a forest in nashville with a lawyer and then i escaped my life for a while and went to see doni from ...and you will know us by the trail of dead (my favorite press on them lately refered to them as "...and you will know us by the length of our name".) he had a piano. i heard some roughs from the new record (which i sang a played pianer on, a while back, in austin) and it's fucking amazing, but i expected no less. we played along to a skipping ravi shankar record for a while. it was in 12/35. a difficult time signature.

bonnaroo itself was, as festivals go, pretty beautiful. it's situated in Really The Middle Of Nowhere, and there were tens of thousands of hippies and freeks. beautiful to see, even though i was, as usual, too spent to actually get out there in the crowd and shake my boot-ay to the guitar meanderings of beck. i watched quietly, in awe of his greatness, his royal beckness. when i saw the puppet show he had choreographed, i decided that we should be soul art lovers in some alternate universe (some alternate universe in which i don't need to deal with scientology, which creeps me out). radiohead came on and failed to hold my interest, but this was probably due to the fact that i was about .4 miles from the stage.

we killed more time throwing a tennis ball around and videotaping ourselves (you will seeeeeeeee) and didn't take stage til 2 am. which was fine, because people were up, and primed and obviously ready to be Rocked, so we Rocked. backstage at bonnaroo was a trailer next to our friends in the bindlestiff family cirkus, so i got to feel nice and at home - despite the trailerness, there were men juggling discs and girls applying bizarre make-up. this always cheers me up to see, no matter who is doing it and for what reason. then slept and went home in the morning.

then i crashed completely. this was when things got a little weird: i got home, again expecting to throw myself into the fervor of Home and Happy and Oh, and instead i plummeted into a wicked funk of PMS proportion (certainly at the wrong time of month). i found myself crying every time i lay still during yoga, i found myself crying over a four-page biographical introduction to a book of photos by robert capa. i didn't even really feel sad, i just felt sort of strange and dissociated, and angry at myself that i let my sacred time off get once again eaten by This Is Really Important You Should Do It obligations. i was finally home and i really only had six days off until my next show. on top of it, i had to practice practice practice for the film and solo nights, which i hate hate hate doing. i need to come to terms with this at some point. anyway. don't get me wrong, i fucking love playing the thing. but it ends there. practicing and playing for me are two separate issues. at some point i will write about this, and it will take up page after painful page of valuable blogspace, alienating you forever.

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two days later

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last night was a completely beautiful mindfuck.

the first night of the tour - in DC - was fine, strange to be back in it but the boys in the panic at the disco band are total sweethearts, like lambs. i tried to prepare myself for how young everything would feel but walking through the crowd i almost feel like something was illegal. there are not going to be a ton of our fans at these shows, definitely something i was expecting and something i tried to remedy by booking these simultaneous "fuck the back row" film festivals at which i'm also playing solo: to give our fans a place to go if they a) couldn't get tickets or b) didn't want to deal with the situation only to watch us play a support set for 40 minutes. that's why i booked it. it seems that it's going to be serving a far more medicinal purpose.

we showed up yesterday in new york to the typical flurry of activity that greets us here, always a little more to deal with than usual given it's the home of All Press, Our Label, Our Manager...we went to sirius radio in teh morning and i didn't see howard stern walking by our studio until it was too late to flash my tits at him. next time. the venue itself left much to be desired. though clean, it was too clean, and completely sterile, and reminded us of a cross between an aquarium and a movie theater. there were cell phone advertisements installed everywhere. it always takes me a while to realize what's missing and then i realize there is nothing going on offstage and nothing to fucking do in the lobby....and that these fans are not dresden dolls fans. the sense of community is so different, so remote and impersonal. no brigade. I am starting to realize how much I take it all for granted, our fans, the community, the feeling in the audience. I've never known it any other way. I assumed NIN was some sort of excpeption (music about isolation and anger = isolated and angry crowd, n'est pas?). I'm starting to understand. It aint no fucking accident. for years now, our own opening bands always tell us how overly kind our crowd is, how supportive, how open-minded to their music or band. and I've never paid that much attention, thinking: well, of course. why wouldn't they be? they are people, they like music, they will listen, they will be respectful. to disrespect the opening band would be disrespecting us, because we are allies, comrades. Simple. and we take great care in picking our openers so that we can maintain the trust of our audience.

back to our story. so the panic crowd last night seemed to me to be tepid, but decent. i did notice one asshole flying his middle finger when we first came out but I told him where he could stick it. meredith joined us on violin (as she often does) for "missed me" and i left stage feeling like we'd played a great set. but why were all these people backstage giving me timid and sympathetic looks? it turns out that my in-ears were providing with with a sonic wall of ignorant bliss, because there was a contingent in the audience shouting at us throughout the entire set. meredith was yelled at, called a "fat troll" and was threatened with fat kidn sof ass-fuckings, and there were multiple requests for her - and us - to get the fuck off stage. and to shut up and go home, etc etc etc. brian was livid and bashed the fuck out of the drums. w'ere not used to this. we're used to the land of Art Love. this is the sort of shit we were expceting on NIN but luckily missed out on. my god, is it karma? but i was ignorant while it was happening, i found this all out after the show, in the dressing room and in a taxi on the way to the Fuck The Back Row show at the Brooklyn Lyceum. i was troubled, upset by all of it, wondering if we'd made a terrible fucking decision to come on this tour. and then oh

so i arrived in brooklyn, all verklempt, to a land that looked like oz to me. everywhere there were people laughing, making art, performing, being humans....i flashed back to the nokia theater from 24 minutes before where i was walking by 13-year olds screaming at each other while cell phone ads on giant TV screens blazed in all of our faces. i had certainly been through hell to arrive in heaven. films were running, people were drinking, even the brick walls looked beautiful like i'd never seen. everything breathed like it was alive. while the projector ran, the upstairs loft above the space was covered in huge paintings and black emptiness with an old player piano in the corner that i tried to practice on. only every other note worked. mali showed up and we decided to sing delilah together, so we practiced on the incredibly out-of-tune piano, laughing at it. meredith came up and brought her violin. peter brought over a clip light and illuminated the inside of the piano and filmed. titler (hitler in drag, who showed some AMAZING films and played some songs on piano) brought his two dogs up. it was real. i looked around and i saw people i cared about and who cared about me, saw people i wanted to know, felt like i could live here, stay here, catch this moment forever and bottle it. i've never felt more grateful for our fans, the world that we've accidentally on purpose created. and then the films ended and i played my fucking ass off on the piano, knowing that i needed to prove nothing to anybody, that i could just sing and play, that defenses weren't necessary. the audience wasn't really an audience, it was more like a living room of 300 people. so if this tour will teach me anything, it's that i'm fucking lucky for what i have. some bands don't have it, some people may never know it. i feel like the luckiest girl alive, trapped in a lesson in the shape of a sports arena.

18 comments:

Natalie Rose said...

Dear Amanda,

There are no words to describe what I felt the first time I heard about the Brigade. It gave me new faith in the universe to realize that people like that exist outside the tiny bubble I live in up at college. Kindred spirits-- hundreds of them! (I can't wait until I get a chance to brigade... I have a ton of ideas already.)

Despite having lived on Long Island for the past 16 years, being in Brooklyn was a little disorienting and my navigator gives directions by which telephone poles she recognizes. Yet, we spotted the Brooklyn Lyceum immediately-- the fans out front were impossible to miss. And after spending nearly half an hour trying to find a bloody parking spot, we bounded over to the Lyceum, all dressed up, and immersed ourselves in Dresden Doll Land and all its goodness.

It was my first live show with Dresden Dolls fans. I took lots of bad pictures. (I borrowed my Aunt's camera... the darn thing doesn't even have a zoom. What kind of non-disposable camera doesn't have a zoom?) The atmosphere was intoxicating. I'm still trying to understand how living statues actually work. The best part, though, was talking with complete strangers. I struck up a conversation with two or three people at random who just seemed friendly and excited. (I had to do a bit of a double take. "Hey Sasha, we're still in New York, right?") Earlier that day I was thinking about how detached and cold people are to each other, especially considering we all have to live with one another. But here were a few hundred people ready to prove me wrong.

It was wonderful. The films were beautiful, the music was captivating, and Miss Astrid makes me smile... in a submissive sort of way. Taylor Mac proves that Glam Rock isn't dead, it's just been reborn in Glam Ukelele. Avant-garde. Oh, and puppets with a nautical theme for teh win. It didn't seem like four hours (at least, not until the hour and a half drive home and my navigator passed out within the first twenty minutes). I've been on YouTube half the day trying to find the films from last night. My Aunt and Mother have now been rightfully introduced to the joy of Titler.

And then you finally came out, which was surreal for me. (I finally have proof that you are indeed flesh and blood and don't just exist inside my computer! I always suspected...) You continue to boggle me as a musician. I hope we'll be seeing more of Meredith, she was absolutely lovely.

Might I also say, now, that you (and Meredith) both need to stop apologizing for talking to your audience. I think I speak for the majority (if not all) of your fans when I say, "We love to hear you talk/share/tell stories/vent/rant/ramble/whatever!" Why else would we read your diary, for example?

I am so happy that the FTBR! show was a bit of refuge for you after the Panic! crowd. (I wish Brian could've been there too, if only on the hopes that it might have lifted his spirits a little?) It was an amazing experience for all of us there, and it's unbelievable to know that you not only made that possible, but shared it with us.

My navigator, two other friends and I are attending the Panic! show in Philadelphia this Saturday. I pray that Philly fans act a little better than they drive (none offense meant, but I did a 7-week internship in Phildelphia this past winter and Philly drivers are out to get somebody). After hearing about the experience at the Nokia, Sasha jokingly said we'd beat up any rude P!@TD fans on Saturday. I somehow don't think that would improve the situation, but between the four of us, I'm certain we can cheer loud enough to drown them out. That is, of course, assuming there are any angry, faux-emo fans being rude in the first place, which I have faith (and am crossing my fingers) that there won't be. I also heard there's supposed to be Brigade at that show, which makes me downright giddy.

In short (like I do short, right, that's cute), I'm personally still in a sort of whirling haze from last night, but I'm pretty comfortable residing there for the time being.

The Usual Suspect said...

Personally, PATD doesn't strike me as a band oriented towards art, but a fad. I could be wrong, who knows. But the type of people that flock to bands like that tend to belong to an intellectual demographic I like to refer to as 'idiots'. Don't let these shaggy haired, tight jeans and Nintendo t-shirt wearing fucktards ruin so much as a moment for you. They haven't achieved a single thing for themselves since they discovered how to masturbate to Hawthorne Heights.

When he came back from Iraq, one member of my platoon was walking through the airport, home for the first time in a long while, and someone splashed paint all over him. Pretty shitty thing to do, and something like that is really going to impact the whole Coming Home experience, but he took it with dignity and walked on, changed clothes when he got the chance. People are complete idiots.

The important thing is this. I'm a fan of your music, its bizarre and beautiful, humorous, sometimes a little heart wrenching. Its a lot of things. And I can guarantee you that amidst the impatient pieces of shit shouting at you, there were a lot of people enjoying your music, some of them probably for the first time.

Keep up the good fight, sister. And thank you for sharing your work with us.

d said...

Dear Brian & Amanda,

My fiance and I attended the second Nokia show last night, excited to have another opportunity to see you perform. We've been to at least a dozen of your shows since first encountering you on the Nine Inch Nails tour, and they have all been amazing. We particularly enjoy the ones at Webster Hall, which feel more like a festival than just a show. The pre-show non-musical performances, the living statues, the art installations, and wonderful fans create a atmosphere which is surreal and enjoyable.

Considering how popular you have become, and how much publicity you have had recently (we even heard you being played in a clothing store in California), we were surprised that you were not the headliner. It meant a shorter set, but that's okay, we weren't expecting you to continue touring for so long anyway, so it was a bonus.

When we first arrived we were confused by the crowd outside the venue, which consisted of mostly very young girls in rather typical garb, a stark contrast to the creative costumes we usually find. We thought we were at the wrong venue. We weren't, but we figured that would be okay. It just meant that wouldn't be much of a line at the bar.

We got there kind of early, as we didn't know when you were going on, and didn't want to miss anything. Sitting in the back, we were reminded of the time we went to see The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, and the theater played The Pokemon Movie by mistake. It felt like being back in a high school auditorium, which is a recurring nightmare of mine. It didn't feel right, but the crowd was tame, and we accepted it and got ourselves psyched for the show by betting on what you would open with.

Then you came onstage and the obnoxiousness level around us grew at an amazing rate. We tried to cheer louder than them to let you know that their were people in the audience that we excited to see you, but that didn't work out so well. I'm sorry to say that the crowd was as hostile to your fans as they were to you. I admired how you both handled it, particularly Brian encouraging them to get it out of their system.

It was a treat for my fiance to find you mingling in the lobby after your set, and to have her picture taken with you. We haven't had that opportunity since the NIN show at SOMA, and we feared your popularity would have made that impossible now. So the night did have a happy ending.

We were planning on trying to go to tonight's show in New Jersey, but I don't think I would want to go through that again. We will have to wait until the Fuck The Back Row show in San Francisco to see you again.

I admire you both for sticking with the tour. I'm sure there are a lot more fans out there that bought tickets just to see you, and would be very disappointed if they didn't get that chance.

I hope the tour gets better for you and we'll see you in San Francisco.

Regards,
David

MarkFarley said...

Great to hear about the roundhouse shows in London, Amanda. You guys should totally film that, its a great historic and beautiful venue that the DDolls with just rock!!!

I smell a new DVD with lots of excellent new songs and London Branch of the Brigade looking fabulous and cool and the DDolls playing a three hour set!!!

Then an hour of encores!!!

I have my ticket...

jimmycity said...

" i feel like the luckiest girl alive, trapped in a lesson in the shape of a sports arena."

Oh my god, you ROCK!

Jessica said...

I'll be in the audience for the Cleveland show, arriving approximately eight hours early to ensure that i have a front row spot. I'm a recent devotee, but am in love with your music and all that you have created. Your albums have been on repeat for the past few months - and i can't believe that it's taken me this long to find you. I have not the words to describe what your music means to me.

Last night while watching Paradise, a friend and i were lamenting that we won't be seeing you along with your community, and praying to the powers-that-be for a crowd that is ready to listen. I have no idea what to expect from my fellow concert attendees, but by virtue of the fact that you'll be on stage and i get to see you perform, it will be the event of my year.

Thank you.

paul macfarlane said...

O My Dear, Dear Amanda:

All is so well.

When you and Brian come to St. Louis for the fifth time (and I get to see and hear you for the fifth time) if necessary, my love and respect will create a cocoon of musical openness and prtection. So play what ye will for your 40 minuyets then let's race to see who gets to the Hi-Pomite first.

I'm there for whatever you need.

luaP

juxtagon said...

well, at least the fans were not throwing empty ( or full ) Beer Glasses at you, that there was no Chicken-wire Cage to play in.

see I could've been worse! You could have had to play Rawhide. ( It should be compulsory to watch The Blues Brothers for any band).

As for the Panic! fan giving you the finger?
Well, the best and most fun way would be to carry round some secateurs. Next time someone offers you the finger you can snip,snip it off, with a large grin on your face as you thank them " very much for your kind gift! I'll treasure it always!"

... then skip off backstage.

or is that a bit "Lenore"?

Sophie Yanow said...

Jesus christo..

If this is what your tour is like all along, then I'm a might bit sad for you, but glad as all hell that I saw you guys with the Femmes last night... and the dancing was adorable; the playing wonderful. My friend Zeiki (or does he call himself Jeiki now?) went and met you guys after you played... he's a small boy with a streak of blue in his hair and he says you gave him a kiss - so that's swell.

And thanks for the flowers.

jt said...

I'm new to your music, but have loved it - fun, attitude, but most importantly intelligent. some friends and i are coming to see you in indianapolis. he was into panic! but i turned him onto you guys and i think we're more excited about seeing you than them (i don't even know if we'll stay for the whole show). we have a silly band that we do as a hobby - www.myspace.com/blackcabaret . i can't wait to see you guys, get inspired, send/receive love and support, and rock out. truly you should come to Indy on your own soon! we'd love to have you here.

Justin

Unknown said...

I guess I can understand the impatience some fans might feel at having to listen to opening bands, but that still means every person who jeered or boo'd is an assfuck. If I were there I'd definitely tell them all where to go and the fastest way to get there.

Maybe I will! If I ever get to one of your concerts. : P

MarkFarley said...

Am so addicted to YouTube as well. I have no need for video tapes or shitty MTV anymore, if i wanna call up an Adam Ant video (often) or Billy Joel's We did'nt start the fire of a bit of Bucks Fizz (yeah baby) I can, I dont have to wait hours... plus I get to follow people like The Dresden Dolls through America when I am in London and when they come to London and I see them but can't get near to them at The Astoria cos they are so fucking loved, I can see the footage some guy took from the front row and watch every drip of sweat drop onto Amanda's piano or see Brian's abs in all their glory glsiten in the lights as he pounds away and yeah, I can call up the Jools Holland performances when I like to watch... thanks for playing album tracks rather than singles... and revel in how much the other people on youtube loved my new favourite band as well.

FYI information its the only place on UK TV to see decent live music and has been for years and you geys did yrselves proud, you were awesome....

Totally looking forward to seeing you guys at Reading and then at Camden, hope to see you at a signing or around the site watching bands....

PS was very amusing seeing Kaiser Cheifs singer in background totally bugged out at seeing Amanda playing.... the tyke. xx

MarkFarley said...

Am so addicted to YouTube as well. I have no need for video tapes or shitty MTV anymore, if i wanna call up an Adam Ant video (often) or Billy Joel's We did'nt start the fire of a bit of Bucks Fizz (yeah baby) I can, I dont have to wait hours... plus I get to follow people like The Dresden Dolls through America when I am in London and when they come to London and I see them but can't get near to them at The Astoria cos they are so fucking loved, I can see the footage some guy took from the front row and watch every drip of sweat drop onto Amanda's piano or see Brian's abs in all their glory glsiten in the lights as he pounds away and yeah, I can call up the Jools Holland performances when I like to watch... thanks for playing album tracks rather than singles... and revel in how much the other people on youtube loved my new favourite band as well.

FYI information its the only place on UK TV to see decent live music and has been for years and you geys did yrselves proud, you were awesome....

Totally looking forward to seeing you guys at Reading and then at Camden, hope to see you at a signing or around the site watching bands....

PS was very amusing seeing Kaiser Cheifs singer in background totally bugged out at seeing Amanda playing.... the tyke. xx

Katie said...

The Panic! kids are just there as a statement, which is sad. I bought the ticket for the Fillmore show because you are playing, and I've ended up being turned on a bit to the Hush Sound and, possibly, Panic!. So really, there will be a few open-minded audience members when you come to Denver.

Ravel said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kuini said...

Oh god. Amanda, you guys need to come to Toronto and do your own show. I'm tired of having to go to concerts of shitty bands just to see The Dresden Dolls. My boyfriend and I went to the Molson Ampitheater today JUST to see The Dresden Dolls play. haha, heck, we were one of the oldest ones in the audience; we were the oldest ones in the entire row (everyone else was like, what? 12-18 years old?)! I was glad Hush Puppy or Hush Sound or whatever, got stuck at the border. I'd rather hear more Dresden Dolls than Hush whatever, and Panic at the fuckhole. Anyways, great show! :) Right when you guys finished and left the stage, we left as well. We went solely to see you guys play :)

lilly said...

huh, i guess the panic! preppys dont know real music. whatever. they should shut up and get back to their nail polishing

Anonymous said...

I wish I was at that NYC show, I would've been telling those kids off. I get the same way when I perform though, I tune out all of the assholes and just focus on dancing, even when myself and my classmates are getting beer cans thrown at us (the local St. Patrick's Day parade), after awhile that's all you can do is ignore them and hope that you've won a few people over, in my case to Irish dance, and in yours to the wonderful music.
-Shannon